Head straight for Horuz and his group, blocking any of Long-nose's shots with your shield. If you take out the leader in the most badass way possible, he may have no more reason to fight you and consider joining you.

Pick up a nearby dead or dying mook and use his body as a shield while you charge at the slingshot man and then proceed to slap his shit.

We're at 90% Bad-ass now, eh? Let's boost that by TARGE CHARGE towards Longnose! Deflect, or badassitude permitted, CATCH his projectiles in your fist! And then... when your fist is full of his shots... PUNCH HIS NOSE! BOOP! BOOP!!

If you can't risk using one of them as a weapon then you throw your shield at one of them and headbutt the other. Is it not obvious?

a slingshot is such a pussy-ass weapon. he probably has some pussy-ass trick bullets, otherwise you coulda just stood there and took the shots to be badass enough to get back to 100% badass rating.

...it occurs to me that maybe with trick bullets, you'll get to 110%.

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:03 No. 573166 ID: f93bc2
File 139926618385.png - (38.64KB , 600x600 , pg44.png )

Long Nose-Kun releases his slingshot at you, but you're prepared..

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:03 No. 573167 ID: f93bc2
File 139926619669.png - (21.45KB , 600x600 , pg45.png )

You reel back and prepare to PUNCH the bullet RIGHT BACK AT HIM.

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:03 No. 573168 ID: f93bc2
File 139926621554.png - (17.84KB , 600x600 , pg46.png )

>a slingshot is such a pussy-ass weapon. he probably has some pussy-ass trick bullets

You change the course of your punch quickly, narrowly missing Long Nose's Bullet.

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:03 No. 573169 ID: f93bc2
File 139926622801.png - (30.62KB , 600x600 , pg47.png )

It EXPLODES behind you, killing a guard. That was close. While your BADASS skill doesn't go up, your CLEVER GIRL skill increases to 5%!

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:04 No. 573170 ID: f93bc2
File 139926624157.png - (35.55KB , 600x600 , pg48.png )

As he prepares another shot, you CAPTAIN AMERICA your shield at him.

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:04 No. 573171 ID: f93bc2
File 139926625139.png - (12.52KB , 600x600 , pg49.png )

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE, MOTHERFUCKER!

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:04 No. 573172 ID: f93bc2
File 139926626355.png - (34.29KB , 600x600 , pg50.png )

Long Nose is down, but his SWEET THICK PHYSIQUE busted your sad wooden shield which was sadly, not made of VIBRANIUM.

Punk 2014/05/04(Sun)22:04 No. 573173 ID: f93bc2
File 139926627255.png - (18.49KB , 600x600 , pg51.png )

HORUZ has recovered, and glares at you, fists at the... He has no weapon? He only uses his bare hands?? SWEET JUMPING JESUS WHAT A BADASS. Your recent shield use put you at 95% BADASS. What do you do now?

>>573173
If you know one thing about badassery, it's badass to go against overwhelming odds.
CHARGE at Horuz! No shields just makes it more badass! Then fisticuffs/insert wrestlemania moves here!

>>573173
Engage in GLORIOUS FISTICUFFS with the man.

I thought I already answered this one: Headbutt.

>>573173
C'mon, man, don't you wanna try and fit a throat rip in here somewhere?

>>573180
Sweet Az, yes. You cannot let this challenge pass! Battle him in the most badass bout of hand-to-hand combat this part of the country has ever seen!

Rip off someone else's hands, and equip bare hands for bare handed fighting.

Punk 2014/05/05(Mon)07:29 No. 573206 ID: f93bc2
File 139930018761.png - (11.91KB , 600x600 , pg52.png )

You stare eachother down.. For a moment, the world seems to come to a stop around you. Any remaining guards begin to have an animalistic sense of dread and fear, and flee like so many hunted deer. The air is still. Somewhere, AZ is pleased.

Punk 2014/05/05(Mon)07:30 No. 573207 ID: f93bc2
File 139930020374.png - (24.26KB , 600x600 , pg53.png )

It begins in an instant, with punches so fast, a humming bird would get lost. Like two bucks, RELEASED WITH RAGE, you fight for what seems like ages, each punch a calculated but powerful strike that would cause death to a lesser man. You suddenly realize, with this sweet BADASS fight, your BADASS SKILL HAS RAISED TO 100% ONCE MORE. A LEVEL UNATTAINABLE BY MORTAL MEN. You pause momentarily as you find an opening in the assault, smirking as you drop down preparing your attack.

Punk 2014/05/05(Mon)07:30 No. 573208 ID: f93bc2
File 139930021746.png - (34.04KB , 600x600 , pg54.png )

TENACIOUS

Punk 2014/05/05(Mon)07:30 No. 573209 ID: f93bc2
File 139930022668.png - (9.74KB , 600x600 , pg55.png )

HEADBUTT OF WORLD SPLITTING

Punk 2014/05/05(Mon)07:30 No. 573210 ID: f93bc2
File 139930023884.png - (149.75KB , 600x600 , pg56.png )

Horuz, with a final, accepting cough of blood, flies through the fortress wall, and into the distance. Defeated.

Punk 2014/05/05(Mon)07:30 No. 573212 ID: f93bc2
File 139930025422.png - (38.92KB , 600x600 , pg57.png )

You stand amongst bodies, some unconsciousness, some dead. You are the victor. You have defeated the guards of the fortress. All that's left, is the top floor, and the owner of the fortress.. Your squire anxiously praises you from above. How do you approach the top floor?

You don't. Make the top floor approach you. Put your loyal squire a good distance out of the way, there's going to be a lot of shrapnel and this fight should be visible from a good distance.

Go down and destroy the foundations of the castle with a single roundhouse kick. Make it collapse.

>How do you approach the top floor?
Fist first.

Explode upwards.

Ask your squire what's upstairs and where, then punch your hands through the floor and push them down one by one

>>573218
We're trying to take the fort, not demolish it. We can do plenty of cool destructive things without making the entire place a ruin.

Tell your squire to get a running start up the castle's stairs so he can get there in time to watch the big fight. Then grab a bladed weapon from a fallen guard in each hand, and jump upwards through the floors in a spinning drill of badassery until you cut your way to the top floor.

>>573212
Don't forget the guy that fell through the floor. You should try to convince him to serve you.

Go downstairs and break the bad news to Lugo; he won't be getting paid. Offer him a share of the loot you'll get when you double up on the badass running this show and take him down.

>>573257
Hell yeah, everybody knows that two-part teams of BADASSES improves the badass rating multi-fold.
Just look at double dragon!

If we're here to take the fortress it wouldn't be right to destroy it in the process.
It is time for the mighty challenge:
"I dare you to come out and strike me!"

Punk 2014/05/11(Sun)15:42 No. 574014 ID: f93bc2
File 139984817439.png - (26.05KB , 600x600 , pg58.png )

You walk downstairs, finding Lugo on the floor bandaging his wounds. You inform him that his boss is history and that he won't be getting paid. He should join you. He seems very confused as he looks upon you and your squire, but shrugs and agrees.

Punk 2014/05/11(Sun)15:43 No. 574015 ID: f93bc2
File 139984819168.png - (33.21KB , 600x600 , pg59.png )

FUCKIN' SWEET ASS TWO BADASS TEAM FORMED! (and squire)

Punk 2014/05/11(Sun)15:43 No. 574016 ID: f93bc2
File 139984820767.png - (25.72KB , 600x600 , pg60.png )

Heading back upstairs, you ask your squire what lies up there. "The owner of the fortress lives there of course!" he answers, in a somewhat proud tone. Not very helpful. You decide to take a surprise approach to the boss, and instruct your men to grab your shoulders..
You can just make like a banana and...

Punk 2014/05/11(Sun)15:43 No. 574017 ID: f93bc2
File 139984821902.png - (46.42KB , 600x600 , pg61.png )

GO FUCK YOURSELF, FLOOR GRAAAAAHHGH!!!

Punk 2014/05/11(Sun)15:43 No. 574018 ID: f93bc2
File 139984823559.png - (71.46KB , 600x600 , pg62.png )

You stand in a.. pretty normal looking room. Around you stands a COMFY CHAMBER BED, a HOMELY CHAMBER DRESSER, and a MODEST DESK.. And nothing else. No mega-boss stands before you, ready to fight.. but.. this isn't right. All signs point to the boss being here... Can.. Can you find him?

Punk 2014/05/11(Sun)15:44 No. 574019 ID: f93bc2
File 139984824501.png - (67.82KB , 600x600 , pg63.png )

WHERE IS THE MEGA BOSS OF THE FORTRESS? CAN YOU SEE HIM?

Is the mega boss the bed? The dresser? Dora? Your squire? You?

...Oh that's clever. That's VERY clever.
There is no way to be badass while beating up a little girl.
If we run... we are cowards who ran from a little girl, which would be even worse.
Clearly, we simply need to talk her into leaving the fort, and then quickly patch the hole in the wall we made coming into here. PROBLEM SOLVED!

>>574022
Don't you see? This is obviously some BADASS RUSE! Show no mercy and attack or the three of you could be dead in an instant!

no no no, the TRUE route here is CLEARLY to ADOPT the final boss and raise them Spartan-style as your own.
See, this is allowed as badass due to the following:
-you chose the MERCIFUL route, making you a heroic badass. this would fit in line.
-You would become the MENTOR TYPE badass. While this will inevitably spell your doom, it will usually wait until old age and the forming of a dojo happens, and the fact you still choose this path knowing the outcome makes it even MORE badass.

Think about it too, all the adventures you could have training squire and this young child the ways of the true badass, then having them team up DOUBLE DRAGON STYLE.

>>574022
Dora is an immortal, reality-bending demon, not a little girl. Terminate with maximum prejudice.

Watch out for the hell-spawned gibbon that creature calls "Boots".

oh dear god. if you have any holy-elemental attacks, now would be the time to use it.

>>574019
"Dora no exploring."

you gotta say it three times!
"Dora no exploring!"

>>574274
>>574274
Dora, no exploring!

1/9 Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:52 No. 574973 ID: f93bc2
File 140046072578.png - (25.90KB , 600x600 , pg64.png )

Many thoughts race through your head as you catch a glimpse of the fabled DORA from the corner of your eye.. Although you'd never heard of her prior to this very moment she was probably super threatening. Your decision made, you rush the small child, ramming your knee squarely against her head with a sickening CRACK. She falls limp to the ground.

2/9 Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:52 No. 574974 ID: f93bc2
File 140046074909.png - (14.84KB , 600x600 , pg65.png )

"Holy shit, man! You fucking brained her!!" Lugo shouts in shock. "You fucking brained her, man! Oh my god!" In response, you proclaim that you'll do whatever it takes to take over the fortress.

3/9 Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:52 No. 574975 ID: f93bc2
File 140046076701.png - (20.12KB , 600x600 , pg66.png )

From behind you comes a voice "I guess she won't be exploring anymore..." You turn to find.. your squire?! Reaching into a drawer with a evil look on his face "Welcome to the owner of the fortress' chambers, sire. That is to say... MY CHAMBERS!"

Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:53 No. 574976 ID: f93bc2
File 140046079873.png - (8.39KB , 600x600 , pg67.png )

He tears something from within the drawer, giving you no time to act! "Now would you kindly...."

Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:53 No. 574977 ID: f93bc2
File 140046081583.png - (7.91KB , 600x600 , pg68.png )

"..Sign here please." Your squire holds a deed before you, the deed to the fortress. "You should've just mentioned that you wanted to take over the fortress, silly. I've been looking to secede from the kingdom for months! Just haven't found any takers for the fort!" Oh. You think to yourself, how underwhelming. You sign. Shake hands. And successfully take the fort. A legend finished. A job well done.

Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:53 No. 574978 ID: f93bc2
File 140046082878.png - (5.92KB , 600x600 , pg69.png )

The End.

Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:54 No. 574979 ID: f93bc2
File 140046084303.png - (108.40KB , 600x600 , pg70.png )

BUT NOT REALLY!!! A PISSED OFF voice THUNDERS from the distance, shaking the entire fortress! "WHAAAAAT!!!??? THAT'S SUCH A SHITTY ENDING!!!!"

Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:54 No. 574980 ID: f93bc2
File 140046085465.png - (39.13KB , 600x600 , pg71.png )

You rush to the window and look outside your heart dropping at the sight you behold.

Punk 2014/05/18(Sun)17:54 No. 574981 ID: f93bc2
File 140046087476.png - (141.89KB , 600x600 , pg72.png )

There, coming over the forest horizon is your god, AZ THE AEGIS SHREDDER riding upon his steed, MEGLAHORSE THE SUFFERER, it's massive hooves tearing craters in the ground below. "THAT ENDING ISN'T NEARLY BADASS ENOUGH!!! I WON'T ALLOW IT!!" The god of all BADASSES is coming your way. What do you do?

Accept your dread God's challenge. The avatar of badassitude will fight the god of all badasses for the very essence of badass itself.

Start by transforming your new fortress into a giant castle-mech so you are of appropriate size to fight.

>>574982
I cannot improve on this suggestion.

>>574981
He wants a more badass ending? I'm sure killing the god of all badasses would suffice. Seconding the Ultra Castle Battle-mech idea, don't forget to add lasers or flamethrowers.

Does this fort have a catapult?
The fort isn't a weapon, its the prize. Launch yourself over the walls and unhorse that God.

Alternatively, just keep him out in the sun. That fucker is pale, he'll get all crispy in no time.

Make sure the lasers and/or flamethrowers are crafted from the corpse of Dora duplicated endless times via sheer badassery. Get a dead-baby macross missile massacre up in this bitch.

Wait! What if this was the scribe's plan all along? To lure you here and just hand over the fort without a fight to force Az to appear? Maybe this is a plot to kill the god of badasses!

>>574982
This is pretty much the only reasonable course of action here.
Obviously we gotta start with a dramatic-tension rising staredown, like in those rad old westerns.

Punk 2014/05/23(Fri)17:29 No. 575544 ID: f93bc2
File 140089136254.png - (4.96KB , 600x600 , pg73.png )

There is only one solution. You have to battle your god. You instruct your loyal(?) scribe to take notes carefully. He abides.

Punk 2014/05/23(Fri)17:29 No. 575545 ID: f93bc2
File 140089138380.png - (91.31KB , 600x600 , pg74.png )

Using sheer force of will, you force your new fortress into a gigantic battle-mech in order to stand on equal ground as your god. You and your faithful men now pilot...

Punk 2014/05/23(Fri)17:30 No. 575546 ID: f93bc2
File 140089140863.png - (142.56KB , 600x600 , pg75.png )

THE MAJORIS BAD RIDAH

AZ appears very ready for battle, but MEGLAHORSE begins to sweat at the prospect of wicked mech fights. What a bitch. What will be your SICK ACTION FIGHT MOVES?

>>575546
Bitches have no place in this battle of the ages! UBER STONE ROCKET PUNCH the FUCK out of Meglahorse's bitchass head!

Follow this up with a shot from your PELVIC-THRUST ACTIVATED DICK CANNON

>>575560
also, favicon is up in the thread for review. enjoy, m8

You need a weapon to cross swords with your god.

Is there a nearby mountain we could rip one out of or something?

>>575571
You see that ground?
Punch it, sending shockwaves of badassitude towards Az. Then, pull out a badass sword, either gleaming steel or encrusted with jewels the size of heads, out from the ground. THAT'S RIGHT WE PULL A SWORD OUT OF THE VERY EARTH ITSELF!

I don't know, can we get away with literally pulling our dick out and cockslapping Az in the face with it? There is no higher expression of badassness than this move, but it's risky.

Punk 2014/10/29(Wed)22:34 No. 599810 ID: cf5f21
File 141464725116.png - (127.86KB , 600x600 , pg76.png )

BITCHES GET STITCHES!! UBER STONE..

Punk 2014/10/29(Wed)22:34 No. 599811 ID: cf5f21
File 141464726566.png - (19.28KB , 600x600 , pg77.png )

ROCKET PUNCHUUUUUUU!!!!

Punk 2014/10/29(Wed)22:34 No. 599812 ID: cf5f21
File 141464728627.png - (195.45KB , 600x600 , pg78.png )

MEGLAHORSE flies into the distance, crashing through trees as he grinds to a halt upon the earth. But wait, where is AZ?!

Punk 2014/10/29(Wed)22:35 No. 599813 ID: cf5f21
File 141464730047.png - (140.05KB , 600x600 , pg79.png )

A surprise attack!!

Punk 2014/10/29(Wed)22:35 No. 599814 ID: cf5f21
File 141464731883.png - (143.04KB , 600x600 , pg80.png )

NO CHANCE! PELVIC-THRUST ACTIVATED...

Punk 2014/10/29(Wed)22:35 No. 599815 ID: cf5f21
File 141464733003.png - (105.53KB , 600x600 , pg81.png )

DIIIIICK CANNONNNNN!!!!!!!

Punk 2014/10/29(Wed)22:35 No. 599817 ID: cf5f21
File 141464734484.png - (228.82KB , 600x600 , pg82.png )

He takes the brunt of your mighty attack, but doesn't fall. "AHAHAHAHAHA! PERFECT!" He comments in mad elation, preparing to charge you.

>>599817
Clearly you must catch his sword in both hands and begin a POWER STRUGGLE. Mash B to win and toss his sword away! Then mash B some more to throw punches faster than he can!

>>599820
You know what would be more badass? TANKING. As in, grabbing hold of that sword WITH YOUR BODY (as in letting Az stab you), catching Az flat-footed. Then go do the Cherno Alpha Beatdown, mixed with the Fist of North Star on Az' ass.

>>599836
I really can't suggest a more badass thing to do, so do this

>>599836
No, you must parry the sword with your FACE!

No, you must catch the sword with your teeth and EAT IT!!!

>>599820
Totally seconding this as our next move.

also WOOOOOOOOOO I LOVE THIS QUEST

Jump out of your mech, land in that guys skull, and hijack his brain so you can use him as zombie thrall.

Trip him over and laugh. Nothing is more badass than belittling another person.

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:27 No. 601541 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573403129.png - (195.83KB , 600x600 , pg83.png )

>Clearly you must catch his sword in both hands and begin a POWER STRUGGLE.

Yes! You quickly manuvuer and catch his sword in your BARE giant robot HANDS!!

>Mash B to win and toss his sword away!

YES! YOU WILL PROVE WHO THE MOST BADASS IS BY MASHING B AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! B-BUT... You don't seem to be winning!! The MAJORIS BAD RIDAH doesn't seem to be strong enough to compete against AZ'S button mashing skills!! He must have been amazing at that torture scene in MGS: Peace Walker! Fuck that sequence, man!!

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:27 No. 601542 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573404742.png - (13.86KB , 600x600 , pg84.png )

>You know what would be more badass? TANKING. As in, grabbing hold of that sword WITH YOUR BODY

You release your grip and the sword immediately stabs deeply into MAJORIS BAD RIDAH, AZ seems surprised.

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:27 No. 601543 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573406429.png - (13.55KB , 600x600 , pg85.png )

Your two lackies- er, friends look on you in shock.. They don't know..

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:28 No. 601544 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573408361.png - (3.19KB , 600x600 , pg86.png )

That this is what you were waiting for!

>Then mash B some more to throw punches faster than he can!

>Fist of North Star on Az' ass.

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:29 No. 601546 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573419682.png - (271.56KB , 600x600 , pg87.png )

AZ lies in a heap, bloody and beaten, he looks to you and speaks words you won't forget for the rest of your life.

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:30 No. 601547 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573420685.png - (6.35KB , 600x600 , pg88.png )

"F..F...FAGGET..! YOU WON'T.. GET AWAY WITH THIS... MY... MY DAD WORKS AT NINTENDO... F..FUCK YOU... I CAN GET YOU... BANNED FROM THE SERVER IF I WANT..."

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:30 No. 601548 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573421937.png - (15.53KB , 600x600 , pg89.png )

And with that, the glory and majesty of AZ THE AEGIS SHREDDER passes on from this existence. You proclaim that you've truly won your fort, in victory. To this, BLACK LOVE LUGO speaks up..

"But.. But the fort is..."

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:30 No. 601549 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573424009.png - (334.28KB , 600x600 , pg90.png )

Oh. Balls.

Punk 2014/11/11(Tue)11:30 No. 601550 ID: ac3f4f
File 141573424818.png - (7.46KB , 600x600 , pg91.png )

THE END.

>>601550
It's okay! YOU CAN REBUILD IT! Make it better, stronger... faster?

That was Sofa King good.