RED ALERT.
John, some fag in a skirt is making moves on your squeeze. Blush.
Watch the sporran angle.
Joan: Mention your hatred for elves. John: Get jealous.
SPAM APOCALYPSE TANKS.
They kill elves and that's a plus. We need to find out what is their stance on the following 1) Dogs 2) Alcohol 3) Dancing.
DANCE DANCE LIKE YOU NEVER DANCED BEFORE ULTIMATE CRITICAL FAILURE
Wait, I forgot to ask. Are we ALLIES, SOVIETS, or YURI? If SOVIETS: RHINNO and APOCALYPSE spam. IF ALLIES: PRISM TANK and MIRAGE TANK spam. If YURI: GATLING TANKS FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
>>61632 You forgot something even more important: Which Red Alert? If 1 then use tesla tanks and chrono tanks, respectively.
>>61633 IT IS ALWAYS RA2 OR YURI'S REVENGE. PRAISE THE GI SPAM!
DONT SAY SOMETHING STUPID OMG THAT WOULD BE SO EMBARRESING. WHATEVER YOU DO DONT SCREW THIS UP, HE'S TOTALLY LOOKING AT YOU OH GOD SAY SOMETHING SAY ANYTHING. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.
>>61636 ...Fleedle deedle?
Make hat out of Elf Head!
FUCK, YOU HAVE THE BOX IN STORAGE SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE, MAYBE YOUR NEW CALCUTER, YOU MEAN LAPTOP CAN RUN IT, YOU TOTALLY SHOULD TRY IT WHEN YOU GET HOME BUT THIS IS A DIFFERENT RED ALERT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
>>61640 FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAsk him his name.
Your dorfen calcuter doesn't matter right now. DO SOME OF THE OTHER STUFF. Also be prepared to hold John back if she gets angry about the Scots.
>>61641 >DANCE >DANCE LIKE YOU NEVER DANCED BEFORE >ULTIMATE CRITICAL FAILURE Dances are the best way to introduce yourself. The Irish dig that stuff.
John: DEFEND YOUR PET! THAT OTHER ONE ISN'T NEUTERED! You don't want to deal with puppies do you?
This super handsome man is named Tom MacTavish. You also somehow manage to tell him your name after a couple of tries. "We're attacking a fort up there... I mean, if you don't have any plans tonight... Er, if you're interested..."
>>61652 JOHN! YOU NEED TO TAKE ACTION!
>>61652 Of course you have nothing going on join him I wonder if he is wearing anything underneath his kilt.
>>61654 Ask him why he's blushing. Blush harder.
>>61652 Call him "Soap."
Cross your arms under your breasts.
What's up there? Is those Elves? And You're a fine man...
>>61657 I agree with this. Make them bulge some more.
"It's actually a dwarf fortress, they call themselves 'Abanlorban', but there's a whole bunch of elfs with them." You are surprisingly comfortable with attacking the fort upon hearing that name, but you can't remember enough for a convenient flashback to explain why. It also makes the presence of elfs seem likely. But why? If only you could remember!
>>61671 Well maybe after you kill some elves you'll remember.
The only good Elf is a Dead Elf. Also Make sure John isn't getting in trouble because she's a silly dog
Elf killing = good. Check out what John's doing.
>>61671 It doesn't helpfully translate into 'Pansy Elf Fuckers' or 'Those who are tossed and like it' or DOUBLE HERETICS' or 'Light Drinkers' or anything?
gah, joan, your tits are delicious
You're quite sure "Abanlorban" translates to "The Constructive Standards". John is getting in trouble, if by "getting in trouble" you mean "snacking on elf eyes while being entertained by you". But nevermind that now, you need an answer for Tom!
We need to join in killing the Elves. Can he help us with being able to use WEPON?
Of course we'll go with him!
Scots are like tall dorfs, of course you should join em. Ask him if he can give you some basic instructions how to use the baby gun.
You already know how to use the gun... ...But maybe you should ask him anyway. Or will he think you're stupid? But there's still time until you reach the fort! What should you do?! Argh!
>>61722 Fuck that, let him teach you how to handle that big and broadsided Claymore, if you know what I mean.
>>61726 You lost me. Have him show you how to brace it correctly. Wiggle up against him, then thank him and show no overt affection for the rest of the trip. Guys love that kind of thing.
Don't go for the cute and stupid route. A man like that obviously values a strong, capable woman. Show him how strong and capable you are by exceeding his killcount and showing excessive skill with your gun.
Find if he can teach Silly Dog to use a Gun.
DANCE! Dance the dance of your people!
AWKWARD SILENCE AHOY. Well, it's pretty noisy with all the fighting up there, but still! Also, John doesn't want gun because it tastes bad.
TAKE. THE. SHOT.
>>61762 Tell him about your vikingdorf heritage. Be overly proud about it. Conveniently forget about HitlerDad though.
Say "Any tips on fighting these guys? You're so much more experienced with these foes..."
THEY'RE ELFS, ODINDAMNIT, KILLING THEM IS ALL THERE IS TO FIGHTING THEM. You brag about your mom's side of the family for a while. "Doesn't it bother you then that we're attacking a dwarf fortress?"
>>61790 Before you freak out, ask if it's an abandoned fortress that's been infested by elves.
>>61790 Joan, explain to him why it is comfortable using aforementioned convenient flashback! Perhaps his MAN-SKIRT will jog your memory.
>>61790 Not if it's soiled by even a single elf. And if there are dorfs allied with elfs, they are even worse than the the elfs themselves. Keep an eye on John, not sure if she really got over her dorf-trauma.
You're well within rifle range. Start taking single, aimed shots.
>>61790 "Would it bother you if you were attacking a sexy I mean human fortress?"
"NO DWARF BROTHER OF MINE CAVORTS WITH ELVES!"
Fuckin' elfs, man. The only good elf is an extra dead elf.
>>62061 Yes indeed, help them to clean out the fortress and then it's party-time.
You arrive up top at long last, but the party seems to be largely over for the day. Iain MacDonald finally gets Tom to carry his "own bloddy gon". There's a small camp and trenches forward near the entrance to the fortress, in case they try anything funny. The commander's bigger camp is to the right.
>>62084 Try to snipe some stragglers for fun, but if the party's really over you should go to the bigger camp. Find out what find of amenities they have. Silly Dog needs a bath and a good brushing, she must be dirty with all that elf blood.
THERE'S ONE RIGHT THERE.
>>62090 Dooooo it! Right between the eyes!
Wait where is episode 1 and 2
Hit or miss, the elf doesn't get up again.
>>62105 Just assume you killed it and brag about your kill. To the big camp you go. >>62102 http://tgchan.org/kusaba/quest/res/52977.html
Try to shoot the shaft of the halberd of the guy next to him.
You fail to hit the SHAFT.
Oh well. Ask if you can talk to the officers here. If not, might as well follow Tom to the enlisted ranks. Let's hope John will protect you from rapes.
Yeah stick with John until you're sure those dudes are really ok. Check out what they've got in their camp.
You enter the bigger camp and are directed to the officers' area.
Say "So what's all this, then?"
>>62201 Talk to the angry looking guy.
DONT GRAB HIS ASS OH GOD
>>62218 >>62240 WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>>62251 I'm talking about the angry looking officer walking towards you. Tell them you consider all elves an abomination and offer that you and your trusty war dog would like to help with the cleansing of the fortress. Ruffle Johns fur a bit to calm down.
>>62251 Say "So what's all this then?" All businesslike.
>>62251 Sorry, I meant DONT GRAB SKIRT GUYS ASS OH GOD
WE REQUIRE A HAT! Where can we find a HAT? Can we borrow his HAT? I mean we haven't had a hat in a LONG TIME
>>64007 This man speaks truth! We must find out where to obtain one of those awesome Scottish hats!
>>64020 We missed at least three hats so far. I mean we had two different variety of Elf for hat. And probably Pigeon for hat. We need to get back to the fundamentals people!
>>64026 I'd like a hat for John, and by hat I mean an Aarwing helmet.
>>64035 But her ears are kinda small...
>>64234 They make special helmets to help less endowed Sergals hiding their shame.
>>64691 Dude that's crossing the line!