Smik 2015/08/28(Fri)16:06 No. 665426 ID: 3009b4
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Spike and Kitty are standing around in some place. They don't know where they are but it's been so long since they've done anything they're frankly just happy to be pulled from the archives.

So let's take care of a few things:

Should Spike change what time he comes from? Currently his look was inspired by Double Dragon.

Should Kitty have some other occupation other than lawyer?

Where is their base of operations located?

What crime should they fight first?

>Should Spike change what time he comes from? Currently his look was inspired by Double Dragon.
Keep everything the same, but give him a mullet. Wait, no, TWO mullets. Somehow.

>Should Kitty have some other occupation other than lawyer?
Basketball player. B-Ball ninja lawyer.

>Where is their base of operations located?
Under the Vineland Avenue off-ramp of the Hollywood Freeway (U.S. Route 101) in Los Angeles, California. The feral chickens living there serve to guard it from intruders.

>What crime should they fight first?
Jaywalking.

Squad LOSERS-4771, a new assignment has been deployed to your Organization's cache!

Mission 01
Subject: Underground Mining Ring
Threat Level: ****
Rewards: Asset - Gold Mine (10% share)
Notes: Some heisters found a gold deposit underneath a suburban area! We need you to attack their forces with destructive force so that we can terrorize the locals into leaving, allowing us to "redevelop" the area for extensive mining!

Smik 2015/08/28(Fri)16:34 No. 665434 ID: 3009b4
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>Keep everything the same, but give him a mullet. Wait, no, TWO mullets. Somehow.

Spike is initially unsure of how to do this but then puts them on his shoulders. He gives you gun-fingers of approval.

make spike a detroit-techno thumping 80's booty hunting boogie pirate

kitty can stay the same for all I care

and for the crime fighting, what >>665430 said, Jay Walker has been a menace for far too long and needs to be stopped!

>Where is their base of operations located?
shot-up interior of the old tech-noir building.
>What crime should they fight first?
good old fashioned guy in a ski mask robbing a grandma.

Spike needs shades. All 80's people needs shades.

Kitty should be a Doctor.

Base is at the dump where they can make themselves a jet out the scrap there.

And agreed, jaywalking.

>>665434
Right back atcha, Spike. I like your style. And your shoulder mullets.

Smik 2015/08/28(Fri)16:52 No. 665442 ID: 3009b4
File 144080594939.jpg - (173.58KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 2.jpg )

>Under the Vineland Avenue off-ramp of the Hollywood Freeway (U.S. Route 101) in Los Angeles, California. The feral chickens living there serve to guard it from intruders.

Unfortunately, all of California is on fire. The feral chickens are pre-roasted.

>Some heisters found a gold deposit underneath a suburban area! We need you to attack their forces with destructive force so that we can terrorize the locals into leaving, allowing us to "redevelop" the area for extensive mining!

Spike and Kitty are forced to invade the jay-walking hipster's gold mine due to all the fires in California and kill them all for their water supply. Fortunately jay-walking hipsters are totally legal to kill and store in an underground gold mine. They also store their large supply of fried feral chicken in an unused corner of the mine.

Spike and Kitty's new base of operations is a former gold mine deep under the constant burning fires of California. Also there's a basket-ball court there because Kitty now plays basket-ball. This is all well illustrated in the blue prints that are not blue.

Smik 2015/08/28(Fri)17:07 No. 665446 ID: 3009b4
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>Kitty should be a Doctor.

Kitty has too much respect for Dr. McNinja to rip off his style like that.

>Spike needs shades. All 80's people needs shades.

Spike replaces his headband for shades because he is a dork.

>Base is at the dump where they can make themselves a jet out the scrap there.

Spike has constructed what he thinks is a good airplane out of a dryer and scrap metal.

Then they will go out and kill Jay Leno and the stupid people he interviews. Or at least beat them up and intimidate them.

it there anything we should know about kitty and spike that happens behind closed doors?

>>665434
Honestly, that's probably the best thing you could have done with mullets. Finger guns back at ya.

>what do
You need to get out there and make a reoccurring enemy. You can't be real heros if you fight different chumps all the time. The surest mark of success is people coming back for more.

Smik 2015/08/28(Fri)22:20 No. 665505 ID: 3009b4
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Conan O'Brien the Barbarian sudden calls through to Spike and Kitty on a really old phone (because he's bad at video games and technology).

Conan: Is this Spike and Kitty? Are you two stupid cats who fight crime together?

Kitty: Is this Conan O'Brien the Barbarian, late night talk show host and incompetent video game warrior?

Conan: Um, yes.

Kitty: Same!

Conan: Wait, you're also Conan O'Brien the...

Kitty: Yes! I'm just very butch. So's my friend Spike, he's just very feminine and wears mullets on his shoulders now.

Conan: You're not being serious.

Kitty: I'm a ninja-lawyer-basket-ball-player and a cat. What did you expect? Anyhow, what do you want?

Conan: Jay Leno is trying to take back the "Tonight Show" and he's bringing an army of zombies called Jay Walkers to do it!

Kitty: That's terrible! The name pun, I mean. All of them. All of these puns are terrible. Your name is terrible.

Conan: ...

Kitty: Yes we'll kill him. OK bye-bye!

Conan: Wait, for free?

Kitty: Sure, he's rich. We'll just rifle through his pockets afterwards. The only thing that keeps us from murdering rich people is that we have to maintain some sort of illusion of moral high ground so we have public support. Bye now!

Smik 2015/08/28(Fri)22:53 No. 665508 ID: 3009b4
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Spike: Get in.

Kitty: Spike, get serious. I mean, get less stupid. We both know that thing only runs in your deranged imagination. How will we get out to wherever Jay Leno and his Jay Walkers are planning their assault?

Spike: I'll fill up the dryer with nuclear farts and then we'll light it and blast our way over!

Kitty: I think I'm open to OTHER suggestions.

>>665508
Sound plan, except you need to use a fridge instead. They're more sturdy, yanno,

Diet Coke and Mentos

And some dead psychic orphans

I'm sure Kitty could easily sink a three pointer from that distance, so just tie a rope from her to the plane and let her have at it.

>>665508
Now now Kitty, don't underestimate The power of Spike's deranged imagination! That plane's gonna FLY, just you wait and see!

Smik 2015/09/01(Tue)13:46 No. 666328 ID: 3009b4
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>Diet Coke and Mentos

That sounds like a solid plan to Kitty, even if she's out of dead psychic orphans.

Kitty: Now remember kids -- if you try a stunt like this, if your guts don't rupture you'll probably either get some sort of cancer from aspartame or diabetes from the sugar. So be sure to get your parents' permission to upload the video to LiveLeak.

Smik 2015/09/11(Fri)16:59 No. 669085 ID: 3009b4
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After shoving a generous and improbable portion of Mentos into Spike, Kitty surfs the resulting foam-propelled cat to New York to defend the Tonight Show against the Jay Walker army.

Kitty briefly considers landing neatly on her feet but decides that plowing face-first into the street would be more comedic.

The two will shortly be up and about shortly. What defences has New York prepared and how are they faring? There's got to be some reason why Spike and Kitty have not caused more collateral damage via impromptu cat missile strike down the street.

>>669085
the statue of liberty is all up and moving around like in ghostbusters.

A perimeter of apple shaped turrets.

The Illuminati Council finally got those Rocket Buildings installed - entire skyscrapers will now charge at the nearest flying target and impact to prevent a domino effect or outright deflect the target. It cost a b!+(4 in airline lawsuits but the system stopped a few nukes so it's all good.

Well actually they've been installed for years but the AI was still clunky and it got harder to ratify permission for mobilization as more idiots purchased apartments.

Check the nearby building that softened your impact from "City Destroyer" to "Orphanage Explosion".

Smik 2015/09/11(Fri)18:08 No. 669098 ID: 3009b4
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Kitty: Spike! The "Statue of Liberty" has come to life to fight the Jay Walkers!

Spike: Like in Ghostbusters II? That's good!

Kitty: She's also causing a lot of collateral damage.

Spike: Like in Ghostbusters II? That's still good!

Kitty: No, a LOT more collateral damage. Like, way more than Ghostbusters II.

Spike: That's bad.

Kitty: But she has killed a lot of Jay Walkers!

Spike: That's good!

Kitty: She's also carved a swath of destruction in her wake that will have to be rebuilt from scratch.

Spike: That's bad.

Kitty: But it hasn't impacted anyone we know!

Spike: That's good!

Kitty: Also Peter was right -- the Statue of Liberty is totally not wearing anything under that robe.

Spike: ...

Kitty: I'm just saying. Video has already been uploaded to various sites.

Spike: Oh. Can we kill stuff now?

Kitty: Yeah, I think the population of New York would prefer the much smaller amount of collateral damage we'd cause compared to Liberazilla.

Spike: Y'know, if Jay Leno is trying to take back the "Tonight Show", do you think he'd so as far as having the recording studio destroyed as collateral damage by a rampaging Statue of Liberty?

Kitty: Either that or he's just using this as a distraction while he attempts to assassinate Jimmy Fallon.


What is Jay Leno planning?
A. Destroy the Tonight Show Studio
B. Assassinate Jimmy Fallon
C. Both
D. Neither

D) It was all a ruse. He's going to steal the Statue of Liberty and sell it to terrorists.

D) WORSE. He's going to use the Statue of Liberty to SQUAT on every soup kitchen in NY until he gets the one with BURP SURP, a soup SO UTTERLY WRONG in its creation that the consumer will

well let's just say Kirby can eat his heart out

and guess where that soup's going.

D) He's going to become the president using the statue of liberty and mandate that every TV channel play his new show, the tonight today and tomorrow show, 24/7 he'll use time dilation to make this possible, duh.

Smik 2015/09/25(Fri)16:09 No. 672676 ID: 3009b4
File 144322259162.jpg - (233.68KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 9.jpg )

>He's going to become the president using the statue of liberty and mandate that every TV channel play his new show, the tonight today and tomorrow show, 24/7 he'll use time dilation to make this possible, duh.

JAY LENOTOR: Nyah ha ha haaaa! YES! I will become PRESIDENT by using the popularity power of both LADY LIBERTY and GHOSTBUSTERS II! Soon it will be JAY LENOTOR'S SHOW 24/7, ALL TONIGHT, ALL TOMORROW, ALL ETERNITY!


Spike and Kitty of course don't hear because they're a huge distance away. Jay Lenotor is initially insulted that they don't react, and tries yelling it louder and louder before texting them his evil schemes.

Because he is an attention whore.

Spike looks at Kitty.

Spike: Wait. Are we going to have to find magic swords? I don't want to strip down to my underwear. I'm not even wearing underwear. I'm not even sure if I have genitalia. Bugs Bunny doesn't. Max doesn't, although I'm not sure about Sam.

Kitty: I've got boobs -- don't think about it, Spike. I don't know, do we really need to parody some heroes from a cartoon to take him down? I'm a ninja and we're already cartoons.

Spike: But I want to dress up in a parody.

Should they just go stop Jay directly or should they change into costumes?

Costumes, duh. But they should fuck it up and end up as power rangers instead.

Do the costumes, but don't do he-man. We need to mix as many parodies as possible. He's already doing ghost busters and He-man, so we should counter with Princess Bride and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The crowd will be so confused they won't know whether anything they've ever loved was actually good to begin with.

Get the power armor from the local nuclear fallout shelter that has built-in murder rockets (that prioritize uncorrupt royal princes / princesses and orphans) and always seems to increase female bust size for some unexplained reason

Actually the explanation is that all those toxic chemicals the suits inject into their users every second include lactation inducers and estrogen / testosterone hybrids as ingredients

Also they inject asbestos directly into the lungs

So yeah.

Smik 2015/10/26(Mon)19:59 No. 679559 ID: 3009b4
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>Do the costumes, but don't do he-man. We need to mix as many parodies as possible.

ZITZ: Speaking of suggestions, might I make one?

Spike and Kitty: THE BATTLETOADS!

RASH (with an imaginary phone): Hello? Yes this is Gamestop and yes we actually DO have Battletoads! Aaaaand he hung up. Punk.

So obviously Spike and Kitty must clearly use the power of BATTLETOADS! Obviously this means clearing a series of lethal boobytrapped rooms and murdering various colourful minions.

But will these minions come from Masters of the Universe, Power Rangers, or some other cheesie show or series from the 80's or 90's?

>>679559
REN AND STIMPY VILLAINS!!!

Super Mario Brothers Super Show mooks.

>>679559
The Real Ghostbusters villains. All this crazy stomping around in New York has breached the containment unit, so now there are colorful slime spewing ghosts everywhere!

Smik 2015/11/20(Fri)21:51 No. 685075 ID: 3009b4
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>>679563
>>679566
>>679584

CLEARLY then the first stage is the Feet of Lady Liberty and the boss shall be...
IGGY (Iggy Koopa)
VON
KILLERWATT (Real Ghostbusters)
FARTBUCKETS (Not really Ren & Stimpy but whatever)

Spike and Kitty know that they'll have to run along on foot, avoiding being crushed by the statue and murder electrical themed villains! This is more a threat to Spike as Kitty herself has lighting ninja abilities.

Smik 2015/11/20(Fri)22:21 No. 685078 ID: 3009b4
File 144808689903.jpg - (263.57KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 12.jpg )

Spike and Kitty can take ONE of the BATTLETOADS with them to help -- the others will assist as support doing other things like killing zombies or shooting at other stuff or maybe just looking for Dark Queen porn online.

Should they take:
ZITZ - The Tactical Toad (Mechanical Smash Hits; the most damaging but have a longer recovery and start-up)
RASH - The Lighting Bruiser (Balanced Smash Hits)
PIMPLE - The Mighty Glacier (Powerful Smash Hits that break armour)
or the MYSTERIOUS NEW TOAD who says he isn't a toad but clearly IS a BATTLETOAD and is probably just shy? (Mysterious Smash Hits that might not actually be Smash Hits)

>>685078
Bring the "Not-Battletoad"

>>685078
Frog.

>>685078
Donatello, from ULTRA's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES.
His smash is weaker than other smashes, but EVERY attack is a smash that hits a huge area.

>>685078
Casey Jones, the Not-Battletoad from Mirage Studio's TMNT animated series.
seen in action here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTiAM_Xnq3A
here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCaPUh3yPQY
and here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4Zlgp7L8Fo

normal speed weak smashes but with quality™ wisecracks with every hit

Smik 2016/01/04(Mon)20:30 No. 691741 ID: 3009b4
File 145196821333.jpg - (79.15KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 13.jpg )

>Donatello, from ULTRA's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES.

No.

>Casey Jones, the Not-Battletoad from Mirage Studio's TMNT animated series.

No. This isn't the choice, the choice is just if you take the not-Battletoad.

No, it's Flycatcher, still pumped up from Beach Day. He's tried to explain he's not a Battletoad but nobody really believes him.

Spike and Kitty think he looks like a Battletoad too.

oh DOODY.

Grab the rocket boots and octuple-jump your way to Jay Leno.

Start fighting with a gun that shoots punching gloves.

Smik 2016/02/12(Fri)20:38 No. 701406 ID: 3009b4
File 145533831045.jpg - (193.01KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 14.jpg )

>Grab the rocket boots and octuple-jump your way to Jay Leno.

What rocket boots? Battletoads never used rocket boots.

>Start fighting with a gun that shoots punching gloves.

Spike thinks your suggestion is terrible.

And it doesn't matter! For as Spike, Kitty and Flycatcher all follow the footsteps of Lady Liberty, suddenly MEGA GOOMBAS block their path!

Kitty thinks they look like dicks and that's hilarious!

Spike thinks they look like dicks and that's terrible!

Flycatcher is trying to think of a way out of this quest!

Hey, what do you think happens next?

Flycatcher succeeds in finding away of getting out of this quest and we go with him. Things get more meta.

Fly catcher concludes the only escape is death. He throws himself head first at a MEGA GOOMBA hoping to be eaten. He forgot that flinging himself head first at an enemy causes him to sprout rams horns.

>>701406
Kitty beats up the dick-monsters in a way that's inappropriate and makes older audiences wonder how the hell that visual gag made it past the children's show censors.

Obvious solution: have Flycatcher jump on their heads. They're still Goombas.

More fun solution: >>701412

>>701863

I second this. Add a wink to the camera, because everyone loves it when you're cheeky.

Smik 2016/04/13(Wed)18:11 No. 716337 ID: 3009b4
File 146059627761.jpg - (101.45KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 15.jpg )

>>701863
Done. Minus the beating up part.

Smik 2016/04/13(Wed)18:11 No. 716338 ID: 3009b4
File 146059630813.jpg - (122.22KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 16.jpg )

Kitty is pretty sure this is inappropriate for children.

>>702055

Done.

So that takes care of one GOOMBA. What happened to the other one?

Did Spike just throw the other goomba into a burning otaku store?

I don't think they're edible anymore...

Smik 2016/06/02(Thu)22:46 No. 727543 ID: 3009b4
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>>701412

Meanwhile, FLYCATCHER in an effort to get the hell out of this quest spots a strange pulsing set of lights. He is mesmerized and as reaches out to touch it...

Smik 2016/06/02(Thu)22:53 No. 727544 ID: 3009b4
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MEGA WARP!

ADVANCE TWO LEVELS!

>>727544
What all comes with the level up?

>>727544
I think that means they get to skip two entire missions / mission stages.

... So where did you land again?

Smik 2016/06/02(Thu)23:44 No. 727551 ID: 3009b4
File 146493629347.jpg - (124.52KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 19.jpg )

Spike: Wait, so did we win? Did we defeat the Jay Leno/Skeletor hybrid?

Kitty: Do we care? It's just the Tonight Show.

Spike: What about the Statue of Liberty and New York?

Kitty: It's just New York. Tokyo gets destroyed all the time and it doesn't bother them.

Spike: But I care if it counts as us "running away" from Jay Leno.

Flycatcher: Does anyone care that we're in this void?

Kitty: Oooo! And I'm dressed in a fancy lab coat!

*** LEVEL THREE: STRANNER'S LAB (after the defeat of Jay Leno of LEvel One and Dr. Forrester of Level Two) ***

Spike: ... I would have liked to have seen that, too. But why's this all blank?

Kitty: Probably because we have never been in a lab or even seen Stranner before?

Spike: Ah, so this is one of those "get suggestions and then draw the lab and Stranner".

Kitty: I think Stranner should be a duck.

Spike: Why?

Kitty: 'Cause ducks are usually angry. Donald Duck is angry. Daffy Duck is angry. Howard the Duck is angry. Ducks are mad angry.

Spike: What if he doesn't wanna be a funny animal?

Kitty: Then he can be an Angry Bird.

****

I have never been in a real lab before! Rather than do something sensible like look up real labs in Google or talk to Stranner about it, you get to pick the LAB and what STRANNER looks like!

Then Spike and Kitty are going to run amuck in it.

The LAB is a doggy day care for LABradors in science coats, and Strainer is a mop with glasses stuck on it.

Go with a Fairy Brothel for a laboratory and Robin Williams as the head of Chimera Stranner's Tail Snake.

And the goat head is Janet from "Phillip Dollarfield doesn't care about saving the princess" quest. If there's a dragon head, it's now Deadpool's stern headvoice.

STRANNER is a reptile with porous skin, sort of a Latin lover by way of Caesar Romero

I think the fairiy and dog labs both have their charms.

Stranner is a golden LAB. His lab is filled to the brim with lazy students who copy the same wrong answers off of everyone.

The_Stranner 2016/06/06(Mon)17:40 No. 728191 ID: fd73fa
File 146526004592.jpg - (1.90MB , 4096x2304 , lab_room_03.jpg )

Lab References Room 1: The main room where the most science happens.

The_Stranner 2016/06/06(Mon)17:40 No. 728192 ID: fd73fa
File 146526005873.jpg - (1.70MB , 4096x2304 , lab_room_04.jpg )

Lab Reference Room 2: Space where machines will be resurrected.

The_Stranner 2016/06/06(Mon)17:42 No. 728194 ID: fd73fa
File 146526015657.jpg - (1.68MB , 4096x2304 , lab_room_01.jpg )

Lab Reference Room 3: Tiny and overcrowded room where one should not sit on the floor.

Author Note: I'm totally OK with these references being in-quest.

Smik 2016/09/24(Sat)01:25 No. 749531 ID: dfc4c7
File 147470555129.jpg - (348.94KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 20.jpg )

>>727558

Faerie Lab Assistant: Hello, and welcome to the Faerie Bordello & Sexual Laboratories!

Kitty: Whoah shit Spike, I think we're going with a Kome suggestion!

Spike: When did you start swearing?

Kitty: I suggestively licked a penis-shaped mushroom, I'm totes done being kid friendly.

Kitty thinks for a moment.

Kitty: Wait, this workplace is not safe for work! This is a WNSFW environment! Can you handle it?

Spike: I don't know. Can you remember if I'm fixed?

Kitty: I think you're beyond fixing, Spike.

Spike: Oh, OK.

Kitty: Just check to see if you still have your balls.

Spike: I keep all my balls in my pockets.

Kitty: Your testicles, then. See if you still have your testicles.

Spike: I left all my testicles and quizzicles back in schoolicles.

Kitty: Hey Spike! You're either an idiot or an asshole, pick one!

Spike: I choose idiot 'cause I don't like swearing.

Kitty: Well at least it differentiates our characters somewhat. I can barely remember my character except I was a ninja/lawyer who became a hero because evil ninjas and lawyers tend to die real real fast. Also ninjas who wear bright red die fast too unless they're a hero.

Spike: You wore red?

Kitty: You forgot?

Spike: We haven't been drawn in colour this whole quest, what I remember is irrelevant. I can't even remember if I'm fixed.

Kitty: OK, I wore red. And I'm blonde. I was totally a cat lawyer ninja version of the chick robot in Ninja Warriors.


Faerie Lab Assistant: Look, I appreciate you padding things out so I can avoid work until my lunch break but you two are starting to bug me. What do you want?

Spike: We're just supposed to 'run amuck' and some guy named "Stranner" is supposed to be here.

Faerie Lab Assistant: Oh, OK well I can take you to him shortly.

Kitty: We're gonna fucking kill his boss too. Has he always run a faerie brothel sex lab?

Faerie Lab Assistant: No, not until Kome made the suggestion just now and he won't stop screaming about it.


Please suggest a stupidity:

1. Spike and Kitty go meet Stranner.
2. Spike and Kitty go meet Stranner's Boss.
3. Spike and Kitty mindlessly mess with the lab equipment until something happens.
4. Flycatcher does something.
5. The Faerie Lab Assistant does something.
6. Suggest your own stupidity.

>>749531
Spike and Kitty, build a better transistor!

... What? Oh, was I supposed to give you guys something insane to do? TOO BAD. I'm giving those suggestions to the others. You have the opportunity to stock up on research, so get to it.

Flycatcher, peel off all the motivational posters that are creeping you the @#$% out. Look for a secret doorway back to your quest so you can get to Chapter 4 already.

Faerie Lab Assistant, if you don't give us your name I'm going to call you Succuba Incarna. Now, where are your clone sisters and how do we put them in a science blender?

Spike and Kitty mindlessly mess with the lab equipment until something happens until they accidently create mutant space gerbils with rabies.

Two.

6. This is a Faerie Bordello & Sexual Laboratory. That's a pretty unique combination. Shouldn't you explore some of what this place... offers before you go messing it up, or blowing it up, or killing the man in charge?

You know, enjoy the level a bit! Don't just to clear it and set off the self destruct!

Bottle Succuba Incarna and use her as a light source.

Then do a 5 hit combo to the circuit breaker.

>>749531
Check if spike still has his balls, then somehow spawn phallic weaponry to fight the monsters. Or just to fuck around. Feel free to pick your interpretation of 'fuck around'.

Smik 2016/09/27(Tue)20:42 No. 750158 ID: dfc4c7
File 147503416551.jpg - (72.89KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 21.jpg )

>>749535
>Spike and Kitty, build a better transistor!

SPIKE has built the SONIC TRANSISTOR!

You mean... [A vibrator]?

It's a transistor that also doubles as some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device, made from various parts found in the lab, a dildo and a fleshlight.

A device capable of breaking down solid matter [A vibrator for virgins] and then projecting it through space [A cosmic vibrator] and, who knows, perhaps even time itself. [A vibrator for Dr. Who]

Spike however is both a terrible scientist and engineer. Not only does he not know how he built it, how it works, or why it works, but he'll never be able to duplicate his efforts and it works on principles that the rest of the world hasn't caught up to yet, so while the device is actually fully functional it's not only completely impractical but also likely fatal to anyone actually trying to use the dildo/fleshlight portions of the device.

Spike will keep it in hammerspace for now.

Ew.

... Wait a minute. Where's Kitty?

You should ask the fairy lab assistant how the bordello part of this works. Is it sciency?

>but also likely fatal to anyone actually trying to use the dildo/fleshlight portions of the device
Use it on Stranner's boss.

Smik 2016/10/02(Sun)01:54 No. 750721 ID: dfc4c7
File 147539848238.jpg - (220.84KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 22.jpg )

>You should ask the fairy lab assistant how the bordello part of this works. Is it sciency?

Kitty: Hey Succuba Incarna.

Faerie Lab Assistant: That's not my name.

Kitty: It is now.

Faerie Lab Assistant: No it's not it's Mary.

Kitty: Pffft.

Faerie Lab Assistant Who Claims to be Mary: It says right here on my ID Tag.

Kitty: That clearly wasn't shown before.

Mary: Tough titty, Kitty.

Kitty: I'll let that go on improve rhyming alone.

Mary: You were asking?

Kitty: Yeah. *Ahem* "how does the bordello part of this place work? Is it sciency?"

Mary: Well, there's two parts to the bordello. One is simple pay-to-lay with the standard options, and that's how we supplement our funding and research. However, we have no shortage of volunteers for those who are willing to partake in various sexual scientific research and development. We have a short video introduction if you're like to see it.

Kitty: Sure.

Mary pulls a remote out from the inside of her "lab coat" and a monitor drops down from the ceiling.

Mary: The series features a short introduction to Link and Zelda's "Studies in Elasticity (differences between faerie, elfin and human capacity, rates and durations stretching, Elena's Lecture on "Sexual Spectrums" (which covers fetishes, overlaps and possible causes and effects), and a short study on ass curvatures.

Kitty: Hey, the cross between porn music and bland scientific music is a nice OH WHAT THE FUCK?! Look lady, I can lick my own ass but that shit is going too far!

Mary: Hmmm, maybe I should skip ahead to Elena's lecture on sexual spectrums instead. Unless there is something specific you'd like to see the research data for?

We need intel on BOSS FIGHTS

Build a Chekov Weapon to beat each boss easily

Or get the blueprints and build along the way

Also, did Spike stick the transistor in someone yet? You should rein him in

>>750721
Just volunteer to be subjected to research already. Spike's distracted building something out of a pile of junk in the corner, go have some fun.

The brothel is clearly for fairy-human relations.
And we are some kinda cat-person ninja thing.

Would sensei approve of us shaming our chowder in so base a fashion? Anyway, pet the fairy.

>>750801
Meant "clowder".

Smik 2016/10/17(Mon)14:00 No. 753423 ID: dfc4c7
File 147673803902.jpg - (220.66KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 23.jpg )

Mary: This is a field study in which we determined if Bayonetta can take a full arm up her ass and began the field of elasticity-to-proportions mass ratios.

>>753423
I changed my mind

SHOOT THE BITCH IN THE FACE (nonlethal ammo only)

Since you likely don't have a gun stab her in the arm with random needle full of unknown chemicals.

>>753423
Well the fairy seems into large insertions, but kitty sure don't.

Remember what kind of show this is supposed to be and activate the network censors to protect yourself!

Welp, she's a horrible person and should probably join our party.

It's now time to mess with the lab equipment.

Smik 2016/12/08(Thu)23:52 No. 764699 ID: e136ae
File 148126997845.jpg - (248.73KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 23a.jpg )

Spike: HAY KITTY! I found a student for my class!

Kitty: Sweetie, what have I told you about screwing with what little fragile continuity we have?

Spike: NOTHING this is my first time doing this!

Kitty: Take the cute little girl back to wherever you found her, asshole.

Spike: OK!

Smik 2016/12/08(Thu)23:54 No. 764700 ID: e136ae
File 148127009826.jpg - (220.31KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 23b.jpg )

Mary: I have a terrifying feeling that I am two places at once.

Kitty: Just roll with it, kid -- I don't think this quest's going to make any more sense anytime soon.

Smik 2016/12/09(Fri)22:25 No. 764907 ID: e136ae
File 148135111551.jpg - (230.53KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 23c.jpg )

Spike: I ACQUIRED A SNOOGIE-BOO KITTY!

Smik 2016/12/09(Fri)22:25 No. 764908 ID: e136ae
File 148135113378.jpg - (220.86KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 23d.jpg )

Kitty: God dammit, Spike.

So, move on to the next room?

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)00:13 No. 764918 ID: e136ae
File 148135763828.jpg - (184.62KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 24.jpg )

In a blaze of impressive pyrotechnics...

Stranner: No, that's just something that's gone terribly wrong in the lab again that I'll have to stay late to fix.

In a blaze of haphazard lab equipment and excessive overtime without any extra pay enters THE UNDERSTRANNER!

Stranner: What the hell has happened to the lab?

1. Spike: It was like that when we got here!
2. Kitty: It's a faerie science brothel.
3. Flycatcher: Don't look at me, I don't even work here.
4. Snoogie-Boo says something.
5. Have the narrator explain it.

The other guys tried to fix the corona discharge machine without actually having any clue how, and one of them nearly got fried messing with a high-voltage cable. After a lot of panic, the lab's been reduced to this and they've either started hiding or verbally panicking in Chinese once they see someone else.

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)00:51 No. 764924 ID: e136ae
File 148135986040.jpg - (160.78KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 25.jpg )

>>764919
Kitty: Remarkable, it appears Snoogie-Boo also picks up suggestions. This could get awkward soon.

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)00:51 No. 764926 ID: e136ae
File 148135991333.jpg - (196.14KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 26.jpg )

Stranner: ... so it's Tuesday.

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)00:59 No. 764930 ID: e136ae
File 148136038375.jpg - (140.30KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 27.jpg )

Snoogie-Boo has more to say.

>>764930
To what?

>>764930
Wow, so you're doing what I told you I didn't want you to do... by broadcasting through your strawman monster that I didn't want you to do it.

>>764931
Presumably looking at the data on that Bayonetta field study. Spike, turn Snoogie-Boo around to look at something else.

>>764926
>its tuesday
Does this mean Bison will grace our village?

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)12:39 No. 765003 ID: e136ae
File 148140235911.jpg - (128.97KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 28.jpg )

Kitty: So anyway, I'm pretty sure we're here to murder the hell out of your boss. Possibly to also pet faeries.

>>764967
>Presumably looking at the data on that Bayonetta field study. Spike, turn Snoogie-Boo around to look at something else.

Spike: I'll put him in a little carrier and keep him safe.

Snoogie-Boo: Wow, so you're doing what I told you I didn't want you to do... by broadcasting through your strawman monster that I didn't want you to do it.

Spike: Awww you're NOT made of straw widdle Snoogie-Boo! You made of fwuff and cootness and widdle fangs and widdle horns and you like widdle Fizzgig from "The Dark Crystal" and I wuv you!

Kitty: So anyway, we need intel on BOSS FIGHTS as Kome suggested. What can you tell us about your boss?

Stranner: He's a horrible little man?

Kitty: Any particular strengths or weaknesses? Bullet immunity, ninja training... giant laser pointed at the moon?

Stranner: No, he's just a horrible little man.

Kitty: Huh.

Spike: We can't just kill him out-right that'd be too easy, isn't that right Snoogie-Boo?

Kitty: You're just gonna keep gushing over that thing, aren't you? But Spike's right, there's no way we can do something like just walk up and cut his head off. It'd be too quick and there's no challenge to just offing some vile little man hiding behind his tenure in a simplistic way. We gotta get Bugs Bunny up in this bitch.

Mary, Naughty Science Faerie: Actually we have a...

Kitty: Shut your whore mouth.

Technically, I think a strawman has to use deliberately faulty arguments to misrepresent or slander a position. Obnoxiously repeating whatever someone else says verbatim is... uh, not so much a logical fallacy as playground taunting.

>there's no way we can do something like just walk up and cut his head off.
Especially if this is still an 80s cartoons, because you can only use the edges of your weapons against robots, clones, and other inhuman things.

...maybe we need to turn him into a robot so he's okay to murderize.

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)13:22 No. 765009 ID: e136ae
File 148140493906.jpg - (104.02KB , 640x720 , SK STuipd Quest 29.jpg )

>>764982

Bison: DID SOMEONE SAY "TUESDAY"?

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)13:22 No. 765010 ID: e136ae
File 148140495127.jpg - (91.24KB , 640x720 , Sk Stupid Quest 30.jpg )

...

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)13:22 No. 765011 ID: e136ae
File 148140496443.jpg - (88.91KB , 640x720 , SK STuipd Quest 31.jpg )

...?

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)13:23 No. 765013 ID: e136ae
File 148140499537.jpg - (88.68KB , 640x720 , Sk Stupid Quest 32.jpg )

...

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)13:23 No. 765014 ID: e136ae
File 148140500314.jpg - (87.15KB , 640x720 , SK STuipd Quest 33.jpg )

...

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)13:23 No. 765015 ID: e136ae
File 148140501246.jpg - (104.21KB , 640x720 , Sk Stupid Quest 34.jpg )

!!!

Smik 2016/12/10(Sat)13:23 No. 765016 ID: e136ae
File 148140502792.jpg - (101.65KB , 640x720 , SK STuipd Quest 35.jpg )

Bison: OK BYE!!!

Well, that was delicious.

>>765016
YES
YES

Now that was a important moment in our lives.

Is that a Commissar pretending to be M.Bison or is that M.Bison as the new Commissar?

...what just happened?

>>765244
For us? The most important day of our lives.

For him? Just another tuesday.

its a reference to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlhOUyy4wbs

Smik 2016/12/21(Wed)23:45 No. 767497 ID: e136ae
File 148239270243.jpg - (111.01KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 36.jpg )

Kitty: Hey Stranner? Is your boss's name Chester by any chance?

Stranner: Why?

Kitty, what are you planning...

Smik 2016/12/21(Wed)23:50 No. 767499 ID: e136ae
File 148239305696.jpg - (138.20KB , 640x720 , SK Stuipd Quest 37.jpg )

Kitty: Oh, just that there's a joke I could be making if it is. Merry Christmas, Stranner.

Stranner: Murder is probably the least appropriate Christmas gift ever.

Kitty: Are you a vegetarian?

Stranner: No.

Kitty: Meat's not murder?

Stranner: No.

Kitty: If we eat him afterwards it's not murder.

Stranner: Cannibalism is probably the least appropriate Christmas gift ever.

Kitty: It's not cannibalism for us, we're not human.


DECISION TIME!

1. Spare Stranner's boss because it's Christmas.

2. Roast Stranner's boss because it'd be a dark Christmas miracle.

3. Roast and then eat Stranner's boss because meat isn't murder and Spike and Kitty aren't human anyway. Stranner can have fried chicken instead.

4. This is terrible and I'm going to hell, you suggest something else.

Give him a chance to earn his life. By which I mean deport him somewhere in Africa or Asia where he won't be a problem for Stranner, at least for the next few months. If he survives and makes it back home he's earned it.

Kill Stranner before he can revive his boss, then use his corpse as a connection between the fireplace and all the explosives you can find, then take all the porn that is useless to you (none of your fetishes, poor quality, has no connection to science, cannot be sold for more than the medium it's painted on) and post it on the fireplace and walls, then place all the good porn and technology outside and have flycatcher guard it, then use their phones and any other Wi-Fi recording devices to stream the whole thing live, then chase out all the other employees at swordpoint, then light the fuse and make sure you insult them one last time before you dash straight to the exit!

Wait, his boss is name Chester... Don't worry about it, because he is actually Chester cheetah, and he'll taste like Cheetos.

Smik 2016/12/22(Thu)09:47 No. 767539 ID: e136ae
File 148242883396.jpg - (152.31KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 38.jpg )

>>767504
>Give him a chance to earn his life. By which I mean deport him somewhere in Africa or Asia where he won't be a problem for Stranner, at least for the next few months. If he survives and makes it back home he's earned it.

Spike: That sounds expensive. Maybe we could ask Santa for a favour?

>>767539
Nah just do something like Team Rocket blasting off and aim him in the direction of Asia/Africa. He'll be fiiiiiiine, cartoon physics demand it.

Smik 2016/12/22(Thu)09:53 No. 767546 ID: e136ae
File 148242923132.jpg - (213.65KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 39.jpg )

>>767505
>Kill Stranner before he can revive his boss, then use his corpse as a connection between the fireplace and all the explosives you can find, then take all the porn that is useless to you (none of your fetishes, poor quality, has no connection to science, cannot be sold for more than the medium it's painted on) and post it on the fireplace and walls, then place all the good porn and technology outside and have flycatcher guard it, then use their phones and any other Wi-Fi recording devices to stream the whole thing live, then chase out all the other employees at swordpoint, then light the fuse and make sure you insult them one last time before you dash straight to the exit!

Spike: ...

Kitty: ...

Spike: ...

Kitty: ... no sweetie, Stranner is an ally character who hates his boss. He can't revive him, he wouldn't revive him, and he's only marginally interested in eating his corpse.

Stranner: Marginally?

Smik 2016/12/22(Thu)10:00 No. 767548 ID: e136ae
File 148242963402.jpg - (139.79KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 40.jpg )

>>767523
>Wait, his boss is name Chester... Don't worry about it, because he is actually Chester cheetah, and he'll taste like Cheetos.

Kitty: No dear, "Chester" as in "Chester's nuts roasting on an open fire". Y'know, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire", as in a Christmas song? It's a joke dear, a little 'ha ha' -- at least until I had to explain it.

>>767548
I got the joke, I was just making another joke.

Chester might already be dead if he has been suffocating in the present, and isn't struggling. Might as well roast him and get rid of the evidence.

Smik 2016/12/22(Thu)11:29 No. 767568 ID: e136ae
File 148243495754.jpg - (132.86KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 41.jpg )

>>767561
>I got the joke, I was just making another joke.

Kitty: You were? (oh dear). Sorry pumpkin, while on the Internet it's usually a good idea to err on the side of stupid. You know how it is.

>Chester might already be dead if he has been suffocating in the present, and isn't struggling. Might as well roast him and get rid of the evidence.

Spike: He's struggling. Is his name really Chester or are we just calling him that? We could call him Frank or Anthony and say it's a weiner roast.

Kitty: Sssh Spike, the adults are talking.

hm, what if we you guys just eat a body part off of him. Won't be murder that way.

Smik 2017/01/11(Wed)20:18 No. 771881 ID: e136ae
File 148419471538.jpg - (125.91KB , 640x720 , SK Stuipd Quest 42.jpg )

UnderStranner: Well I was almost going to say to let him off easier but then I remembered the shady crap he pulls and the amount of abuse he gets away with.

Kitty: How about ...

UnderStranner: I'm not into cannibalism.

Kitty: SPIKE! LIGHT 'EM UP BUT SET THE TABLE FOR JUST 2! Wait..

Kitty: Flycatcher, how do you feel about eating...

Flycatcher: You're a terrible person, Kitty.

Kitty: YEAH JUST TWO, SPIKE!

Smik 2017/01/11(Wed)20:20 No. 771882 ID: e136ae
File 148419485741.jpg - (101.06KB , 640x720 , Sk Stupid Quest 43.jpg )

Kitty: OK, what the hell are you doing?

Mary, the Sexy Science Fairy: It's for science.

Kitty: Recording some asshole getting roasted alive is for science.

Mary, the Sexy Science Fairy: It's someone's fetish, and in this lab that means it's FOR SCIENCE!

Kitty: Everything is someone's fetish.

Mary, the Sexy Science Fairy: AND THEREFORE EVERYTHING IS A SEXUAL SCIENCE!

Kitty: You're a terrible person.

Aw man, Mary is going to ruin the moment.

Alright, no burning. let him go.

Smik 2017/01/11(Wed)21:00 No. 771892 ID: e136ae
File 148419723575.jpg - (292.95KB , 640x720 , Sk Stupid Quest 44.jpg )

There is a sizable explosion from the fireplace.

Smik 2017/01/11(Wed)21:11 No. 771894 ID: e136ae
File 148419786322.jpg - (188.81KB , 640x720 , Sk Stupid Quest 45.jpg )

Spike: GUYS! I THINK STRANNER'S BOSS WAS FULL OF METHANE!

Kitty: ...

Mary: ...

Spike: BECAUSE HE WAS A TERRIBLE PERSON!

Kitty: ...

Mary: ...

Spike: YOU KNOW WHY? IT HAS TO DO WITH POO!

Mary: ...

Kitty: ... 'cause he was an asshole who was always so full of shit?

Spike: THAT IS RIGHT!

Kitty: Spike?

Spike: YES?

Kitty: I'm pretty sure the human body cannot compress methane that effectively to create such a massive explosion.

Spike: It's funnier than us roasting someone alive and then eating said person.

Kitty: True. Also the meat would be ruined if we roasted him whole and alive.

Mary: I'm sure this is still somebody's fetish. An explosion fetish.

Time to hide the evidence.

SELECT NEXT MISSION Smik 2017/03/03(Fri)19:41 No. 784688 ID: e136ae
File 148859888119.jpg - (328.94KB , 640x720 , SK Stupid Quest 46.jpg )

Congratulations! The current mission is considered "Close Enough"! You may now select your next mission:

SELECTION A: "SNOOGIE-BOO, WHERE ARE YOU!" in which we will do a stupid Scooby-Doo parody. While Spike & Snoogie Boo will replace Shaggy & Scooby, Kitty and two others will replace Daphne, Velma, Fred & Scrappy. And then you'll maybe solve a mystery. Maybe.

SELECTION B: Spike & Kitty's Extremely Trendy Dungeon Crawl, in which our crew will take on the roles of Fighter, Thief, Magic-User, Cleric, Bard & Snoogie-Boo and do a dungeon crawl in an very trendy, very exclusive dungeon and most likely irritate the very trendy, very exclusive dungeon master.

>>784688
Dungeon Crawl.

Smik 2017/03/03(Fri)22:49 No. 784739 ID: e136ae
File 148861017756.jpg - (365.88KB , 640x720 , SK_ChooseSpikeClass.jpg )

Please choose a class for SPIKE.

Available classes:
- Fighter
- Magic User
- Thief
- Cleric
- Bard

Third grade. Spike was held back a lot in school.

Smik 2017/03/03(Fri)23:05 No. 784745 ID: e136ae
File 148861113191.jpg - (446.83KB , 640x720 , SK_ChooseSpikeClass_a.jpg )

You have selected THIRD GRADE class.

Spike will be equipped with SCHOOL SUPPLIES, a SCHOOL UNIFORM, a BACKPACK, PACKED LUNCH and a HALL PASS.

Are you sure? (Y/N)

LOL no.

Express Class - Spike is now the inventory guy.

>>784747
Why not both?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRjUMEQJnWA

>>784747
Or maybe the Panda Express class. You are hungry for Chinese food.

Smik 2017/03/03(Fri)23:50 No. 784754 ID: e136ae
File 148861381339.jpg - (449.79KB , 640x720 , SK_ChooseSpikeClass_b.jpg )

You have selected THIRD GRADE PANDA EXPRESS CLASS.

Spike will be equipped with a COURIER'S PACK which may contain SCHOOL SUPPLIES, A PACKED LUNCH, PENCILS, CHINESE FOOD, 3RD GRADERS, a PANDA, or some combination thereof.

He also guaranteed to arrive the next business day or you will receive a full refund. This may be less than optimal for Chinese food delivery.


Are you sure? (Y/N)

Y, or N? I'll go with Q, thanks.

Smik 2017/03/04(Sat)12:22 No. 784815 ID: e136ae
File 148865895216.jpg - (463.61KB , 640x720 , SK_ChooseSpikeClass_c.jpg )

>>784764

You have chosen OPTION Q: LET QUICKMAN DECIDE!

Quickman: ... what the crap?

>QUICKMAN, please select a class for SPIKE.

Quickman: ... what the CRAP?!

>Also... ** QUICKMAN JOINS THE PARTY **

Quickman: WHAT THE CRAP?!

>Did you want to go back to the Megaman series?

Quickman: Hell no, Capcom's not given me work in years.

>QUICKMAN joins the lineup of OPTIONAL PARTY MEMBERS which also includes:

- BUFF FLYCATCHER
- SCIENCE ASS FAERIE (whose name is Mary)
- THE UNDERSTRANNER

(Required party members: Spike, Kitty, Snoogie-Boo)

>QUICKMAN, please select a class for SPIKE.

Quickman: Holy crap, what happened to this guy?

>QUEST happened to this guy. They first selected 3RD GRADER, then chose 3RD GRADE PANDA EXPRESS.

Quickman: What were the options?

>Fighter, magic-user, thief, cleric, bard.

Quickman: WHAT THE CRAP?!

>Apparently that's your catch phrase.

Quickman: Geez... umm... he doesn't look too smart, I think we better go with "fighter".

>3RD GRADER comes with a hall pass and packed lunch, you know.

Quickman: Can he take a hit?

>He can take all the hits, especially to the head.

Quickman: OK, yeah, fighter. Look, I think it'd be funny to slot him into another class too but I might have to work with this guy and I don't wanna hear whatever music or sermons he might come up with, and I sure as hell don't want him to play with magic.

SPIKE WILL BE A FIGHTER.

Smik 2017/03/04(Sat)12:42 No. 784820 ID: e136ae
File 148866013811.jpg - (371.82KB , 640x720 , SK_ChooseKittyClass.jpg )

Please choose a class for KITTY.

Available classes:
- Magic User
- Thief
- Cleric
- Bard

Kitty: Ninja-lawyer.

>You stay out of this.

Kitty: Why am I in a bra & panties?

>Spike was in boxers.

Kitty: Striped panties. You're pandering, I'm not OK with this. My design's changed again.

>Tough.

Kitty: Spike's design didn't change.

>Spike is a zen-like idiot.

Kitty: ... actually that's fair enough.

>>784820
Well lawyers and ninjas are both sub-classifications of thieves, right? Slap some prestige classes on there and we've got what we want.

Smik 2017/03/04(Sat)13:14 No. 784827 ID: e136ae
File 148866208741.jpg - (253.26KB , 640x720 , SK_ChooseParty.jpg )

You have chosen the role of THIEF to fall to KITTY.

Kitty: Holy shit, something sensible.

Please choose 3 of the 4 remaining OPTIONAL PARTY MEMBERS to play the roles of CLERIC, BARD and MAGIC USER.

Your choices:
- PUMPED UP BATTLE FLYCATCHER
- SEXY ASS SCIENCE FAERIE MARIE
- THE TECHPRIEST/PROFESSIONAL LAB WRESTLER UNDERSTRANNER
- "What the Crap?!" QUICKMAN

Flycatcher: bard.

Quickman: cleric. He worships the archetypal speedster. Nice that he can cast haste, the actual speed dependency is a drawback, though.

Science fairy: Have her steal fighter from spike. Tiny fighter fairy and unpredictable idiot mage is clearly the better choice.

Flycatcher: BattleToadMage
Science Fairy: Bard (With Flashing Headlights as her special ability)
And trade the remaining two characters for a healing artifact:

Fountain of Healing Farts
Size: Small (Dwarf-sized)
Mobile: Yes
Sentient: No (activate with voice commands and contextual input)
Passive Ability: Heal 2HP / Turn
Overdrive: Heals 6HP to a single character, healing power -50% for 2 turns
Full Defense: User gains 105DR (Up to 90% of all damage will be negated, unless Damage Resistance is lowered to less than 90) and 5 Damage Threshold (Unit deducts 5 damage from all attacks, does not affect tactics or status effects)
Buildup: Healing Power -50% for two turns, Healing Power increases by 50% per turn for three turns.
Camping Skill: Can produce dense beef jerky with minor healing properties when fed with pure meat, or other such cooking items.

Cleric for Understranner? A techpriest is cleric-y and assuming it's DnD style clerics then that should be pretty decent combat-wise, which fits the wrestle-y bit.

Er, for the other two: Flycatcher as Magic user, and Mary as bard? (Although the other way round might be hilarious).