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File 168036555566.png - (11.66KB , 640x360 , order-up-2.png )
1060199 No. 1060199 ID: a7a180

Episode II: Attack of the Calzones

Previously: https://tgchan.org/wiki/Order_Up
Title card courtesy of Riotmode!
70 posts omitted. Last 100 shown. Expand all images
No. 1061810 ID: e51896

Wait, i notice someone frozen in carbonite in the background. We might need to save them. I don't think we can save them by running away, so ill change my vote to fight our way to save them and get out!
No. 1061815 ID: 273c18

>not giving him yours
What??? Nobody said to have the guard call someone!

>noticed missing slice, became hostile
THAT is EXACTLY why I didn't want to do that. Fuck this situation.
No. 1061820 ID: f2320a

Mention how his guard did not let us in until he snatched a slice from one of the boxes
No. 1061823 ID: a5f6c0

You didn't take it, his guard did :)
No. 1061833 ID: e5709d

"I thought this was a pizza party. Your guy outside demanded a slice."
No. 1061834 ID: d901ec

I support this.
"I had to bribe the guard with because wouldn't let me pass otherwise."
No. 1061838 ID: f5ac2b

No. 1061860 ID: be2ac4

OH hell no, this is fucking money. It's time to use the force.
No. 1061962 ID: a7a180
File 168226564291.png - (13.61KB , 500x500 , cant_we_talk_about_our_feelings.png )

You back up slowly, trying to make excuses for yourself as the thugs get up, grinning and flicking on their vibroknives.
“It wasn’t me who ate that slice, it was the galoot standing outside! He wouldn’t let me inside, you know? Someone really ought to have told him to expect me!”
You bump into a machine and realize: there’s no talking your way out. You remember something your master once told you: at times like these, when violence is inevitable, you must put aside your fears and fight.
You pull your lightsaber out and brandish it. “Stay back! You don’t want me to use this on you.”
The flash from your white-hot blade freezes the crowd in place until the lead thug breaks the spell. “Jedi! Grab her!”
The goons think they have the numbers to take you on, but what they lack is coordination and courage. You’re still very reluctant to use your saber on living beings, it’s messy and leaves very identifiable wounds. However, it’s very good at scaring away thugs when they try to get close. You use this to keep the others off you while you take them out one by one with sweeping kicks. You use your long reach to your advantage and slap one guy’s knife out of his hand, then turn and kick another thug who topples over the pizza boxes, scattering cheese and cardboard across the floor. The Hutt’s monkey-thing dives into the fracas trying to loot some of the delicious floor pizza, but in the chaos someone kicks him away into the shadows.
No. 1061963 ID: a7a180
File 168226565081.png - (17.76KB , 500x500 , pizza_partys_over.png )

You lead the last two on a chase into the abandoned machinery, clambering up and over the assembly lines to quickly flank them and kick one in the head. The last one pulls out a blaster and fires wildly, forcing you to take cover. You pick up a dusty box and throw it without looking at what’s inside. You miss, but it spills dozens of kids’ meal toys over the floor, creating a minefield of cheap plastic. He tries to flank you, but stubs his foot on a tiny Yoda and doubles over in pain. You call on unnatural speed once again to slice the gun in half and force push him across the room. Your heart is pounding in your chest as you realize, no one is left standing to fight you.
You announce to the room, “Okay. I’m leaving now, and if you even think about retaliation, remember: I know where you live.”
The Hutt is too inconsolate about his ruined pizza to respond. You walk outside to your speeder, past the confused glance of the door guard. Phew. Combat took a lot out of you. At least those lowlifes can’t go to the police, right? You wish you hadn’t broken that guy’s gun. You got caught up in feeling like a warrior again. You’re lucky to be alive right now… Okay, you’d better call Poof. You press the redial button, and-

:poofpanik: Jynn? I was just about to call you! This is bad, this is really bad!

“What? How did you know? I swear it’s not what it looks-”

:poofpanik: Somehow, Palpatine returned. With a new order! I need you to drop what you’re doing and pick it up right now!

“What? That’s - Why would the Emperor order out for pizza? This has got to be another prank call, right?”

:poofpanik: I don’t understand either, he was so unsatisfied with his last order he fried the delivery guy to a crisp! But we can’t say no to him... Hopefully you’ll do better?
No. 1061968 ID: bc24cb

This is obviously a prank call. Like, extremely obviously. Go answer it and be sure to remind Mr. Poof that he can't just assume someone's the emperor just because they say so.
No. 1061987 ID: e51896

It's probably a trap. Peetsa probably called the emperor after he discovered we were a jedi, and now the emperor wants to get rid of us personally after hearing there's a jedi in the pizza restaurant. we should probably quit.
No. 1061988 ID: 38349b

Calmly repeat that he was "burned to a crisp", ie, dead in a questioning way.

Upon hearing that again and realizing you're not crazy tell them that you quit because no, you are not delivering a pizza to someone known to kill people, not paid enough!

Though uh, what now?
No. 1062030 ID: e5709d

Did you start hallucinating again?
You probably made the wrong call. They can't do anything about you, but they have connections who they can blab to. Your cover might be blown if you can't find some way to 'convince' them that the 'Jedi' was just a scavenger with a dead knight's saber and some parlor trick tech to scare Empire-lovers off.

Deep breaths, Mr. Poof.
No. 1062069 ID: a7a180
File 168239090476.png - (15.60KB , 500x500 , i_thought_hed_be_taller.png )

“Burned to a crisp, you said.”

:poofworry: It was only hearsay! Not like I ever saw him again.

“Uh huh. You know this is obviously a prank call, right? You can’t assume someone’s the Emperor just because he says so.”

:Poofpanik: I swear, this is definitely real! I can show you the proof, just get back here quick!

“Alright Poof, deep breaths. I’m coming back.”

>It’s a trap! The emperor wants to get rid of us personally! We should just quit.
>Your cover might be blown
Oh no, oh no- No! Hold on! We can’t quit, it’s too soon! We just got this job, you can’t spend another month on the streets trying to find a new one right after this one fell into your lap! You’ve got bills to pay, and rent on a dingy little closet, and a ticket off this blasted rock to save up for! Get ahold of yourself - if the Hutt tries to take you down, he’s going down with you. No way he’s that crazy.
>They have connections who they can blab to…
…Mistakes may have been made. You’ll worry about it later.

You return to the pizzeria and Poof shows you the proof. First, he plays back the order. A grim specter stands shrouded in long robes, knobby hands clasped in front of him. The signal quality is distorted, but it definitely came from an holorecorder located inside the Imperial Palace.

:palpable: The duties of my office have left me drained and with munchies. I command you to bring a Naboo-style pizza with artichoke to my chambers on the west side of the Imperial Palace. Be there by 1700, sharp. You will make this delivery.

Something about his voice at the end reaches inside of you and grips your heart with an icy, cold fear. He doesn’t have to threaten you with punishment - your imagination fills in what could happen if you disobey. If that’s not the real Emperor, then you don’t know what is.

“See? I’m not joking. It even has his chain code attached to the order,” says Poof.
“...What is a chain code, anyway?” You never got one, and at this point you’ve been afraid to ask.
“Oh, it’s a system the Empire set up for tracking people’s activity. The code gives you a discount and rewards at Empire-approved food chains.”
He brings up a display of Palpatine’s chain code: ID number 00001. it consists of a holographic card with a picture of his face and a hole punched for each of his past orders. Two more orders, and he gets a free soda.

You throw your hands in the air. “Okay, so it’s real. Too bad! I quit. No way. I’m not paid enough to deliver pizza to someone who is going to kill me.”
You start to walk out, but Poof chases after you. “Wait! Alright alright, you’re right! You’re not being paid enough! Don’t walk out on me… Please? That will just get the emperor mad at both of us. …Tell ya what, if you walk in there, you can keep all the credits you walk out with. Deal?”
You consider the price of a specialty order. And the delivery fee to the senate district. And the tip. “…Deal. And I want hazard pay.”
Poof nods, relieved. “Consider it a signing-on bonus.”
As you turn away, you hear him sigh. “It’s so hard to find good help these days…”
No. 1062070 ID: a7a180
File 168239091014.png - (16.12KB , 500x500 , car_trouble_pt_2.png )

You package up the pizza. The pizza for Palpatine. The pizza Poof prepared particularly for Palpatine. Palpatine’s pizza. You place it in an insulated bag and you hop right onto the skyway.
...Aaaand immediately hit a traffic jam. There’s a huge line of speeders going all the way up to the next exit. Come on! How is it even backed up? We’re in a three dimensional lane for crying out loud! Craning your neck over the windshield to see the problem, the lane is standing still for further than you can see. Is it an accident? Construction? Just rush hour traffic? Whatever it is, it’s taking forever.
>Honk harder!
>Seek alternate route
>Attempt to cut the line
>Other: >_
No. 1062072 ID: e51896

Other. You're in a flying vehicle, right? take a risk and just fly off the route to your destination. Yeah it's illegal, but this is the emperor we're talking about.
No. 1062073 ID: bc24cb

Just fly outside the lanes. If anyone stops you tell them you're on direct orders from the Emperor.
No. 1062075 ID: 273c18

Maybe you can call the non-emergency stormtrooper line and ask for an escort so you can fly outside the lanes legally? You've got what seems to be a legitimate order by the Emperor, so they can get you there with no problems whatsoever.
No. 1062076 ID: 3f43f7

You know something, this could be a good idea, if the stormtroopers send the pizza in without us, we won't have to meet the Emperor
No. 1062100 ID: 87e33c

I like this idea a lot
No. 1062103 ID: e51896

Yeah, see if this works. otherwise, if they won't for some stupid reason, just fly out of the lanes like originally planned
No. 1062109 ID: fca1c9

Wait, before you call the stormtroopers for help, put on your fake mustache disguise

Knowing our luck, we might end up with that same stormtrooper we threatened the pizza over, and he could give us a hard time if he recognizes us.

Also, our face was on a carton earlier in the previous thread. The empeor might recognize us as that person if we go there undisguised
No. 1062167 ID: a7a180
File 168256064676.png - (17.36KB , 500x500 , buckle_up_its_the_law.png )

>Call for an escort
If this truly is a pizza fit for an emperor, surely the Empire will make sure nothing and no one gets in the way of its delivery. You never thought you’d be one to call this number, but you dial the security helpline frequency listed on every propaganda billboard, usually alongside a picture of a shining armored enforcer of the peace.
>Wait, before you call the stormtroopers for help, put on your fake mustache
Oh, whoops! Almost forgot! You quickly apply it while the comlink is dialing.
The operator that picks up sounds friendly and cheerful. “COMPNOR security hotline! How may I be of service?
“Yeah, is this the right number for-”
Please hold!” You’re left on hold for a minute listening to the jauntier version of the imperial march. The jam only moves a few inches in the meantime.
-Thank you for waiting! How may I be of service?
“Yeah, is this the right number for… requesting an escort? I’m delivering a pizza for Emperor Palpatine, but traffic’s backed up for what looks like hours. Could you send someone to clear the way? I’m on the eastbound 10… skyway.”
There’s a concerning pause before she answers. “...Really? An escort for pizza delivery.” The friendliness drains away in an instant, replaced by jaded incredulity.
“Well, it’s for the Emperor!” you protest.
Uh huh, sure it is.
“I can prove it! His chain code was attached to the order…”
Riiiight. Number 00001? Gee, that’s correct! What a lucky guess. Please. You’re not the only farrik who thinks he’s clever and wants to abuse Imperial resources for ‘official business.’ Now stop wasting my time.
“Excuse me? You know, if the Emperor hears this is the response I got when asking for help with-!”
She interrupts your angry comeback. “Well gee, if you really are delivering for the Emperor, why don’t you call him up for help? Bye!click.
Why that - Maybe you will! …The number doesn’t answer when you call him back. Blast.
Well sod it, if they aren’t going to help you solve this gridlock then you’ll solve it yourself! You disengage the altitude stabilizer and forge your own path through the skyways.
You quickly learn that the grid lanes are there for a reason. Traffic bears down on you from every direction, screaming past your head with very little warning! Only your Force-sensitive reflexes are able to save you from more than a couple T-bones, sidewinders and head-on collisions with other drivers. A chorus of screeching horns follows in your wake.
Hey you! Pull over!
Oh dear. A trooper with police lights blaring starts to give chase. His speederbike quickly closes the distance with your beat-up pizzamobile, and he’s gaining fast. You don’t think he’s going to buy the Emperor excuse any better! Panicking, you punch the thrusters to maximum and try to squeeze down the gap between two oncoming lanes.
Central, this is Echo niner, we have a code skipray. Suspect is in a red delivery speeder heading east, requesting backup in sector - Aaagh!” His report on your whereabouts is cut short by a high speed collision with the side of a waste transport, scattering bits of his speeder in all directions.
Well, that model always was a deathtrap… This is going to look really bad if Poof hears about this. You merge back into traffic and try to act natural. No other sirens start chasing you, so you think you’re safe for the moment. Hopefully, they don’t trace this back to you.
No. 1062168 ID: a7a180
File 168256065147.png - (15.69KB , 500x500 , is_there_a_problem_officer.png )

With the traffic jam behind you, you put a little extra weight on the gas and reach the turnoff for the imperial palace in good time. There’s a security checkpoint for all incoming traffic that forces you to stop for inspection. Wanted posters for Jedi and dissidents are posted on the outside of the guard booth.
“Greetings! Spiffing afternoon, isn’t it?”
Oh blitznak, you recognize this guy from your last job. Hopefully he doesn’t recognize you.
“Uhh, yyep, sure is!”
“No need to be nervous, old chap! This is just standard security procedure. Right then, what’s the reason for your visit today?”
“Uhh… pizza delivery.”
“Pizza, eh? I suppose I’m getting a smidge hungry myself, haha! ID and registration please.”
Uh oh. You got your old job precisely because it didn’t ask too many questions about your background. You really should have remembered to get a fake ID in the intervening years, but you… forgot.
“Uh, yeah, yeah, let me just get those out of my…” Wait, the glovebox had the right sorts of papers in it! You could try showing them Poof’s picture. With the fake mustache on, your face sort of looks like his. “...passenger side!.” You reach over and pass Poof’s papers to the officer.
He looks between you and the photo ID with a thoughtful expression and you feel another panic attack coming on. “I say… are xextos and quermians related?”
“Um, yes? Whyy do you ask?” It’s getting hot in here, maybe you should turn up the fan.
“Ah, that would explain how you both grow such tip top ‘tashes!” Oh thank the Force, he doesn’t recognize you after all. Probably.
He waves the cards over a scanner that prints out a ticket, then hands back the lot to you.
“Here you are, sir, just have to run this license number through our system and then you’ll be on your way…“
Oh no! What if his search turns up the speeding violation you just committed? You’ve got to do something right now before he makes that search!

>Distract him
>Gun it through the checkpoint!
>Mind trick
>Other: >_
No. 1062170 ID: 7173eb

You should be fine, they didnt report your license plate before they crashed, just let him do his thing.
No. 1062171 ID: e5709d

"I bet you twenty bucks you can't guess who this delivery is for."
No. 1062174 ID: 273c18

Distract him by showing him the video of the Emperor's order.
No. 1062176 ID: e51896

Actually, that could work if he's working for the emperor. He'll know how important this is and let us through.
No. 1062181 ID: 5d12b1

Just go, he gave you everything you needed back already.
No. 1062189 ID: 664e6c

Distract him using the most powerful of mind tricks. Show him (but not us) your tits, and then leave at top speed.
No. 1062482 ID: a7a180
File 168297987591.png - (13.69KB , 500x500 , just_as_planned.png )

>Namedrop the Emperor
Sure, that didn’t work at all the last time you tried it, but if at first you don’t succeed, hey?
“Excuse me, sir!” He sits up and turns away from the terminal to look at you. “I don’t mean to rush you, but this delivery…” You straighten out, then lean over to whisper directly in his ear. “It’s for a certain Emperor Palpatine, all right?”
He bolts upright. “Oh! the Emperor himself!”
“Yes, and he’d like it as hot and fresh as possible so can you just, wave me through?”
“But of course. I’m sure a fine, upstanding civil servant like yourself isn’t on any watchlists or wanted for any recent crimes against the Empire, right?”
“Of course not! The Emperor himself trusts you with his dinner, so I ought to as well! Right then, off you go. I’ll phone ahead to let him know you’re on your way!”
…Wait, that actually worked? He just… He just let you through, like that.

You’ve got a bad feeling about this…
No. 1062483 ID: a7a180
File 168297988121.png - (14.68KB , 500x500 , nobodys_home.png )

You find a place to park by the west wing and hesitate. You’re not usually supposed to go in, but nobody’s coming out to meet you. It’s a really big palace, so maybe he doesn’t feel like legging it all that way. You’re not exactly sure what the protocol is on this one. …You decide to quit wasting time and go inside to deliver it. Personally, if you have to. Why are you doing this, again?
You enter through a side door and go looking for the emperor’s chambers, or perhaps the throne room if that’s where takes his meals. You try to find someone to ask for directions, but not a soul besides you seems to be wandering these hallways. It’s very unnerving.
…Well, you’re completely lost now.
No. 1062486 ID: bc24cb

Oh no. It's a terrifying endless maze.
Hug the left wall and you might find the exit.

Here's hoping it's not the non-euclidian nightmare sort of maze!
No. 1062493 ID: be2ac4

No. 1062508 ID: e9415c

>…Wait, that actually worked? He just… He just let you through, like that.
the bitchin stache is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural.
No. 1062510 ID: 4314ed

This is either going great, or horribly.
No. 1062511 ID: 273c18

Straight. Stands to reason the throne room is in the center, right?
No. 1062515 ID: fd1977

Straight on
No. 1062553 ID: 447081

Go left.
No. 1062600 ID: 4753b2

Use the force to sense the biggest amount of old fogey dark side and go there.
No. 1062665 ID: a7a180
File 168317135786.png - (113.99KB , 500x500 , the_good_old_days.png )

Guess you’ll just hug the left wall until something happens. As you walk, the feeling of wrongness grows, like… something’s missing from this place. Life, perhaps. Yes, but not in the sense of soulless, oppressive architecture like the Empire loves to build, but like the life was stripped away from it. There should be more than the occasional imperial banner hanging from the wall, there should be… statues, and people, walking around.
That’s when it hits you. You’ve been here before, in a happier time. You don’t know how you didn’t recognize it sooner. Frelling heck, this is the Jedi temple. What a sick joke!
You know where you are now. You’re just around the corner from the grand archives. You decide to have a look inside, for old times’ sake. No signs are left of the slaughter that took place here. The shelves are still intact, though some of the holo-archives have been replaced with newer models which stick out. You remember being here, tucked into an obscure corner of the archives…

You’re doing some late night reading, by your lonesome as usual. You hope your master will come home soon. Suddenly, you hear a commotion. It’s usually just you and the librarians this late at night. A group of younglings walks past the aisle, shepherded by one of the junior archivists. She spots you and tells you to come quickly in a harsh whisper. You start to ask what’s happening, but she shushes you.
“You all need to evacuate, quickly. There’s a hidden door behind the bookshelves, I’ll show you. Once you’re down the ladder, stay together and get away as fast as you can.” She pulls a secret lever and a bookcase opens inward to reveal a ladder going down. The sounds of blaster fire are getting louder. One by one the padawans climb down. They’re scared. As the oldest, you’re the last one to go down. The librarian stops you.
“Tala, close the door behind you.”
“Why? Aren’t you coming?”
She ignores the question. “I’ll buy you as much time as I can. Now go!”
You don’t know what’s going on, but the look of fear in her eyes, you’ll never forget.

No. 1062666 ID: a7a180
File 168317136393.png - (142.90KB , 500x500 , world_1-2.png )

You close the door and descend into darkness. The ladder stretches on for what seems like hundreds of feet. The slow pace of the padawans below you leads to more than one kicked head. When you finally reach the bottom, your senses are assaulted by the musty sewer. There are less than a dozen of you here, some having already run off by themselves. They don’t believe you when you say the librarian isn’t coming. Loud explosions are heard from above, scaring the younglings. Reluctantly, you start down one of the tunnels, flinching at the sounds of vermin scuttling in the shadows. You haven’t gone far enough when you hear the sounds of heavy thumping echo off the walls. You aren’t alone anymore.
“Spread out and secure the tunnels! Let none escape!” That sounds like- clones? Why are they after you? You can’t tell which direction they came from. Fear clouds your mind, and everyone takes off running.

No. 1062667 ID: a7a180
File 168317136783.png - (152.89KB , 500x500 , thats_not_a_toy.png )

It’s total chaos, the sound of shouting, shooting, screaming. You get separated from the group, you’re not sure how. There’s no choice but to keep going, to save yourself. Your lightsaber clatters at your hip. You’ve never used it in self defense before, your trials were only just beginning. You hope today won’t be one of them.
The sounds of battle grow quiet compared to your own heavy breathing. Maybe you’ve outpaced them for now. You just need a moment to catch your breath, maybe figure out where you are. You don’t get one. A clone turns the corner, nearly walking right into you.
“Stop right there!”
You reflexively take a step back and brandish your lightsaber. However, in your moment of panic you forgot to turn it on. The clone trooper seizes the initiative to try and wrestle it away. “Drop the weapon!”
“No! Stay away from me!”
He’s stronger than you, but you have more arms and a reach advantage. The struggle over the lightsaber goes back and forth. You’re not sure how it happened, or which one of you did it, but in the confusion the activation switch gets flicked.

No. 1062668 ID: a7a180
File 168317137354.png - (182.18KB , 500x500 , high_yield_face_removal.png )



No. 1062669 ID: a7a180
File 168317137984.png - (15.87KB , 500x500 , you_ok_there_jynn.png )

You’ve got to get out of here.
No. 1062670 ID: bc24cb

Great idea! You should leave this place immediately!
You hugged the left wall to get in, just turn around and hug the right wall to get out! ..right?
No. 1062672 ID: bcb93c

Oops, you dropped the pizza. Well, even if you didnt want to leave, you got no choice but to leave now. It belongs to the mouse droids now.

Take the secret passage again through the bookshelf like you did years ago. That way we wont run into anyone if we turn back.
No. 1062673 ID: e5709d

In retrospect, you and Poof should have given Palpatine the option to order an extra-strength, antivenom-equipped pizza box.
Stupendous. Now he's going to get a quadruple refund if he doesn't literally slaughter you first.
...Wait, does Palpatine still have enough functioning taste buds to tell that the pizza was dropped on the floor?
Quick, scoop the pizza back into the box, move a few extra yards to get away from the stain, then drop the pizza box on the floor and drag your feet into a corridor. Make it look like some raunchy Inquisitor kidnapped the pizza girl for some one-on-one sausage cutting. Then get to the secret exit and skedaddle.
No. 1062677 ID: 273c18

Yeah, use the secret passage.
No. 1062678 ID: 273c18

Also call your boss to warn him that you used his ID at the checkpoint so the Emperor might think he was the one delivering the pizza.
No. 1062710 ID: a7a180
File 168325208480.png - (18.06KB , 500x500 , nobody_expects_the_inquisition.png )

>Walk off the job
Stang the emperor, stang the pizza, you’re getting the fierfek out of here. You’re in over your head, you need to warn Poof, tell him you’re - Hey, wasn’t there-

“Going somewhere?”
Your thoughts are interrupted by a woman in a white imperial mantle backed by a dozen stormtroopers. You just about manage to not scream in fright.
“Ohoho! It’s so cute when Jedi try to be sneaky. You thought seeking an audience with the Emperor himself would be as easy as waltzing in here dressed as a delivery courier, master Poof?”
You resist the urge to point out that’s exactly how easy it was… and you’re not- ohh, that’s why it sounded familiar. He looks so different from how you remember!
The woman struts back and forth, delighting in her monologue. “I've been waiting for this moment. Our eyes and ears are everywhere. We’ve known there was going to be a plot today for quite some time. We decided to lie back and let you play right into our hands, and here you are, right on schedule! Thanks for saving us a trip.”

Your eyes dart toward the shelves. Maybe you can still lose them.

“Thinking of escaping out the back door? Mm, I’m afraid it won’t work. Trust me, I tried doing that once - and I was still caught.”
No. 1062711 ID: 273c18

Huh, so... trying to run wasn't the only option? Despite the pizza being on the floor? And trying to leave didn't actually do anything?

Tell them you're not Poof. That should be obvious by the fact that you're female, and you have no mustache. Also you were shown a video for the Emperor's pizza order so you... don't know how this wasn't a legitimate delivery? You uh, dropped the pizza though. Sorry.
No. 1062714 ID: d468a7

Call her racist for thinking all xextos look the same and mistaking you for Poof.
No. 1062718 ID: e5709d

Two heartbeats and then rip your moustache off.
"Okay, screw this, screw my immigration officer, and screw my boss' immigration officer, are those @#$%-faces seriously giving us migrants identities based on famous terrorists?! I only came to this miserable planet because my ex-girlfriend roped me into living with her, and then I had to get a miserable burger job when she dumped me, and then I lost my 'chipped' faulty ID card just before I could find a new job after getting laid off and then I had to borrow my new boss' ID just to use his speedster on near impossible deliveries, and now I find out that his ID was somehow laced with the biometrics of some long-dead, mass-murdering Jedi! You know what, screw it, arrest me. I will do whatever it takes to sue the pants off everyone who was involved in @#$%ing us foreigners in the ass! Sometimes literally without our consent I mean this girl!"
No. 1062722 ID: bc24cb

Is that a light WHIP?
No. 1062731 ID: 85b96f

Dude we fr actually a pizzagirl. Can you do us a solid and pretend you didn't see us drop the order right on the floor? nice whip.
No. 1062746 ID: ffa1c0

Wait, she said there was a plot *today* so... were we just used by assassins as a red herring? Seems like the chain code is an open secret and if the message was falsified... Oh the imperial inquisition is going to feel so silly when the actual plot goes off. So... oh hell, do we have to *save* the emperor to establish innocence?
No. 1062764 ID: 85b96f

shit i think you're right. Is there a way to bring up that point without making Jynn look sus af? "Legit here for a regular pizza delivery order, not an assassin or terrorist, ~this is not the 'plot' you're looking for~." or something like that?
No. 1062767 ID: 8f9bc4

Poof is a Jedi? You didn't know he was a Jedi! How does he run an Empire approved pizzeria if he's a Jedi? You didn't know about any plot! Wait, was the plot just to deliver a pizza to the Emperor? Is she just saying she's here to pick up the pizza, and she has a habit of phrasing everything like it's a terrorist plot? Oh shit, you dropped the pizza! He's gonna incinerate you!
No. 1062834 ID: 3b86e0

Didn't esca...?

Oh, it's Ma'karena! Hi, Ma'karena, it's been so lo-!

No, wait, if she recognizes us she will sell us out as a jedi!
Let's take off the fake moustache and Tell her Poof is just the name of the pizzeria and you wear the moustache for publicity.
No. 1062965 ID: a7a180
File 168349879022.png - (17.96KB , 500x500 , sith_hits_the_fan.png )

>Is this a fancy way to get the pizza?
You don’t think she’s here to pick up the pizza.
>Nice whip!
It is! You kind of wish it wasn’t being waved in your face!

>Protest your identity
“Wait, wait! I’m not Poof! I’m not Poof!”
She raises a single eyebrow at your feminine voice. “Then who are you?”
Good question. You don’t really have a better name to put forward - just a flimsy assumed one, and a wanted ex-padawan’s… wait a tick. She said she tried escaping once. You know this woman.
Her eyes narrow. “You’re not Zena. How do you know that name?”
“You were one of the younglings, in the library. It’s me, Tala Karaay! Do you remember? I was there too!”
Your plea stirs something deep inside her, and she loses her composure. “...T-Tala? You- actually did escape?”

There’s something else about what she said that’s odd. They knew in advance, before today? You didn’t plan anything that far ahead.
>...Were we just used by assassins as a red herring?
Before either of you can process what’s been said, a familiar farghul sucker punches Zena. “Hi-yah!”
No. 1062966 ID: a7a180
File 168349879455.png - (18.65KB , 500x500 , wild_weasel.png )

The troopers shout in alarm before he knocks them all down with just a sweep of his arm. You get a good look as he bounces on his heels, ready to fistfight a dozen goons at once. This has to be the same guy you served a kids' meal to. Why is he attacking a fellow officer? He's Force user, too?

Another figure runs up and pulls you to your feet. She lifts her hood to reveal a scarred but chipper face. “Hiya. you’re the pizza guy, aren’t you? Good, we need to leave. You’re parked on the west side, right?” Her voice sounds gravelly, just like Palpatine's.
“...What? How do you know that?”
“Oh, we faked a call for pizza from the Emperor so we’d have an escape route. You’re our getaway vehicle!” A large boom echoes through the halls of the palace. “Did I mention we need to leave now?”

...You have no idea what's going on.
No. 1062967 ID: e5709d

Hallucination Nation
Just roll with it. And take Zena with you, she knows your identities!
No. 1062969 ID: be2ac4

Leave now? Sounds great! :)
No. 1062970 ID: e51896

Ask "what about Zena?"

i know we'll have to leave her behind as she joined the dark side, but it's in character to show concern for her.
No. 1062971 ID: 8f9bc4

Oh god Puff's speeder is a piece of junk it's gonna overheat and you'll all get incinerated not by Puff's speeder, but by the Emperor himself!

Make a hasty but careful getaway, and be sure not to accelerate upwards too quickly.
No. 1062975 ID: 273c18

Tell them there might be trouble, you were at a checkpoint and told them about the delivery, so they called ahead...
Also ask them to capture the whip user if possible. You think she can be redeemed.
No. 1062984 ID: bc24cb

We kinda have to kidnap Zena now that she knows your identity. Ooops! Haha, silly mistakes.
No. 1063027 ID: 85b96f

oh man you guys suck. Thanks for not leaving your innocent pizza dupe to high fry on the zero-chill imperial grill but seriously fuck you and the other cat you rode in on. But apparently that's also too much credit since you're relying on the fast food delivery drone for the getaway ride like WHAT the FUCK you're the worst terrorists.
No. 1063036 ID: 85b96f

Also your big bro gave that Zena chick a haymaker right in her sith tit, we were having a (threatening) conversation and you know that's really messed up to just do randomly to someone. That shit hurts dude and what if she's got like a pulmonary contusion or something now? Was he posing as an MP cop or something because it looks like he got way too into fucking character IMPERIAL BRUTALITY. Furthermore,,,
No. 1063217 ID: a7a180
File 168368015507.png - (16.32KB , 500x500 , think_shell_hold_a_grudge.png )

“Thanks for saving me, but this was a terrible plan!“
“It’s brilliant! Nobody saw it coming, not even you, which kept our real plan a surprise. Craig came up with it!”
“Oh, Crea’aa- Crag- um-” Her attempt to pronounce an exotic alien name ends in her hacking and coughing. “We just call him Craig. I’m Chiva, and that’s Mika! Don’t worry, he’s on our side now.” While you were talking, Mika’s punched all of the stormtroopers into one big heap. He dusts his hands off before giving you two a thumbs up.
“Well, I told their security I was coming, because I thought this was a legitimate delivery, so we might be in trouble.”
Chiva gives a hoarse laugh. “I’ll say. What do you call this?”
“The second worst day of my life!”

Oh, you almost forgot. Zena! “What about her? We should take her with us because, um, she knows our identities now.” You turn around to carry Zena, but she’s already getting up, and boiling with rage.
Her words are like a stab to your chest. “You… cheaters! Deserters! I’ll finish what the emperor started!”
No. 1063218 ID: a7a180
File 168368017262.png - (17.05KB , 500x500 , bad_news_everyone.png )

“The west side exit is this way. Go!” shouts Chiva.
You beat feet out of there. In the hall you run into a serpentine Sluissi waiting expectantly. Chiva makes brief introductions.
“That’s Craig. Craig, meet…”
“T- Jynn.” You’re not comfortable using your real name around strangers…
“Welcome aboard, Jynn.” She turns back to Craig. “So, did it work?”
He nods and holds up a datapad. [It worked! The Telescopic Force Array is no more. I’ve suppressed the alarms temporarily, that should buy us some time.] A siren starts blaring loudly. He looks up and shrugs.
Security starts pouring into the empty halls as you run for your lives. You find your route cut off by more stormtrooper reinforcements. How do you get by?

>Fight through
>Find another route
>Call on the Force
No. 1063220 ID: 273c18

>Call on the Force
We're among Jedis. This is the MOST APPROPRIATE time to do it.
No. 1063221 ID: be2ac4

Lets call on the force, surely we aren't too worried about the inquisitor by this point I don't think
No. 1063278 ID: bc24cb

Don't worry about not using your true name.
They probably aren't either. They still think you're just a pizza delivery girl!
No. 1063283 ID: 8f9bc4

By Call on the Force do you mean like a Force Push, or do you mean that thing that makes all stormtroopers really bad shots? The latter might be really useful about now!
No. 1063309 ID: 85b96f

are we really though? For real really? we're really calling these clowns jedi for real? Because they can totally handle more stormtroopers if they're for real really jedi. and if not, we should still have jynn keep Force usage in her back pocket and just look for a different route, keep things as low-key as possible unless there's no other choice. Zena will sound like a concussed lunatic if she insists to her superiors that the useless pizzagirl strongarmed by the terrorists (who zena failed to find, and prevent from doing Whatever They Did) for a getaway in an incredibly shitty pizza speeder was actually a long-lost jedi survivor from her padawan cohort. or maybe not. But still, jynn could possibly maybe might conceivably get away from this with very little heat besides a humiliated sith schoolmate who goes down a bit too easy to a sucker punch.
No. 1063337 ID: e5709d

You need to warn Mr. Poof. They will investigate him after this, and they'll do it soon. Text him now; they'll be listening but they can't react fast enough to stop a speeding Quermian:
"I'm sorry. The Resistance made a fake delivery as a distraction. The Inquisitor got angry and accused us of being Jedi. Run."
No. 1063512 ID: a7a180
File 168385115191.png - (18.90KB , 500x500 , villainous_voyeur.png )

>You’re among J-
>are we really calling these clowns Jedi?
Well, Chiva’s got the signature braid of a padawan. The fact she’s still wearing it is either a bold statement or a remarkable oversight. Mika doesn’t dress the part, but he certainly fights like one. If they can use the Force and they’re being hunted by the Empire, you figure they’ve got as much claim to the title as you do.
>Anyway, use the Force
You take a breath and try to focus. You wish you were literally anywhere else right now - and the Force obliges. You find yourself looking at your reflection, several meters down the hall. She’s just as confused as you are. You look down at your hands and find it difficult to focus on them, your attention being drawn to the floor or walls instead. The others are mirrored in similar fashion, just in time for the reinforcements to arrive. Their squad leader points menacingly down the hall.
“There they are! After them!“
The stormtroopers run right past you like you don’t even exist. Good, let them keep thinking that. You motion for everybody to stay quiet and follow you. The doppelgangers mirror your sprint but run in the opposite direction, and the troopers give chase. You’ve got almost a straight shot to the exit.
Alas, just a few doors down from freedom, another squad of Coruscant’s finest comes marching past, and you flatten against the wall to let them pass. There’s quite a lot of them. They must have rallied every soldier in the garrison to the palace. …Really, this just seems excessive for four intruders. You’re starting to get nervous that one of these guys will march right into you. You decide to duck through a door to avoid catching a stray gunbarrel to the face. As the first one in, you scan the room and freeze. You are in a dimly lit, carpeted room. You see a coffee table, a stack of old pizza boxes, and an old man half asleep in front of a holovision drama.

“Hmm… *snore*…”
You’ve said enough, Lance! You killed my husband!
No, Janice - I AM your husband!
W-what? …That’s not true! That’s impossible!
Search your heart, you know it to be true!
…Oh, Lance!
Oh, Janice…

Oh, blitznak.
The Emperor is right there. Really real, for real this time.
“…Hm? Wuzzat?”
-Oh, did you swear that out loud? Oops. Whatever power is keeping you hidden, you desperately will it to work harder.
“Mm… what’s all that noise? Did that damn senator’s kid pull the fire alarm again? Little brat. She always does this during my shows!
Hold on, is someone there? I sense a disturbance in the Force… Is that you, Vader? No, I’d hear him chugging along like a choo-choo train. It’s polite to knock first, you know.”

>get the hell out of there
>get the frell out of there
>get the phanx out of there
No. 1063515 ID: e5709d

...His reflexes will prevent you from using a traditional lightsaber backstab.
Calmly and gently feed the pizza leftovers into his face. Talk about how you made imitation Mon Calamari from the ground remains of live Bothans.
Lightly jostle his chest cavity so it feeds into his lungs.
Continue doing this and make the most powerful tyrant in the galaxy die suffocating on a pizza.
No. 1063517 ID: 273c18

"Sorry, wrong door."
>get the phanx out of there
No. 1063518 ID: 708905

>get the frell out of there
No. 1063618 ID: 8f9bc4

Hell is too derivative. I'm thinking phanx, but frell has a nice ring to it. Yes, frell. Definitely go with frell.
No. 1063647 ID: 3b86e0

This old coot is the source of all your woes. You can't just leave unpunished.

Shiv him with your lightsaber, break his TV, steal pizza, tattle tale to Vader that he called him a choo choo train.
At least whisper in his ear that Star Trek is better.
No. 1063790 ID: a7a180
File 168409234641.png - (17.96KB , 500x500 , lap_2.png )

>Just get out of there!
You backpedal hard and bump into Mika behind you. He points behind you and shrugs, as if to ask what’s in there. You make a slicing motion and wave him away, as if to say they really shouldn’t go in there. He gives you a quizzical look that says ‘why not?’, until looking over your shoulder he spots the back of the emperor’s hood. Mika starts forward with his arms outstretched and it takes both you and Chiva to drag him away from the door. Mika breaks the silence, protesting, “Oh come on, he’s right there!”
“Exactly! Now run!”
People nearby are starting to wonder where your voices are coming from, so now you prioritise speed over stealth. You divert your willpower from cloaking to speeding you up, and you run. You run for your lives. You run past stormtroopers so fast that the nearest ones are bowled over, sending the snap shots of the men standing behind them wildly into the ceiling. The rebels in your jetstream start to lag behind, so you grab them each with an arm and drag them along Force knows how with you. You blow the doors off the exit and tumble to a stop next to Poof’s worn out speeder, tossing them aboard like pizzas and hopping into the driver’s seat. The engines roar like an angry rancor as you punch it out of there.
You shoot past the security booth and gun it into the oncoming lane of traffic once again. The sounds of sirens are keeping pace with you, even with so many breaking off pursuit or crashing there’s just too many of them. The speeder shakes like it’s going to fall apart. You pray for it to hold together for just one more light…
Your focus strays from the road for just a microsecond until Chiva yells to watch out. A tractored trailer is driving across the next intersection, and you’re barreling straight for it! The overworked, overloaded speeder is too heavy and going too fast to turn out of the way or slow down in time.

Only one choice left: How badass do you want this escape to be?
No. 1063792 ID: 1ed92d

Extra badass.
No. 1063795 ID: 6b0eab

So badass, that the author will have to pay the artist extra money to make it super badass

Or we can just make it regular extra badass
No. 1063797 ID: e5709d

No. 1063808 ID: e9415c

Yeah hi can i get a deluxe neatlover's badass with extra blockbuster and uhh add a pineapple topping. And uhhh does that come with free cheesesticks?
No. 1063814 ID: 8f9bc4


Pepperoni badass with extra cheese.
No. 1063834 ID: 64d61f

So badass you have no idea. They'll need a new word for how badass this escape is, something like evil-ass, because badass just won't -

Oh wait the speeder is going to blow up.
Badass escape on hold until we're pretty sure that won't happen or the badass rating is going to be absolute zero.
No. 1063915 ID: a7a180
File 168429007759.png - (17.71KB , 500x500 , not_a_happy_landing.png )

>Pepperoni badass with extra cheese
Given that down is the direction the speeder is currently most inclined to go, you jam the wheel forward and attempt to dive under the trailer.
“Everyone, duck!” You tuck your excessively long neck between your legs and pray the last thing you see is not the stains on the upholstery. Your stomach lurches from the negative gees as the speeder accelerates downward. Time decelerates as you blindly await judgment. There’s no way you’re poking your head up to check if you’ve passed the truck yet. How will you know that, come to think of it?
Your question is answered by a shriek of metal on metal and a sudden rush of air as the speeder clips the underside of the truck, tearing off your primary engine. With its decorative rocket fins no longer even pretending to offer stability, the craft veers wildly left and right. You wrestle with the controls to keep the nose up as you desperately look for a safe place to land.
Mika taps you on the shoulder. “Jynn, your hair’s on fire.”
What? You look behind you to see your ponytail has ignited off the flames shooting out the back of the speeder from damaged fuel lines.
“That’s really bad!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll put you out. Just keep driving.” Mika grabs your ponytail to extinguish it and your head is pulled back as you protest.
“Ack! Stop! Let go!” He lets go and your head nearly rebounds into the windshield. “The flames mean it’s about to explode! Do you understand? We’re gonna have to jump!”
“Okay. When?”
“Now!” You bail out over the side, and Chiva, Craig and Mika are quick to follow.
The speeder explodes in a fireball behind you as you freefall through Coruscant traffic. You brace for imminent impact, and hear a loud bang as you collide with something- soft.
Somehow, you’ve landed on a giant inflatable Zillo beast. The bang and subsequent hiss was the air escaping after your high-speed impact. You can hardly believe your luck.
“I… I made it?”
“We all made it!” Chiva says, popping up nearby. Craig too, gives a thumbs up from the maw of the beast. All except for Mika, who lands with a terrifying thud facedown on the plascrete. A torn banner for the Empire Day parade flutters down, which would explain the balloon.
You think he might actually be dead until he peels his face off the pavement. In a dazed voice, he announces, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, cats always… land on their feet.” He shakes the plascrete dust out of his hair and just walks it off like it was nothing.
After a quick pinch assures you you’re not dreaming, you slide down and disappear into the crowd assembled for the parade.
No. 1063916 ID: a7a180
File 168429008645.png - (14.42KB , 500x500 , come_fly_with_us.png )

You make your way on foot towards the spaceport where Chiva says they have a ship waiting.

“I have to say, Jynn, you got us out of a really tough situation. You went above and beyond what could be asked of any deliverywoman.”
“Oh, uh, thanks. I was just doing what I could to survive the life-threatening situation you put me in.”
“Right... Sorry about that, I did not foresee so many complications to the plan. Few people have faced down an inquisitor and lived to tell about it, let alone those falsely accused of being Jedi.”
“Ah, about that… she wasn’t quite as wrong as you think. I used to be a padawan, myself.”
Chiva’s ears perk up. “Oh, really? Perhaps it was destiny that we met. I formed this group of Force sensitives to fight the Empire in any way we could. We could really use another member, especially one with your driving skills.”
“...You mean, to be your getaway driver? And do all of this on a regular basis?”
“It’s usually much less hairy, I promise.”
Another offer of recruitment, so soon? You haven’t even quit your last job yet. Speaking of which. “...I’ll have to think about it. But first, I’ve got to make a call.” You ring up Mr. Poof one last time.

:poofworry: Oh, Jynn, it’s you. Everything went well, then?

“Well… not exactly. It was another prank call.”

:poofworry: Oh.

“…And Jynn may not, technically speaking, be my legal name, so I may have given them your ID at the door instead. Which got me chased out of there by a lot of stormtroopers, and an inquisition lady…”

:poofworry: Oh…

“And I might have gotten tangled up in a rebel plot when they saved me from said inquisition lady. And then, crashed your speeder in the getaway. Sorry.”

:poofworry: oh.

“So yeah, I know I’m probably fired.”

:poofworry: …I admit, I recognized you the moment you walked in the door. I’m just glad you’re safe. But yeah, I’d definitely have to fire you if I wasn’t closing my business and going into hiding, again, for a long, long time. Those rebels sound like they have your back. Good luck out there, kid.

“...Thank you, Master.”

You pocket the commlink and watch Chiva board her ship. Is that a Gthroc 720? How’d a bunch of fugitives afford a ship this nice? She stops halfway up the ramp and turns back to you.
“So, want to ditch this planet and come with us?”
No. 1063917 ID: a7a180
File 168429009487.png - (11.87KB , 500x500 , jynn-uine_smile.png )

“…Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.”
No. 1063918 ID: a7a180
File 168429010513.png - (123.72KB , 500x500 , employee_of_the_month.png )

Thank you for reading.
And thanks to Mika, Craig, Chiva, and the rest of the OK Gang’s players.
And Jukashi and Tippler too, while I’m at it.
No. 1063919 ID: a7a180
File 168429010944.png - (8.84KB , 400x225 , jynns_final_judgement.png )

PIZZAS: 12/13

No. 1063920 ID: be2ac4

No. 1063922 ID: 8f9bc4

Planet ditched! Planet ditched! We have a ditched planet repeat we have a ditched planet!!
No. 1063927 ID: 273c18

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