2/4 Frillsby 2020/08/30(Sun)08:25 No. 975315 ID: 5fc3a0
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"Gallsby?"
>"Yes?"
"Please answer my question."
>"But you didn't ask anything."

3/4 Frillsby 2020/08/30(Sun)08:25 No. 975316 ID: 5fc3a0
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"You know what my question is."
>"... You gotta ask me first."
"Why is your badg- "
>"Everyone acts weird around me with my badge on! They all act nice and cautious, hiding all their their illegal cocaine, stopping all crime... it's weird, it's bad, and I've had enough."
"It hasn't even been 8 hours since we woke up."
>"And I've already had 7 people throw up their hands at me and joke 'I didn't do it!' or only 6, I don't think Ceo was joking. Anyway I can't do it anymore, being a cop sucks actually."
"How did you even remove the letters from the badge?"
>"The paint just chipped right off."
"And now you have a badge that just has 'Dorb' written on it in sharpie, with a star next to it."
>"That's not all!"
"Please, then, elaborate what else is there."
>"A blank spot where we can write our own word with our own sharpie. We could be anything, Frillsby! We just have to write our dream down. We can even chip off the star and write whole sentences."

4/4 Frillsby 2020/08/30(Sun)08:25 No. 975317 ID: 5fc3a0
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"Writing something doesn't make it real."
>"We became real cops by putting on party city costume badges! If that made us cops - "
"No, no, we're not real cops."
>"What. What was all this for then?"
"I was on the phone with Baxter earlier to help him file a case against Vabrelius. I told him about our badges, about how we were real cops, and he dropped the biggest fact on me. Did you know that cops don't exist? Like, none. It's all fake, Gallsby. Cops aren't real."
>"What! But his badge! He has a badge, it's metal!"
"I know! I told him about that. He says that the realest fake cops smelt and forge their own badges. He was proud of it, Gallsby. Which is fair, it's a really good badge, but it's literally exactly as legit as a party costume."
>"All I'm hearing is that this changes nothing, I erased Police and now I'm going to write a title and it's not going to matter if it's fake anyway. We'll make it real. We're going to make dreams real."
"Let's do it. What's it going to be? Bouncer? Civil Servant?"
>"You really believe that I thought this through, huh?

The consistent themes in your adventures are dicks and the associated activities. Dicksucking Club?

Pro Skater, of course

Gallsby, we've been anti-magic social workers this entire time, solving magic and social problems throughout the city.

We're good social worker's Gallsby, the only bad guy we came across we had to like, actually take to a jail was... whenever ago. Jail's are fake though so... I don't know, maybe he's going to a therapist now? We should have asked Baxter on the phone.

Let's go solve some problems.

You guys roam around helping people, taking people's problems and fixing them, tackling people doing bad things and getting them to stop but also helping them. You are friends. Professional friends. Write PRO PALS on your badge. You are the PRO PALS squad, from the PRO PALS department. Anyone need a pal? They come to you. Who knows, perhaps you shall employ more PRO PALS in the future.

Wait, if police are fake, what about the Mayor? Is she a fake mayor?

You are now the Dorb OCPS.

Original Character Parn Studs

Oh dammit, you misspelled 'Porn'.

In your acronym.

Actually, since it's an acronym, you can make it into whatever you want. Orgy Crew Partner Solutions. Ogling Cheerleaders Prevention Squad. Overt Classy Pants Seekers.

... it doesn't have to be that acronym. But -a- acronym might be cool?

the one true answer is CFB for Casual Friendly Blowjobs Cool Funtime bro

Wait if the police are fake, what authority has anyone been operating under this entire time. I don't think I'm ready for the slippery reveal of how this is some anarchic post-apocalyptic world which would honestly explain a lot of things. I'm just here to see some ducks sucked.

>>975334
I'm very ready for an collectivist-anarchy society thank you very much.

I'm all for it, comrade Gallsby.

I really believe I ought to write 'dunce' on your badge, Gallsby. I'm exercising incredible police restraint by not doing it right now in fact.

>>975317

"The Law." Yes, with a period at the end.

Or, I dunno, if all you're doing is enforcing safety and protecting the hapless civilians of Dorb, where weird magic shit happens somewhat regularly, guess you're really just "Civil Protection."

Yup. You protect the civilians. Because you're Frillsby and Gallsby, appointed by Mayor.

Smash Club.

It has multiple meanings.

Alternatively, you could wright fuck the police on it. Dorb City FTP.

No wait. You're The Fuzz.

Okay after hearing the best suggestion so far and ever I'm going to second Smash Club

If cops don't exist, then... anyone can arrest anyone else, and bring them to prison? Then without anyone whose job it is to collect evidence on crimes (that's a thing cops do), it's just what, the accused's word against the accuser?

How about make your job title "Good Boy"

Can we fit "Boner Inspector" on that thing?

You are real police, because that's what you've been doing, semi-professionally. You've been policing the town, with the mostly-consent of the populace and the mayor. That makes you police.

>>975343
I'm going to have to vote for The Fuzz.

Yes, The Fuzz is good.

SLUTS.

I like the Fuzz.

Put F.U.Z.Z. on the badge, it stands for absolutely nothing.

1/3 Frillsby 2020/09/02(Wed)09:29 No. 975483 ID: 5fc3a0
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"Pro pals. Smash club."
>"Oh that's good. What about 'the fuzz'? Wait. F.U.Z.Z. It stands for Fuzz."
"There has to be a cooler acronym. Something like OCPS."
>"What's that stand for?"
"Uh... Overt Classy... Pants... Seekers."
>"Frillsby you've never sought out pants in your life!"
"Ogling Cheerleaders Prevention Squad."
>"Prevention?"
"Fine, we'll do something like Dorb City Smash Club."
>"OCPS stands for Dorb City Smash Club?"
"No! And what's the point of erasing Police if we replace it with police slang?"
>"We gotta have an acronym. We just gotta. They're cool and we can't show our faces around town if no one thinks we're cool."
"We can and I'm sure we will."

2/3 Frillsby 2020/09/02(Wed)09:29 No. 975484 ID: 5fc3a0
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I grab a sharpie out of the depths of our utility drawer and get working.

"There's no law stating we must be cool."
>"But there's a fake law for it."
"There isn't."
>"I just made it up."
"Smash Club. CFB Division."
>"Ohh okay I can get behind that. And I will because it's a badge. Now it's time for the real questions, if we're real fake cops, who's authority are we under? I mean, if it gets out that all cops are fake, anyone could arrest anyone! Can you imagine if we were chasing Vabrelius and we were all 'you're under arrest!' but then he slapped us with a 'no you are'. What would we do? We'd be in jail that's what."
"We've got the authority because Mayor told us we could."
>"Well who made her mayor? What if I wanted to be Mayor? Or CEO! Who's stopping me?!"
"Civil responsibility, for starters. Uh... your impeccable sense of morality and respect? You know what, that's a good question. I'm going to ask Mayor some questions about these existential revelations."

3/3 Frillsby 2020/09/02(Wed)09:30 No. 975485 ID: 5fc3a0
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I call the mayor's mansion, if just so she can extend her authority to the newfound Smash Club.

ring
ring

>"Get it Frillsby?" asks Gallsby. "I'm getting behind the badge." ring "Because badges go in the front." ring "And I'm behind it." ring "So I'm getting " ring "behind the" ring "badge."
"Gallsby I'm on the phone right now." ring
>"No, the phone's on you."

ring
ring

I don't think the Mayor is picking up. She must be back on her 23/7 sleep cycle.

go inside her mansion then call her again

Don't you live in a post apocolyptic crazy land?

Anyways go check with the mayor. She probably got voted in or something and thus is a proper official maybe.

As for you two you are as official as you are going to get. Wear your totally real badges with pride. You can get some fancier ones made later if you want.

Point out that Mayor is probably Mayor because literally no one else wants the job after the War destroyed all forms of centralized governance.

Hmm or maybe it's that anyone can arrest anyone but you still need evidence for any chance of conviction, and there's procedures for collecting evidence so not everyone can be *effective* at law enforcement.

May as well pay the Mayor a visit.

>>975485
Zoom out the camera, reveal the metaphorical badge he's talking about is someone with a Zoro mask and we had this conversation in the middle of a shirts and/or masks only, month early Halloween party.

The mayor is the mayor by default and by postapocalyptic meritocratic evaluation. If she's doing the job and she's literally named Mayor and she lives in the mayor's house you're going to have a hard time convincing anyone she isn't the mayor. So she's mayor by general consensus and by the fact that nobody can be any amount of assed to try to change the situation, which is significant because you really do need a lot of ass to change things.

Or maybe she's been mayornapped!!

She's not picking up, which means she's either sleeping or kidnapped. One of these is a problem; you two'd better head over there. Good opportunity to show off your "new" badges.

There's one last way to solve an existential crisis.

Get donuts.

>>975508
>you really do need a lot of ass to change things.
You're right! We need to find someone with a really big fat ass to make some changes around here! Let's start looking for that person!

Better check to make sure the mayor hasn't been mayor napped!

1/3 Frillsby 2020/09/18(Fri)14:10 No. 976623 ID: 5fc3a0
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"The phone on me isn't getting picked up. Mayor might be asleep."

"Or she's been mayornapped."
>"So either she's asleep or she's napping?"
"Napping while captured!"
>"Hold on a second do you think people are kidnapped every time they break line of sight with you?"
"It's a real problem, and it doesn't help that I might be right. Let's go."

We drive to Mayor's mansion.

2/3 Frillsby 2020/09/18(Fri)14:11 No. 976624 ID: 5fc3a0
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"Alright, let me try calling again."

ring
> ring

"Oh it's the town hall's phone I've been calling." I say to myself since Gallsby's wandering down the hall.

ring
> ring

"I thought I was calling her cell phone. Oops."

ring
> ring

>"Oops!"

ring
> ring

>"Hey Mayor's door is wide open over here!"

3/3 Frillsby 2020/09/18(Fri)14:12 No. 976625 ID: 5fc3a0
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>"I can't believe mayor's ascended beyond her bed."
"I can, because if she didn't, she'd be here."
>"So you were calling the desk? I can't believe she doesn't have a cell phone."
"She has one. It's right there, on the bed."
>
>
>
>"... yeah so she clearly doesn't have it!"

Unplugged the alarm clock, too. Either Mayor started sleepwalking to avoid alarms or Ceo or someone who knows her equally well dragged her off somewhere. It's probably fine, wacky hijinks being conducted with no thought regarding legality.

It won't hurt to investigate a little bit more.

>>976625
Look out the window.

Maybe she's just wandered a bit in her sleep, or retreated to somewhere extra-secure against being woken up. Look under the bed and in the closet and things like that.

Were those hanging stars always there? That sounds to me like something Ceo would have done while Mayor was asleep as a joke. The fact that there are things on the bed is strange, though. Why unplug the clock AND move it onto the bed? Hm. And the door was wide open, you say? But if she'd left she'd have locked the place up. Very strange! This could be a crime scene after all! Time to hunt for clues.

With delicacy. This is a lady's boudoir, you know.

She could just be in the shower.

>>976628
And under the bed, let's be fair.

Check the window for signs of a break-in, in defiance of the obvious fact that anyone could have walked in the front door.

>>976625
Check under the bed, and search the graveyard next.

Check the grave yard to make sure she wasn't ghostnapped.

1/2 Frillsby 2020/10/17(Sat)18:32 No. 978799 ID: 5fc3a0
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"If there was a mayornapping here, it was done clean and without a fight. No broken anything, no glow in the dark space objects yanked off the ceiling, pretty sure all these were here when we were last in Mayor's room. She did leave her room wide open, and that doesn't seem right."
>"She could've just forgot. I forget things all the time and I'm not as tired as she is."
"Yeah true but let's walk around the house a bit and see what we can find."

Not under her bed, in the shower, all windows are shut, no signs of activity in any rooms on the first or second floor at a quick peek inside each. It looks like Ceo might've moved in here, but she's not here now.

2/2 Frillsby 2020/10/17(Sat)18:33 No. 978800 ID: 5fc3a0
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I finish by looking over the graveyard.

>"Hey Frillsby, is the mayor out there?"
"Nope."
>"Good!"
"'Good?'"
>"Good that she's not buried in the graveyard!"
"No one said anything about being buried."
>"Good! Yeah! Hold on what're you standing in front of?"
"You mean... grass?"
>"The flat grass!"
"What the hell are y - oh footprints I see. They're too big to be Mayor's. I think? Maybe? Wait, Gallsby, how big were Mayor's feet?"
>"How would I know why're you asking me that?!"
"You might know I don't know!"
>"What a wild thing to ask!"

>>978800
next priority discover mystery eye thief who victimized the good ol falcine radium Gallsb

or call Ceo to ask about Mayor feet

>>978801
wait fuck Gallsby looks weird and he doesn't know things you'd reasonably expect anyone to know this is a shrek you've been attacked by a shrek again quick ask him how big villi's dick is

Are those footprints going out into the graveyard, or in towards some external basement door or something?... Is there a basement? Did you look in it? Is there a room up behind the clock, or an attic?

Those are odd shaped footprints. Like someone walked sideways towards/away from the house?

Alright get Gallsby down here and you both follow the footprints.

I... actually don't remember about Mayor's feet. We can't rule out if these are hers or someone else's.

Once you've finished at Mayor's house it's probably worth following them regardless, who knows where they might lead?

The mayor's feet are pretty normal/smallish-sized: >>/questarch/904548

>>978800
Try contacting CEO, maybe she dragged Mayor into something or at least knows what's up

Probably best to call up CEO and ask if she knows what's up? Or let her know the Mayor's missing now.

1/2 Frillsby 2020/10/28(Wed)12:44 No. 979882 ID: 5fc3a0
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I look at the footprints but no latent tracking talent gets awakened in me. It's like a semi-circle. No, semi-circle. Hooves? Hooves if there were no split toe. Hooves with shoes. Or just big shoes in that shape. I could try calling Ceo to ask if Mayor had any giant hooved feet all this time and I never noticed, but I'll follow these tracks while I think of how I could possibly phrase that question to Ceo without imploding.

"Wait a minute, the Gallsby I know doesn't know anything, and here you spotted tracks outta nowhere. Are you another layered ogre? Prove you're the real Gallsby, and tell me how big Villi's dick is."
>"I dunno Frillsby because I'm the real Gallsby and apparently the real Gallsby doesn't know anything so how would I know his dick is this long?!"
"Whatever, get down here so we can follow these tracks. They look like they're going away from the graveyard."

Gallsby leaps off the balcony, and gracefully somersaults onto the ground like a clump of seaweed.

"Why have you done this."
>"It was faster. Here's Villi's dick."

He draws a dick on the ground with his claw. It's a crude representation, but I could believe that's about the right size.

2/2 Frillsby 2020/10/28(Wed)12:44 No. 979883 ID: 5fc3a0
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We follow the tracks beyond the trees, and I call Ceo on the way.

>"Leave a message!"
"Have you seen Mayor? If so call me back."

The tracks continue on for awhile before stopping at the edge of a back road. We look around, but they don't pick up on the other side.

"Well I'm stumped. What're you doing over there?"
>"Sniffing to detect lingering smells."
"What do you smell?"
>"Dirt."
"Oh. Then - oh, I just remembered. Mayor's feet. They're a little small, but still pretty normal."
>"Okay that's a really weird fact to know, Frillsby, I'm not sure I needed to know that!"
"Yet now you have to carry the weight of this pretty normal knowledge forever."

We either keep looking, or just wait for Ceo to respond.

Either search Mayor's house for secret places she could be hiding in or... the only thing I can think of that would entice Mayor would be those gas station energy drinks you guys found before. Go to the gas station and see if Mayor is craving that Intellifuck.

>>979883
So, I guess Mayor got taken into a vehicle. Check to see where this road goes. The car could have gone either direction, after all... but you may be able to tell by the tracks if the car was on this side of the road or not. If it was on this side then you can follow it as if it was driving on this side, so to your right.

It is almost halloween. Maybe the Mayor turns into a giant monster once a year.

Keep looking while waiting for CEO. Check for tracks and direction of said tracks. Then figure out where this road goes.

>>979891

Or maybe a more regular-sized person who just isn't tired all the time?

That'd be really spooky, honestly.

Let's keep searching around. We don't know how long it'll be before Ceo calls us back.

MMM Gallsby take your pants off, we'll do this nudist style.

Pants off! Pants off!

Let's get naaaaaaaaaaked~

pfft. another dead quest for the pile.

whatashame.jpg

I mean, thread 6 of a quest by one of our most prolific authors who has three or four current stories and is actively updating a different quest right now is hardly a doomed thread. Just not right now.

1/5 Frillsby 2021/02/19(Fri)13:39 No. 988532 ID: 5fc3a0
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>"So what if the mayor entered the vehicle, and wore big ol' boots to leave footprints like this?"
"These are weird boots. I can't imagine Mayor in boots like that. I'm trying and failing. Cannot be done."

2/5 Frillsby 2021/02/19(Fri)13:39 No. 988533 ID: 5fc3a0
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>"I wonder if her magic power is turning into a huge monster once a year?"
"And then she gets into a car and drives off to have huge monster adventures, Gallsby?"
>"Yeah! One too many energy drinks, and all her sleep power blows up into a huge rampage!"
"I'm not ruling it out, but I am putting it at the bottom of the idea list."

3/5 Frillsby 2021/02/19(Fri)13:39 No. 988534 ID: 5fc3a0
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"While we wait for Ceo to respond, let's get in the car and drive down this road and what the fuck?"
>"My claw was stuck! I had to get it out!"
"So pull on it!"
>"I did Frillsby did you think I just went straight to ripping up my pants?!"
"I do! I do, actually! Now we have to go pants shopping later and you know how that goes!"
>"Whatever I'll just wear the car!"
"What?"
"I'll put the car around my legs!"

4/5 Frillsby 2021/02/19(Fri)13:40 No. 988535 ID: 5fc3a0
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Technically, he does do that. We drive for about 10 minutes.

"Okay I don't think we're going to find anything at this rate. We'll stop at the gas station a head, maybe Mayor dropped by for an energy drinks. I don't know why she'd have gone this way, though."
"Maybe she sneaks in. I mean lately she's been way more active, right? And up until lately we never even saw her!"
>"That's true. I don't - hold on, I see something ahead. It looks like car trouble, I see some smoke just off the road."

5/5 Frillsby 2021/02/19(Fri)13:40 No. 988536 ID: 5fc3a0
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"Now that we're up close, that car does not look big enough f-"

>"SqRAkWkWkWkWkWkW!"

I don't know what unholy noise that was, but it causes me to take my foot off the brake.

>"Hey Frillsby you wanna revisit that huge monster idea I had?" says Gallsby.

I think they're having car issues, cops are supposed to help with that sorta stuff, right? Go help!

>>988536
Well, go see what's going on.
You know, it's possible that Mayor has a huge monster friend and they're just out for a drive. There was no sign of a struggle. Better approach without any assumptions.

But like, don't let your guard down either.

Is there somebody in that car, or at least what used to be somebody?

It appears that some poor citizen is having trouble with their vehicle. As police officers, it is your duty to make sure they're not in too much trouble.

>>988536
Car breakdowns can be stressful. Render assistance!
But yeah your Fight Karma is probably leaning towards another fight here.

>revisit monster idea
Not really, because then you’d have to cuff or hug that thing to affect it with anti-magic.

... you’re gonna have to try now, dammit.

Yeah go see if they need a tow or ride to town.

Got some tow cable? Poor guy looks like his car broke down.

>>988536
Let's go speak to the huge monster.

shun the carfucker for his carfucking ways

>>988894
Nay.
Cheer him on, and maybe lend a hand~
You know you both want too.

Is it really fucking it?

It certainly seems like it, but it could also be another visual trick to set us up for expecting lewd stuff when the actual events are normal.
We'll just have to go and have a look for ourselves.

1/3 Frillsby 2021/03/30(Tue)10:16 No. 993823 ID: 5fc3a0
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"If that's a huge monster because someone transformed into a huge monster, then it might mean I need to apply handcuffs. Or hug it. Either would work, both sound incredibly dangerous."
>"Danger is what the smash club is about!"
"We never agreed about that. Until now. Because it's true."

I pull us over.

>"Is it fucking the car?" Gallsby asks.
"What? No." I look at the guy again. "Still no. They're just looking under the hood now, see?"
>"Haha yeah just like yesterday when I 'checked' under your 'hood'."

>"And by hood I mean pants. And by checked mean I sucked yo-"
"Yes Gallsby I get it thank you. Also, he's wearing pants."

We get out of the car. Flashbacks of horror cliches come at me in the form of being unable to start a car while getting chased down by a big monster not unlike that guy over there, so I leave it running.

I thought he was like 10 feet tall but he gains a couple feet by standing up.

"Hi, there." I call out. "Do you need some help?"

3/3 Frillsby 2021/03/30(Tue)10:17 No. 993825 ID: 5fc3a0
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"SKRAGHTINGALOSHAPINQUAZZLAOGUKHGA!"

".... What?"

"KZZKZHAGOHZ!"

>"I think he's trying to summon a few eldritch horrors all at once." says Gallsby.
"The garbled screeches almost sound familiar. Like I've heard them before."
>"Where could you have possible heard such a noise, tell me."
"Maybe I heard a bird screeching through a pipe made out of broken glass."

He's giving us a thumbs up.

Give him a thumbs up back and ask if he wants a blowjob via miming.

>>993823
Tear stains? They've been crying. Also, seem happy (?) to see a couple of friendly police officers.

>gives a thumb up
Good news, may actually be friendly.

Let's see... that car's one wheel is definitely busted, probably due to a sudden increase in weight? See if there's any terrified passengers/drivers inside. If not, look for signs of shredded or discarding clothing. If you can find them, you'd hazard the fellow here transformed, unintentionally, mid-drive and ducked out of their car and was, perhaps, lamenting their misfortune?

>sounds familiar
There was a 'GAL' in there, so maybe they know Gallsby somehow? The two of you know any 12-foot terrifying myth-beasts? Or people who could transform into ones?

Hm. Can they write? As good coppers at least one of you should have a pencil and a notepad. Though they'll probably have to be careful not to crush the pencil, but better SOME modus of communication two ways than strictly pantomimes.

Alternatively, see if you can't undo the transformation by touching and/or hugging them. Gallsby, you volunteer first.

Well he seems friendly enough, go over and take a look to see if anyone else is there. And also to see what happened to the car.

>>993823
It looks like the front axle is busted, so replacing the tire and messing around under the hood isn't going to fix it. This guy needs to be towed to an auto repair shop!

I don't think our car can tow his car, even if we do shrink him down to normal. We might need to talk him into carrying his car into town.

His tongue is to big for his mouth and he has troubles speaking obviously.

His car broke down and two nice dudes stopped to lend him a hand. That or he saw Gallsby and think you two are more monsters come along to help him wreck up more things.

Wander over and find out.

Did his screeching sound like the "ghost" at the Mayor's residence?

>>993825
Go up to them and say hello. Ask them to respond with nods or shakes of the head since you are having a hard time with their accent.

Anyone who's giving you a thumbs up cannot possibly be bad. Go over and see what's wrong.

>>993825
That's good enough for me. See if you can help with his car, if not you can give him a lift that probably won't end in double teaming a giant monster cock.

I think a thumbs up means we're in the clear to check out the car.

Woop yoop yoop yoop yoop yoop

RIP