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In memory of Flyin' Black Jackson
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938221 No. 938221 ID: a9e081

In a world full of mediocre, to good, to possibly even great fantasy stories, there is a really bad one. And its arguably like... A reboot, which, while making it topical to today's climate, also makes it probably even worse than last time! This tale can only be known by its true name:


Starring some asshole named Thoremore Ruggy
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No. 938223 ID: a9e081
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You are Thoremore Ruggy, an unemployed elemental wizard! You sit in your quaint home, reading the daily news and spending some quality time with your pet cactus Clarice. Given your proclivity to be unemployed, you procured the paper for free. Ok, you stole it. But who wants to spend money? Ew, yuck, gross! And sure, you could also probably pay rent, but no one has evicted you yet!

You are struck by a brief and sudden feeling of dejavu. Either that, or you're genuinely stuck in some kind of time loop or other time related shenanigan. Its not an uncommon occurance! Given it seems impossible for you to prove in the moment, you read on! Seems that princess from that far away kingdom is still missing. Its been at least a few months if not more at this point! War is brewing. Same old same old! Luckily thats, as stated, far away. Luckily irrelevant to you. What is NOT irrelevant, is it seems the monsters have started to get a little ballsier in more recent days. Supposedly, some farmers and gaurds have seen monsters roaming out of the forest and near town. Ugh, people ALWAYS turn to wizards when trouble is brewing. You hope that doesn't directly impact you, a wizard.
The day is young, what shall you do?
No. 938226 ID: a251ca

What about magicing up ourself some of our favorite warm breakfast drink? Something to look over the paper and sip while we conemplate the start of our day?
No. 938228 ID: c914a9

Have mental breakdown over the fact we're unemployed and somehow still low enough on our self esteem to decline potential job opportunities, or maybe we're just lazy. Hell, who steals a newspaper? Sure, rent makes sense, but a NEWSPAPER? Seriously? Pshht.

After that, pick ourselves together. When was the last time we used our magic?
No. 938249 ID: a9e081
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"Damn it Clarice! We're poor!" You shout in a sudden fit of passion.

You've made one of the quintessential mistakes: letting the existential dread get to you! And as much as you love your cool and cute cactus friend, she can't grant you the funds you want or need! Only a, wretch, job can get you that.

You use your magic plenty, but its typically for really trivial things. Stuff like fire for heating up food or the bath, or ice for having a cold one with the boys [small]tm[/small}. "The boys" sort of being a hypothetical since you have no friends besides your cactus.

If you wanted to use your magic to scrounge up some cash that's doable. You may be a typical elemental wizard, but elemental wizards aren't typical people! Why, you're 1/a number greater than 1! That has to count for something? But what to do? Perhaps you could take advantage of that supposed monster problem. Or something else?
No. 938250 ID: b1b4f3

Go see how much it'd pay to kill some stupid monsters.
No. 938251 ID: 5b3320

You don't neeeed a job to get paid for doing things. Just do magic for people that pay you. That's different.

Take Clarice with you. Put her in your Held slot.
No. 938252 ID: a251ca

Id say we get some cash ruffin up some monsters with magic, im sure we can do that easy enough if we focus on small lazy jobs
No. 938257 ID: a9e081
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You put Clarice in your Held slot. You can hold one item burden free in your held slot! Perhaps more slots could be earned or bought somehow later...

Hmm, the main place to get bounties for monster hunting is the mayors office but the current mayor is like this almost HUMOROUSLY cruel and rude new woman who got elected a few months back ugh! She's kinda hot though. So there's that at least.

The city seems fairly quiet. Is it a holiday or something? The mayors office is in the big castle just slightly north of here (the living district) and town square is to the south. The mayors office is, again, probably the best place to sign a contract to be paid for monster hunting, though you live in quite a lively city, so there's no reason, hypothetically speaking, that another job might not exist.
No. 938258 ID: 0fae41

Great idea. Chase some suckers out of their house with some elementals and rob 'em blind. Their troubles will be blamed on the monster problem.
No. 938259 ID: 0fae41

What are you holding that cactus in? Your hands are free.
No. 938262 ID: c914a9

An elemental wizard? That's perfect! See, you don't even NEED to be slaying monsters! I mean, surely there are some jobs out there that would require someone who can create fire at will and freeze things in an instant, right? Imagine the possibilities!

... And after considering them, go and find a monster to slay anyways, because that makes for a much more self-fulfilling and mood-lifting experience than being some old civilian's personal lighter.

... Also, for the record, the cactus DOES count as one of The Boystm (even if she's a she). Crack open a cold one with Clarice either before you go or later on when you have the chance to. Come on.
No. 938263 ID: 094652

Notably ramble about automated heating systems taking all the wizard jobs.
No. 938268 ID: b1b4f3

Can't you get paid to sit around all day and cast lightning on batteries to charge them?
No. 938269 ID: 3d1dd5

Is wood an element? Are there buffs you can use on Clarice? She might make a good frontline tank.
No. 938270 ID: acdd32

Lets get evicted.
No. 938273 ID: a9e081
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Its in the held slot! I already told you that!
No. 938274 ID: a9e081
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You'll have to remember to have a drink with your boy who is a girl! But right, to the mayors office then.


You're not sure what batteries are, but if they were to exist you're sure they would peeve you and make you complain even more about how modern technology has made your skillset more and more irrelevant! Damn modern conveniences! You whine loudly on your way to the mayors office! Anyone can just buy a wand of fire these days! It makes you regret the hours of training and dreaming you had to become a wizard in the first place.


Hm, you've never considered using magic on Clarice, but that could certainly work! We'll store that in the brain space for later.

You find your way the the castle housing the mayor, and a guard stands watch near the switch to let the draw bridge down.
No. 938279 ID: 0fae41

You're a wizard, you can flip the switch from here right? That will speed the whole process right along.
No. 938280 ID: a251ca

tell the man why you are here, and ask to be let in, but in a condescending wizard way
No. 938320 ID: c914a9

Okay, so, I don't know how good we are at talking to people, buuut... I guess just ask the guard to let you in?
Does the mayor require you to make an appointment or something? Do wizards have a free pass to talk to her whenever?

If the guard doesn't let you in, offer to do him a favor. You ARE an elemental wizard. I don't know, offer to heat up his lunch or something.
No. 938397 ID: a9e081
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Wow! That guard is dead!
10/30 xp until next level! Also you're maybe a criminal????
No. 938398 ID: a9e081
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Well, no use crying over spilled... Blood. You enter the building and find a room with the door opened labeled "mayor". A woman stands at a large window in the back, presumably surveying the land just beyond the city walls. You've heard this woman is a real bitch but you've never had the "pleasure" of talking to her. Still, if your goal is to get a job she's the one to give it
No. 938402 ID: 3d1dd5

Admire the view.
No. 938407 ID: b1b4f3

Yo toots, you want somebody to kill those monsters or somefin?
No. 938422 ID: a9e081
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Its not bad at all! If only you weren't an ugly and socially inept wizard. Its times like these it gets really inconvenient.


"Hey, pay me to kill monsters!" You blurt out before you can even think of what you're doing.

With the deed done, all you can do is wait with baited breath for the woman to reply.

"I'm in the middle of something right now" She replies dismissively, not turning around.

While not the answer you were looking for, being able to continue your, ahem, appreciate gaze isn't too shabby a silver lining.
No. 938423 ID: 7058ac

Quickly wipe off the drool that's been dripping from your mouth as soon as she turns around. Don't want her to think you're a creeper on top of being lazy and inept.
No. 938424 ID: b1b4f3

Go see what she's looking at.
No. 938425 ID: 977456

Why is she hiding her face? Was she always a doppelganger and needs to fix her face? Or does she currently have a brain slug crawling up her nose and it doesn't want to be disturbed...
Best to cast a dryness spell over the area on principal. Brain slugs are always annoying conversationalists.
No. 938426 ID: 094652

Resist the urge to introduce Clarice to the business end of the Mayor. You're not that suicidal.

... Oh wait this is Terrible Quest, and you just manslaughtered a guard. Carry on.
No. 938431 ID: a251ca

gently lay our head upon this glorious rump like a soft pillow. its beautiful, and we should appreciate this
No. 938538 ID: 0fae41

You already killed one on the way in, you know. That guard was totally a mimic. We'll just add it to our bill.
No. 938626 ID: a9e081
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In your confused and transfixed state, you do the only thing you can think to do. This butt is enamoring, and you like your cactus a fair bit too. Why not combine them? Of course this is a logical fallacy, but you're not great under pressure.
No. 938628 ID: a9e081
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"YEEEOUCH!!!!" The mayor yelps in surprise and pain.

Within mere moments of your act of passion, you realize your mistake. And that mistake, is that you are an idiot. The mayor quickly turns to face you, enraged.

"What the FUCK do you think you're doing you absolutely sub species scum" She shouts at you, red in the face. "And what are you WEARING???"

"Um, actually, as a wizard I am legally required to wear these. As the mayor shouldn't you know that?"

Despite your idiocy, at the least you knew you were right about that. Seems kind of arbitrary to follow this one law but also murder and steal but when it comes to being a wizard you take this very seriously.

"Wait... You're that WIZARD! I keep trying to get you evicted but all the guards are afraid you'll kill them or something ridiculous!"

"Speaking of, the guard at the door was definitely a mimic but I took care of them for ya. I take payment in gold or free rent!" You say confidently.

"You killed the guard!? Oh god damn it. Listen, get out of my sight and get out of that apartment before I evict you and have you arrested for manslaughter! I have enough going on as is."The mayor replies, then pauses. "...Unless. Listen, you're in legal deep shit, but i'm willing to 'overlook it' if you do me a favor"
No. 938629 ID: f6b59d

Unbeknownst to the mayor, you have cursed Clarice's spines with a spell of enlargement. Something might happen to the mayor while she's talking to you.
No. 938630 ID: 0fae41

Well I would, but your butt is covered in cactus needles now. Perhaps we can arrange an... alternate form of payment? Like monster killing?
No. 938631 ID: b1b4f3

Does the favor involve getting paid?
No. 938632 ID: a251ca

Continued free rent feels like a fantastic Idea, and we are already in dubious legal territory (not that anyone can....prove the guard wasnt a mimic) so I think we should hear her out
No. 938633 ID: a24198

Quick, now the contact between the two has been made, you can cast the spell to switch Clarice and the Mayor's bodies!
No. 938638 ID: a251ca

No. 938717 ID: 977456

Cursed Spines of Spine Enlargement? I hope that means what I think it means, because Godzilla-style spines would perfectly accompany The Mayor's face!

Are you certain that to be a good plan? I don't want to worry anyone, but our relationship with Clarice may be just a touch one-sided. Putting him in a body with neck-crushing fingers and flesh-gnashing teeth might be less than the wisest path.
No. 938726 ID: 094652

&!+(# wants to send you on a suicide mission
Kidnap her
No. 938742 ID: fa3561

We should find out what she wants from us, might be a fun quest.
But we probably should kidnap her anyways.
Is our elemental magic powerful enough to puppeteer her? I mean humans are mostly water.
No. 938964 ID: a9e081
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(Hi, really sorry about the short hiatus. RL got in the way but real excited about some of these suggestions)


Hmmm. You know what..? The science- Erm, magic is sound. Using the needles as a conduit, you could transfer Clarice and the mayors essence into eachother's bodies. That being said you've never done something like this before. Could be risky... But eh, fuck it!

"Mind if I put this down for a sec?" You say, placing Clarice on a nearby desk.

"Umm... Kay? But about this favor-"

"Yep, mhm, definitely, just give me a second"

You cast the spell before any questions can be asked.
No. 938966 ID: a9e081
File 156298942523.png - (1.54MB , 3300x2550 , 13.png )

"Wow! I'm- I'm alive!" The mayor suddenly shouts in a different cadence then before. "W-well, I guess I was ALWAYS alive but. I'm HUMAN!"

Gosh, wowie, it worked without a hitch!

"Oh Thoremore, i'm so happy I coul-"

But before the mayor- or, presumably, Clarice in the mayor's body can speak more, she is interrupted.

"What the HELL!" The mayors venom tipped voice screeches from the cactus on the table. "What did you DO!!!?!!?!?"

Thoremore looks taken aback for a moment before looking smug and replying.

"HEH, looks like your exterior is finally as prickly as your personality!"

"Oh Thoremore!" Clarice chimes in with a luagh. "You should hear some of the one-liners he'd practice on me! He's got some real knee slappers! And the pick-up lines to-

"NOW CLARICE" You interrupt. "Those are OUR special moments. No uh- no spoiling it."

You have never said pickup lines to a cactus. You definitely have no idea what it is like to remove cactus spines from your lips.

Clarice turns red.

"But Thoremore!our first kis-"

"ANOTHER TIME CLARICE" You shout loudly.

"Hey, shut up the both of you! Gods, I can't fucking BELIEVE THIS!!!! Are you going to FIX THIS!?!" The cactus shouts.
No. 938968 ID: d6a9f5

Make a Krang-style bodysuit using an elaborate system of pulleys and levers. You can put her in its stomach and she can continue to walk, and talk, and -- maybe -- love.
No. 938972 ID: 0fae41

I can't fix this with a cactus yelling at me. You used to be so nice! I need some time alone. With the Mayor. 's body.
Maybe we can find a guard body for her? Does it need to still be alive, per se?
No. 938974 ID: 3d1dd5

Are you going to make it worth my while?
No. 938982 ID: a251ca

we have a held slot, why not get rid of this annoying nagging!
No. 938988 ID: f6b59d

Put googly eyes or something on the mayor so at least she has a face
No. 938993 ID: 094652

I honestly thought you couldn't do that in a Terrible Quest.

Now you glue the mayor-cactus to a stick and leave town before someone realizes you kidnapped the mayor and porked her brain.
No. 938996 ID: 977456

Can you grow a new cactus from a cutting? This could answer so many questions about the effects of multiple bodies on the soul/mind...
No. 939543 ID: a9e081
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Hmm, no googly eyes but aha! A permanent marker right on the desk! You draw a face to show how the cactus feels!


Good idea, the held slot means she can't-

"What even is this! Where am I!!?! You're DEAD when I figure this out wizard! DEAD!"

Damn, it seems that while the held slot does break the laws of nature and puts the object out of sight, it also cannot contain speech!
No. 939546 ID: 0fae41

Search the office for a to-do list. That should give us some idea of where to commit acts of mercenary goodwill for money.
No. 939550 ID: 977456

Psst. Hey. Mayor? Can you hear us from in there, Mayor?
No. 939591 ID: 87c9c3

Cast a spell to convert sound waves into... uh... cactus vitamins or something. Silence is golden AND healthy.
No. 939612 ID: f6b59d

Teach Clarice some spells so she can help you (also because you're lazy and she should do the work for you)
No. 939613 ID: d6a9f5

There any other potted plants in there? Maybe you could bring them along so she has a friend. Or go out and trap a new friend in the plant.
No. 939615 ID: a251ca

Seems we are in quite the prickly situation, but no worry, I am sure we will find the root of the monster problem-----or just steal any cash we find to fulfill our need for money
No. 941395 ID: a9e081
File 156497566452.png - (976.53KB , 3300x2550 , 2A4C1075-ED68-4A91-ABBE-EB29F5DD4195.png )

The mayor, trapped in the void of then held slot, suddenly get flashes of 100 worlds. 100 voices. Then suddenly, one thing rings out in her cactus ears in pristine clearness.

“Psst. Hey. Mayor? Can you hear us from in there, Mayor?‘

“I- what? Huh??? Yes????????”

Given the nature of the cactus mayors current prison, a link has been made. A connection to a different and far away place. Of course the signal is real bad and the mayor can probably only hear 1 or 2 things told to her at a time, but contact has been made.
No. 941396 ID: a251ca

yo mayor, whats it feel like; being demoted form mayor to a pet cactus, and in the void of a held slot no less? can you like---feel your roots or are you pretty inanimate minus the whole face-on-a-cactus things you have going on

Thoremore should probably get to a lootin with Clarice. it is Clarice's office now right?
No. 941418 ID: 094652

Your world hates you. No really.

Grow limbs.
No. 941456 ID: 0936bb

Send the mayor the entirety of the wikipedia article for 'Cactus' so she can learn the exact extent of her form
No. 941507 ID: eb1fcc

so did you know cacti can live for like, 100s of years? Solve the mobility issue and really our wizard buddy just did you a huge favor

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