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In memory of Flyin' Black Jackson
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File 136272461619.png - (18.19KB , 220x165 , dinglerquest.png )
498668 No. 498668 ID: b53faa

Your name is sam, and GOD DAMN do you hate your job.

You are forced to stand out here dressed as a cock seven days a week, eight hours a night, in the WORST NEIGHBORHOOD IN TOWN, and all for the abysmal pay rate of good ol' minimum wage.

You get mugged almost daily, called horrible homophobic slurs by the most despicable people, and generally just have a shitty time at work.

Especially when they make you DANCE.

Quite frankly, you've had it.

You were never the best at planning without the Voices, however, so you simply decided to go without the medication for a little bit.

So voices, what should we do?

let's see how far this gets this time...
Expand all images
>>
No. 498674 ID: b53faa

I actually have several story ideas for what will happen when this actually gets rolling because I am sick of my quests dying like this. Updates will be sporadic, but I will try to maintain a two-per-week schedule at minimum.
>>
No. 498675 ID: c92d04
File 136272708326.png - (1.43KB , 64x64 , 136272551687.png )
498675

OH HELL NO. This is far to undignified! I call upon the power of DIPLOMACY!

>*PREMIER_OF_DINGLELAND* has logged on!
>PREMIER_OF_DINGLELAND: Hai Gandhi!
>MAHATMA_FUCKA: What do you want?
>PREMIER_OF_DINGLELAND: http://tgchan.org/kusaba/draw/src/136168976262.png
>MAHATMA_FUCKA: FUCKER!

Aaaaaand that should be the end of that.
>>
No. 498684 ID: b53faa
File 136273317126.png - (191.25KB , 800x600 , dingles.png )
498684

>>498675
Go take a leap off the empire state building into a kiddie pool filled with rusty nails, ass-bucket.

I'm just gonna go head into the alleyway for a smoke, if nobody is gonna add anything USEFUL to this self-aggrandize/aggravating conversation of ours.
>>
No. 498685 ID: c31f72

If you rub the head of your costume, will it ejaculate?
>>
No. 498688 ID: 777c45

>>498685

Test this out on an elderly person.
>>
No. 498709 ID: d6ef5d

Well, realistically, if you hate your job you could just quit. Or, yanno, kill your employers and burn down their shop in a fit of vengeance / insurance fraud.
>>
No. 498710 ID: 2de44c

who is employing you to dress up as a giant cock

i have a hunch but i'm curious
>>
No. 498728 ID: b53faa

>>498675
no lie, I am legitimately confused as to what the flying hel this even meant.
>>
No. 498734 ID: 5d98c3

>>498728
Well, I was trying to antagonize Gandhi into wiping out all life on the continent. I was up for 27 hours straight, if you'll pardon the mild psychosis.

I dunno. Watch out for the blue tentacly one. He's pretty fucked up.
>>
No. 498907 ID: 78c6ea

Perhaps you should try mugging them back.
>>
No. 498985 ID: b53faa
File 136281120716.png - (42.04KB , 800x600 , page3.png )
498985

>>498685
No, but it does have some sort of high-tech cycling technology that makes it so that I am many MANY different kinds of meat rod every five minutes or so.
Have I mentioned I hate my job?
>>498709
Actually, the suit is not removable. They fused it around my body in what I still maintain is one of the biggest lapses in judgement I have ever made.

Oh, and you have no idea how much I want to do that. I want to burn them and make them HURT, but at the same time I have the physical abilities of an underweight nine year old.

>>498710
I am employed by a wholesale sex toy emporium. They mostly work online, but they have a few locations worldwide where chumps like me are forced into hard labor.
If you make a joke out of that, I swear to god I will bash you so hard against a wall you'll leak out my ears.

Ah, good LORD I needed this smoke.
>>
No. 498988 ID: d6ef5d

>costume fuzed to your body
>consumed by hate
Clearly you need to become a supervillian, then. Being fuzed into the dong-suit will be your tragic backstory.

And I mean, seriously, what jury would convict you for murdering the people who did that to you? You'd get off due to pity every time.
>>
No. 498989 ID: b53faa
File 136281303231.png - (43.36KB , 800x600 , page5.png )
498989

>>498988
I'm not a villian. I'm angry, incompetent, and highly neurotic, but I refuse to be a bad person.
Besides, the sex corporations have an extensive legal department, I wouldn't last five minutes in court against them.
>>
No. 498992 ID: b53faa

http://tgchan.org/kusaba/questdis/res/68705.html
>>
No. 499010 ID: b53faa
File 136282015595.png - (124.81KB , 800x600 , sam2.png )
499010

...I AM, however, going to find a way to take the assholes down. Five years of my life have been wasted by those assholes at this point! My god they don't even give me HEATH INSURANCE!

Alright, I need ideas! NOW, you goddamn life-ruining troublemakers!
>>
No. 499011 ID: 78c6ea

Did... your penis suit just turn into a dog dildo?
>>
No. 499014 ID: f2c20c

>>499010
There's someone else in this alley, to your left. Go check it out.
>>
No. 499016 ID: b53faa
File 136282195572.png - (103.42KB , 800x600 , sam3.png )
499016

>>499011
*sniff* I just hate my job so-*sniff*-so MUCH, ok?
>>
No. 499019 ID: b53faa
File 136282422207.png - (46.73KB , 800x600 , page6.png )
499019

>>499014
Wait, is that..?
Oh god dammit, it IS.
SANDRA.
Looks like she's passed out, probably roofied again.
Idiot girl.
What should I do with her, you guys?
>>
No. 499020 ID: f2c20c

>>499019
Who's this girl to you?

Nudge her awake. Hey, is that a frickin' SWORD in that dumpster? Pull it out, see what condition it's in. Also I think I spot some cigs.
>>
No. 499022 ID: bf54a8

do you care at all? if so then wake her up, she can't can't wake up then take her someplace safe.
>>
No. 499026 ID: c6319f

Get that sword out of the garbage.
>>
No. 499050 ID: d6ef5d

Help her?

Like you said, you're no villain after all. And you hate your job, so who cares if making sure she's alright eats into time you could be spent prancing around in a phallic costume?
>>
No. 499054 ID: 53688c

Grab the sword and the cigs, and then pick her up and carry her on your back.
>>
No. 499077 ID: 78c6ea

Help her out and by help I mean try to help her out but loom over her threateningly like a giant penis so she freaks out. Also there's no way she's roofied. She still has intact clothing on.
>>
No. 499129 ID: b53faa
File 136286474813.png - (29.89KB , 800x600 , garbedge.png )
499129

>>499026
>>499020
>>499054
I grab the sword. It is absolutely horribly made, the blade sticks out at a weird angle, and the pommel feels like it is made out of my high school jockstrap.
Still, it's sharp and awesome and it is a fircken SWORD, so hells to the yes am I keeping this.
I think I'll call it Garb-edge.

A quick search turns up no cigs, just an empty white juicebox.
A shame, you were running low.
>>
No. 499131 ID: b53faa
File 136286527896.png - (50.77KB , 800x600 , page7.png )
499131

>>499020
>>499022
>>499050
>>499077
Despite having pulled both my legs as far as I can get into this blasted suit, I am unable to reach her.
And as for how I know her, Sandra is an old friend of mine. My best friend, in fact.
She's impulsive, slovenly, and a bit on the loose side, but she's a good person deep down, as much as she hates to admit it.

So, seeing as I can't pick her up, what shoud I try next, geniuses?
>>
No. 499137 ID: bf54a8

touch here cheek and say "hey"
>>
No. 499139 ID: d6ef5d

Could you sort of pry her upright with the blunt sword, so then you could grab her with your arms and get her home?

>geniuses
Hey you're the idiot who voluntarily signed up to be fused forever inside a dildo.
>>
No. 499142 ID: f2c20c

>>499131
Bump her with your ballsack.
>>
No. 499152 ID: b53faa
File 136286942241.png - (65.83KB , 800x600 , idiots.png )
499152

>>499139
Oh THAT? -THAT- WOULD BE YOUR FAULT, ASSHOLE.
>>
No. 499155 ID: b53faa
File 136287002848.png - (43.30KB , 800x600 , page8.png )
499155

>>499142
Alright, that sounds doable, and so I do it.
>>
No. 499156 ID: f2c20c

>>499152
Well we don't remember it. Also if we're a part of your brain then you can't really shunt responsibility to us. It's still your brain that made the decision.

A corkscrew dildo? Do those even exist? Wake up the damn girl already.
>>
No. 499158 ID: b53faa
File 136287048923.png - (50.68KB , 800x600 , aaaaaaaaaaaaaah.png )
499158

->EEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!

Ow. Well, at least she's awake now. She doesn't look like she's gonna stop screaming anytime soon, though.
>>
No. 499159 ID: f2c20c

>>499158
Tell her to shut up, jeez. She's giving you a headache.
>>
No. 499175 ID: 78c6ea

She's looking a little green in the face. You should move out of the way before you get struck by projectile vomit.
>>
No. 499185 ID: b53faa

>>499175

tttthhat's an art error. I am just a tad colorblind, ahaha.
>>
No. 499698 ID: b53faa
File 136309615222.png - (70.82KB , 800x600 , samuelandtanya.png )
499698

>>499159
It takes a solid five minutes to get her to shut up, but finally she seems calm enough to talk. The moment she opens her mouth a wave of fumes sets my hair on end.

"Oh, 'z juss you sam! how-how ya been?"

-Don't give me that bullshit, Sandra. What have I told you about passing out in the alleyways around here?

"Shhh-shh sh shhh... shh. is- s'ok, Imma biggerl now!"

She is completely sloshed, isn't she.
God dammit, what the hell am I supposed to do with this idiot?
>>
No. 499703 ID: bf54a8

lead back to your house and dump her on the sofa.
>>
No. 499756 ID: d6ef5d

Maybe now that's she's conscious, can you offer her an arm, help her get up, and hold her up / walk her home? If she cooperates, your suit won't prevent you from being able to reach her, like before.
>>
No. 499768 ID: f2c20c

>>499698
Dude. What the hell is that to your right? Creepy graffiti? Or a fucking monster?
>>
No. 500679 ID: b53faa
File 136355825804.png - (50.75KB , 800x600 , grumblingrumbling.png )
500679

>>499768
It was just some graffiti. Horrific, mind-searingly TERRIBLE graffiti, but still just graffiti.
>>499756
>>499703
Yeah yeah, designated driver, yadda yadda. Augh, this fucking shit-faced dipshit is gonna be the end of me, I swear to god.

So, where should I take her?
My apartment is kinda far away, and I sorta don't want people in this part of town to see me walking around with an unconscious lush slumped over my silicon shoulders here.
I can probably make it there, but it would be a lot of trouble and would more than likely be a horrid experience.
Not that the ALTERNATIVE is any better, of course.
The ALTERNATIVE, of course, is to simply dump her ass into my shitty ass ford pinto and hope to god it doesn't explode when I try to start the fucker.
There's a REASON I only use that thing when I am late.
>>
No. 500682 ID: 78c6ea

>>500679

So dump her in the Pinto and lock the doors, and don't drive it? Nobody would bother trying to gank a terrible car like that so she should be safe.
>>
No. 500687 ID: 55d5a7

>>500682
Be sure to crack the windows.
>>
No. 501508 ID: b53faa
File 136385628083.png - (6.05KB , 268x281 , updort.png )
501508

>>500687
Yeah yeah, I know. I've done this more than-
>>500682
Oh fuck me sideways with a rusty godsdamned pitchfork-
WHY WOULD THEY STEAL MY SHITTY LEMON OF A CAR?!
AAAAAAAAUGH
Alright, voices. Time to shine. What do I do NOW?
I can either leave sleeping dickshit here andtry and track down my scrap heap of a car, try to carry her home.
If you guys have any better ideas feel free to pipe up because holy SHIT am I sick of this bullshit.
>>
No. 501533 ID: d6ef5d

Hmm. Abandon friend to look for piece of shit car, or help friend and leave piece of shit car to explode and kill the jackasses dumb enough to steal it?

This one is kind of obvious. Help your friend home, and let Darwinian selection take its course.

Is that a cassette tape in the street?
>>
No. 501602 ID: b7169d

Put her into nearest recycle bin/dumpster, either that or dump her at a nearby building.
>>
No. 501744 ID: 78c6ea

It lost a wheel as they drove away? Man.

Looks like there is some SWEET LOOT besides the wheel though. Pick up and inspect everything!
>>
No. 501754 ID: f2c20c

>>501508
That oil leak would lead us right to them. Question is what would you do if you found them?
>>
No. 501772 ID: b53faa
File 136398456135.png - (46.33KB , 800x600 , card.png )
501772

>>501533
No, it's a-
Oh godammit.
>>
No. 501781 ID: d6ef5d

Aggressive charity, huh?

Oh well, one less death trap in the world. Moving on.
>>
No. 501791 ID: b53faa
File 136398831802.png - (44.72KB , 800x600 , Untitled.png )
501791

>>501781
HARDLY. These douchenozzles are a well known ring of thieves. The only reason they actually GIVE TO ORPHANS is as a tax dodge.
Fucking bullshit, That's what it is.

>>
No. 501792 ID: 78c6ea
File 136398870362.jpg - (86.12KB , 466x452 , onewheeleddevice.jpg )
501792

you have one wheel left. You know what to do.
>>
No. 501793 ID: d6ef5d

>>501791
Still, who cares? The car who blow them up instead of putting you or your friends at risk. I count that as a win.

Plus, you can count getting rid of the as a charitable donation in your taxes. :V

Let's get drunkie home, already.
>>
No. 501794 ID: bf54a8

yeah you tax return is gonna look sweet.

anyway, drag her into the store you are working for?
>>
No. 512165 ID: b53faa
File 136933124833.png - (18.94KB , 800x600 , CRACK.png )
512165

"Oh who the dicking crackmother are you-
You are now UNCONSCIOUS! congrats on that, you incompetent shithorde.
>>
No. 512166 ID: b53faa
File 136933138580.png - (3.67KB , 800x600 , 2.png )
512166

Oh dear lord, what is that thing covering him?!
No idea sir! There is no way to get it off him that we have found! SIR!
I really wish you'd stop that already. Still, we can worek with this. Get him to the orientation chamber, we should be able to get him up to speed soon enough.
>>
No. 512167 ID: b53faa
File 136933154522.png - (80.56KB , 800x600 , the prodigal son returns.png )
512167

You successfully navigated your way back into conciousness! (Next time don't take three fucking months though, god damn.)
Oh good lord, where in the unceasingly shitty planet of fucktron nine have I wound up this time?
>>
No. 512170 ID: 19b3c3

Quickly, pound your dicksuit against the glass to break it and escape!

No, seriously, just get up and look around. What else is in this cell besides the viewport? Is Sandra here? Can you see anything through/in that monitor or window over on the wall?
>>
No. 512179 ID: f2c20c

Get up, look around. Is there a door?
>>
No. 512180 ID: 78c6ea

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO ORANGE
>>
No. 513666 ID: ea4b0b
File 137004305911.png - (91.84KB , 800x600 , update.png )
513666

You stand up, only for the room to go COMPLETELY batshit on you. The only stable feature of this shithole appears to be a tv screen set into midair.
>What do?
>>
No. 513667 ID: bf54a8

hit the button to find out wtf
>>
No. 513669 ID: ea4b0b
File 137004397053.png - (37.60KB , 800x600 , oh god whut.png )
513669

>>513667
you do so, and as the rather long message scrolls down the screen it starts to dawn on you that you need to get the shit out of here as fast as possible.
>>
No. 513671 ID: f2c20c

>>513669
Feel around the edges of the room to find a door. Failing that, think of something you've always wanted to do on television, and do it.
>>
No. 513673 ID: 19b3c3

Enough of this shit. Penis-headbutt the computer screen till it shatters and the room stops doing its holodeck bullshit.
>>
No. 513690 ID: ea4b0b
File 137005303318.png - (94.88KB , 800x600 , rolled.png )
513690

>>513673
>rolled the dice: 19
YOU COMPLETELY WRECK THAT SCREEN'S SHIT.
>>
No. 513696 ID: f2c20c

>>513690
Did you just change your suit into a fist?
>>
No. 513700 ID: bf54a8

okay now walk around carefully, figure out what the fuck is going on.
>>
No. 513702 ID: 19b3c3

Unless your suit shifted for fisting, it looks as if you opted to punch glass rather than smash it with your dick. I must say, were are disappointed with you.

So... did that wreck the holodeck? Or is there a hole where the screen was you can escape through? Or if not, can you keep pulling wires out of the wall until everything breaks?
>>
No. 513704 ID: ea4b0b
File 137005732967.png - (1.09MB , 1632x1224 , Clenched_human_fist.png )
513704

>>513696
>>513702
Ace sleuthing there, sherlock.

And the room seems to be completely and utterly featureless. As far as I can tell I am sitting in a giant vertical tube with the world's ugliest wallpaper.
>>
No. 513705 ID: f2c20c

>>513704
I thought you said you couldn't do that.

Well, nowhere to go but up. See if you can form some claws or some shit like that with your suit to scale the wall.
>>
No. 513706 ID: 19b3c3

Hey, it shifted based off what you wanted to do! It responded! That's progress.

So make like a rocket-ship sex toy and rocket on out of here.
>>
No. 513707 ID: ea4b0b
File 137006010716.png - (71.05KB , 800x600 , animu.png )
513707

wait.
Wait hang on, that isnt in the toy lineup-
OHMYGOD
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD IT HAPPENED!!!
>>
No. 513712 ID: 12c19f

>>513707
YOU'VE CHEATED THE SYSTEM.

THE SUIT IS JAILBROKE.

Now you need to decide on a consistent design that isn't the latest model of horsecock.
>>
No. 520298 ID: ea4b0b
File 137255557490.png - (27.59KB , 800x600 , shit I suck.png )
520298

>>513712
((OK y'all, it has been almost an entir month since my last updat and I still cannot think up a good design for a standard thing. So, in a stroke of both brilliance and utter laziness, I am leaving the design up to you! Now, there are a FEW LIMITATIONS to what is possible with the suit, such as the fact shrinking its siz makes the weight of the thing more dense. Sam is pretty ripped from living in this thing, but try to keep in mind he is only human. What that means is, if you guys try to form the mass of th thing into a backpack or something small like that he will be very easily unbalanced.
So, try to keep that in mind when designing it fo' my lazy-ass. Here is a base for him, to get y'all started. Once people have a decent design shaped up, I'll be able to continue the quest from there. Thanks in advance, yo.
If there are any questions, feel free to ask me.)
>>
No. 520300 ID: c23ab0

Also it changes back to a penis when you aren't paying attention.
>>
No. 520301 ID: ea4b0b

>>520300
Actually, this is going to BE the default mode.
So instead of a penis, it is going to be whatever.
>>
No. 520303 ID: c23ab0

>>520301

Oh fffffine.

Since you were a little kid you wanted to wear a magic suit that looks like a uh...

Like a hamster!
>>
No. 520307 ID: 19b3c3

An absurd muscle suit.
>>
No. 520343 ID: cf49fc

>>520301
Overlord Armor, like you promised to draw me but never did. You heretic.
>>
No. 520354 ID: ea4b0b

>>520343
???
I might have forgotten about this, mind refreshing me in my /draw/ thread?

>>
No. 521049 ID: ea4b0b

Hey guys, guess who dug up the dis thread for this shitstain of a quest? http://tgchan.org/kusaba/questdis/res/68705.html[/spoiler]
>>
No. 522799 ID: f5680f

I vote a megaman-style armor looking thing.
>>
No. 522928 ID: 91c1b3

Go with a normal suit of armor. Plate armor.
>>
No. 523241 ID: cd963f

Go for a Sam spade style Fedora and trenchcoat combo.
>>
No. 523243 ID: c31f72

I say we wear a pikachu costume.
>>
No. 523253 ID: 12c19f
File 137342240875.png - (14.79KB , 268x468 , Composite Armor Default.png )
523253

How about this for some armor.

I have no clue what to do for the color scheme or decals.

Yes it's totally a marriage between Robocop and Judge Dread. Who are you to judge.
>>
No. 523291 ID: beeca1

>>523253
I'm Judge Dredd without an 'a' and three 'd's. That's who I am.
>>
No. 523356 ID: 12c19f

>>523291
Not as far as my spellchecker is concerned.
Durr hurr.
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