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In memory of Flyin' Black Jackson
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File 142476866556.png - (41.76KB , 800x800 , I.png )
626380 No. 626380 ID: 5b1b99

Your name is Shane. Today you are feeling a little unwell.

About one minute ago, you accidentally shat your pants. You thought it was just flatulence. Sadly, you got more than you bargained for.

You are completely unprepared for this kind of situation, and it is making you extremely uncomfortable.

You were on the way to taking some papers to your boss, Doug, who is still waiting for them.

You will need to think of something to do. You can't go into Doug's office with shit in your pants. You'll be fired for sure!
Expand all images
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No. 626382 ID: a19cd5

Make a quick break for the bathroom, and remove your underwear. Stow them somewhere safe, IE in the toilet-bowl basin, and make sure you wipe away any leakage that has entered your pants.
Come back later to retrieve underwear before work, get away scot free.
Alternatively, slide the papers under his door and leap from a window in shame. It's ok you're a bird you can just fly.
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No. 626386 ID: 5b1b99
File 142476997992.png - (8.44KB , 800x800 , II.png )
626386

>>626382

You waddle madly to the one unisex toilet your office has, and grab the handle, madly trying to open it.

>"OCCUPIED, ASSHOLE! I'VE GOT A HEROIN DEPENDENCY THAT NEEDS FULFILLING!"

"Oh... sorry!"

Oh no... it's being used! By Harry the Heroin user!
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No. 626389 ID: ecd0ab

>>626386
Why does he need the bathroom to do heroin? You can do heroin anywhere! Fuck this guy!
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No. 626392 ID: 5b1b99
File 142477084960.png - (15.70KB , 800x800 , III.png )
626392

SORRY! Had to correct inconsistent writing perspective... hopefully won't happen again.

>>626386

>"LOL how's it going, Shane?"

Shit! It's Carl the fucking IT administrator, and also the biggest douchebag in the office. Ever since he caught you looking at porn ONE TIME. He wasn't even in the room, how did he fucking know? He must be spying on you, that prick!

"Uhhh, hi Carl. Um, what's cracking, you GAY-mer! Haha..."

You think he plays videogames, hopefully he found that funny.

>"ROFL, fucking loser. Hey, what's that smell? Can you smell shit?"
>>
No. 626393 ID: 0ee153

>>626392
"I think that's the heroin Harry's injecting in his asshole."
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No. 626394 ID: 44e0c8

Fling your shit at carl!
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No. 626396 ID: 5b1b99
File 142477757588.png - (14.81KB , 800x800 , IV.png )
626396

>>626393

"Ahah, yeah, totally. Must be that useless junkie, Harry, injecting it into his... asshole ...again."

>"Drug abuse is a serious problem, Shane. You're not going to make it any easier for Harry if you talk shit about him. You know he feels terrible about his addiction, you dick."

Hm, that didn't turn out very well, but at least you got Carl talking about something other than the smell coming from your trousers.


>"Anyway, I should probably get back to work. See you around, Shane. Remember the workplace network use agreement! LOL"


Carl walks away.
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No. 626397 ID: 5b1b99
File 142477758415.png - (18.08KB , 800x800 , V.png )
626397

He passes Remy down the hall. You like Remy. You really want to bang her but your abysmal social skills have made the objective difficult to accomplish.



>"Hey beautiful, how's it going?"

>"Hehe, hi Carl!"


OH NO. She's coming towards you. If she finds out you have shit in your pants, you can forget any chance you had with her!
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No. 626398 ID: 44e0c8

Run away dude! DO NOT CONFRONT HER! Go so far to even go out of the building if it takes that!
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No. 626399 ID: e3db6c

Well, it looks like you're being handed the shart end of the stick. Just walk by nonchalantly, maybe smile if she's saying something to you. Chalk any awkwardness as your social awkwardness, be sure to say that part out loud.
Then get the heck out of dodge, hand the files to the boss, and get back to the toilet. Stand there if you must!
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No. 626400 ID: ecd0ab

>>626396
if everyone knows the guy is a heroin addict why does noone do anything about it

the guy needs to be in rehab this is not cool, guys
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No. 626404 ID: b2c9e1

>>626398
Don't run, Power walk, Running will make it obvious something is wrong. power walking makes them think you've got something important to do NOW.
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No. 626435 ID: d958ad

It looks like you will have to go out of the building or something to get rid of the stinky problem, so just slide the papers under your boss's door and get gone.
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No. 626553 ID: 5b1b99
File 142485798631.png - (14.89KB , 800x800 , Vi.png )
626553

>>626435

You can't fucking leave the building! You'd be fired for sure, and then it would be back into mum's shitty apartment with her boyfriend, Gavin. You hate Gavin, he never washed his dishes and sometimes used to borrow your toothbrush because he didn't give a shit.

>>626398
>>626404

You flee, true to the coward your developmental years had cultivated.

You hide under a desk in a nearby cubicle, and Remy walks past none the wiser.


>*sniff sniff* what's that smell?

Oh shit.
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No. 626554 ID: 5b1b99
File 142485800345.png - (19.41KB , 800x800 , VII.png )
626554

>>626553


Oh no, you'd hurriedly chosen the worst desk ever to hide under. It's Martha the enormous bitch.

>"Shane, get the fuck out from under my desk! What did you think you were doing down there, you fucking pervert?"

If she found out you'd shat your pants, she'd tell everyone. She can't keep her mouth shut about anything.
>>
No. 626556 ID: 321d85

>>626554
Just...I dunno, just mumble something extremely non-committal and abscond like the wind.

Man, you are having a terrible day at a pretty terrible office. Don't they have any rules for like, health issues or something? Maybe, like, mysteriously take up smoking for today and use your X-minute break to clean up.

Is there anybody in the office who might actually help you, if you asked them?

Anyway, if it comes down to it, you might consider sacrificing your dignity and social standing at the office in order to keep your job, since at least then you could still quit anyway if things got to be too much.
>>
No. 626564 ID: 3c17ca

>>626554
Shane's life sucks, there are only three options.

Find a utility closet, remove underwear.
Self termination
RAMPAGE
>>
No. 626568 ID: b2c9e1

>>626554
The best lies have a bit of truth to them. just say you saw remy coming your way and panicked.
>>
No. 626631 ID: 3009b4

Look, I think what we're all waiting for is an office rampage here and the sooner we cut to the chase, the better.
>>
No. 626638 ID: d958ad

Tell her you stepped in dogshit this morning.
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No. 626659 ID: 5b1b99
File 142494472702.png - (14.55KB , 800x800 , VIII.png )
626659

>>626554

You make up a shitty excuse.

"Urm, yeah I must have stepped in dog poo this morning. I was just hiding from Remy, I didn't want her to think I'd shit my pants or something HEH HEH!"

>"Oooooohh, now why would you worry about that? You have a crush on Remy?! OH MY GAWD."

"I didn't- Ugh, nevermind."

Shit.

You get out of there.
>>
No. 626660 ID: 5b1b99
File 142494474476.png - (12.18KB , 800x800 , IX.png )
626660

>>626659
>>626556

You think Harry the Heroin addict would help you out. He's probably been in the exact same situation before. Unfortunately, he's passed out in the toilet.

Speaking of which, it appears to be unlocked now.
>>
No. 626661 ID: d958ad

Get in there, bodily remove Harry from the bathroom, and then solve your problem.
>>
No. 626662 ID: 321d85

Is he ok, do you think?
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No. 626666 ID: 5b1b99
File 142495311587.png - (18.04KB , 800x800 , X.png )
626666

>>626661
>>626662


Now is your chance. You rush to the toilet.

Ack, damn it. Harry is still in here. You can't change your pants with him in here; if you got caught someone might think you were trying to take advantage of him. You try to wake Harry.

"Pssst! Harry, wake up!"

>"..."

It is clear he has ascended to a higher consciousness, and can't be awoken right now. You'll need to lift him out of the room.
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No. 626667 ID: 5b1b99
File 142495316475.png - (21.36KB , 800x800 , XI.png )
626667

>>626666 noice quads


You take Harry in your arms and try lifting him. He is heavy!

>"Just what is going on in here?

Oh no, it's James, the health officer. You don't want him to think you were molesting Harry. That... would probably be even worse than if he knew you shat yourself.
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No. 626668 ID: b00646

Get him to help, tell him that you found harry passed out and should probably get him some medical help!
>>
No. 626671 ID: d90668

Tell him you came in to use the bathroom and found Harry passed out. You panicked because you were worried he overdosed.
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No. 626685 ID: fe4bfc

Wait how did the bathroom get unlocked if he was passed out next to the toilet?

Tell James that you came in to use the bathroom and once you saw Harry lying there defenseless you knew you had to move him somewhere safe before he got molested. I mean he should not suffer any more than he has to from his horrible addiction.

So now that he is here he can move Harry someplace safe to sleep off the drugs. Because he is the health officer and is obviously trained for this sort of thing.
>>
No. 626729 ID: eb959a

Is there some place with a couch like a rec room? Tell him you were going to put Harry on the couch.
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No. 626741 ID: 3c17ca

>>626667
get him to come in here, "Come in quick and close the door!" then smash his head on the toilet. Finish him off by drowning. Blame it on Harry.
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No. 626795 ID: 5b1b99
File 142501531659.png - (15.11KB , 800x800 , XII.png )
626795

>>626741

Shit. You can't let him think you were trying to take advantage of Harry. Damn it, you aren't sure what to do!

"..Uh, you n-need to see this right now."

>"What? What is it?"

James comes into the room. You grab him by the hair and smack his head into the toilet rim several times, before holding his face in the toilet bowl until he drowns.
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No. 626796 ID: 5b1b99
File 142501533018.png - (19.39KB , 800x800 , XIII.png )
626796

>>626795

OH GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

"Shit shit, fuck... I fucking killed James! Oh god, what am I going to do? I'm going to go to prison and get fucking raped."

You lock the toilet door behind you.

Nice one, Shane. Your shitty pants scenario is now the least of your worries. Now you're locked in a unisex toilet with a dead body and an unconscious Heroin addict.
>>
No. 626797 ID: a19cd5

>>626796
...
>Reload last checkpoint
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No. 626799 ID: d90668

Well fuck that seemed like a over reaction. I mean you jammed his head in the only toilet you had available.

Well you went this far so there is no going back I guess. Time to set fire to the bathroom and remove all the evidence. Once the fire is started grab Harry and drag his ass out of the blaze.

Then you can look all heroic for saving the office from the fire. And crap in some other bathroom while everyone is staring at the burning building.
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No. 626800 ID: d3be40

WILL YOU TAKE HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TOILET BEFORE HE DROWNS TO DEATH FOR REAL?!

It's obvious that you have gone insane; you were more willing to perform insane actions and imagine the worst possible situation in nanoseconds (and angst for minutes about a hypothetical situation) than formulate a strategy or take small risks with a worst-case scenario less horrifying than the consequences of your insane actions.

Take his pants and switch them with yours. Try to resurrect the health inspector. Harry is conveniently in this room, and he confirmed that he uses heroin.
>>
No. 626803 ID: 6cb462

piss your pants, out of fear.
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No. 626805 ID: 3009b4

Flush the body down the toilet, then flush the addict. Clearly this is the best plan.
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No. 626820 ID: 8d99f5

We must flee to Germany and learn to play the accordion.
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No. 626832 ID: 321d85

>>626800
Seconded, because seriously
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No. 626834 ID: 5b1b99
File 142502867991.png - (18.76KB , 800x800 , XIV.png )
626834

>>626800

Oh god, you're right. You can't fucking leave him there.

You drag James out of the toilet and lie him on the floor. Desperately, you change out of your pants, and swap them for James'. Unfortunately, James is much thinner than you, and the pants are extremely tight. At least they aren't stained with shit, though.
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No. 626835 ID: 5b1b99
File 142502869691.png - (15.87KB , 800x800 , XV.png )
626835

>>626834



Alright, alright. You have to try to resuscitate James, you can't fucking let him die. There's no way you'd be able to walk away from this situation, it'd prison for sure -- and a butthole about ten centimetres wider.

You try to perform some mouth-to-mouth on James. The adrenaline surging through your body is stopping you from throwing up as you taste the toilet water soaked into the fur of James' face. So far unresponsive, but you can feel a weak pulse.
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No. 626836 ID: 5b1b99
File 142502870867.png - (15.01KB , 800x800 , XVI.png )
626836

>>626835


>"Ughm..."

FUCK! Harry has woken up!

>"Shane, what the fuck, man!? What's going on here? What fucking happened to James? Ugh, it smells like he shit himself!"
>>
No. 626839 ID: 5dfe8b

>>626836
dude, you flipped out and drowned him, man!
help me with cpr or we'll have to bury the body.
i got you man, don't worry.
>>
No. 626847 ID: dafc39

>>626839
Indeed. Turn your problems into solutions.
>>
No. 626849 ID: d90668

Make sure you did not leave your wallet and phone in your old pants. Do not want to ruin things by forgetting something like that.

So tell Harry to go lock the door while you retrieve any evidence.
>>
No. 626911 ID: d3be40

LEAVE NOW. DO NOT PLAY STUPID.

1. Find papers.
2. Go to Doug.
3. Give Doug papers.
4. Leave.
5. Do your job.
6. Go home.
7. Scream.
8. ^&*( pants further.
9. Take a bath.
10. Go to bed.
>>
No. 626919 ID: 3c17ca

>>626847
this. or see below for a back up plan.

>>626836

Break Harry's neck and start a fire in the bathroom, smash your face into the mirror and then run out. Harry burned down the place, after killing Carl in a drug fueled rampage involving fire and sex. He knew too much.

((unrelated to all this, but can we get a pose of Shane as the main character from the movie "Falling Down"?))
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No. 626925 ID: a10c54
File 142508493929.png - (15.80KB , 800x800 , XVII.png )
626925

>>626839
>>626836

Oh god I can't fucking resuscitate him.

"Dude, you fucking flipped out and drowned him! I heard the commotion and came running."

>"Oh fuuuck, this is messed up. What am I gonna do?"

"Don't worry man, I've got you. We need to get out of here. We're gonna catch a plane to Germany and forget all about this, okay?"

>"Shit... fuck! Alright. Alright... how are we gonna get out with James? We can't fucking leave him here... they'll know what's up and cancel our passports before we even get to the fucking airport."
>>
No. 626926 ID: d958ad

>>626925
Okay okay listen, what if... stay with me, what if James just sortof slipped and fell? Look, maybe the floor was wet or he tripped on one of the empty syringes.
>>
No. 626928 ID: 219868

PLEASE get your wallet and phone out of shit-pants as per >>626849

then let's start brainstorming places to hide the body. are there any areas of the office where nobody really ever goes?
>>
No. 626935 ID: 3c17ca

>>626925
Gotta eat him bro. its the only way, not be a racist or anything but i hear caterpillars like to eat a lot right?
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No. 626941 ID: a9753c

Continue CPR.
>>
No. 627003 ID: 321d85

>>626941
Wait wait wait, he has a weak pulse, right? Is he breathing yet? If he's breathing, no more CPR. If he isn't, JUST do the breaths.
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No. 627200 ID: a10c54
File 142521277075.png - (19.98KB , 800x800 , XVIII.png )
627200

>>626925

You continue attempts to resuscitate James.

Finally, James vomits a bunch of water, and you feel faint breaths. He's back, but completely unconscious.

"Okay... okay, whew, he's alive."

>"Okay, cool man, but we gotta get him out of here. He's a fucking mess. If he comes back and tells everyone I tried to fucking kill him, I'm going to prison for sure. I'm not going, man!"

You agree, of course. If James was to wake up here, it would not only reveal that you had tried to murder him, but also that you have falsely tried to pin it onto Harry. You're up to your neck in shit. But it's metaphorical shit now, so at least you sort-of have that going for you.

"Ok, I have a plan. How about- we'll take him out of here, take him somewhere safe, and think about what we're going to do with him? We'll just pretend, you know, he's sick or something..."

>"Well, okay. I don't see a better option right now, man."



You and Harry support James and carry him through the office. You get stares, but nervously try to smile them away. Remy passes you again:

>"Oh, hey guys... what happened to James? Is he okay? He asked to see me earlier, I was just on my way to visit him, actually..."

You swallow hard.

"Uhm... well, he's not feeling well. He forgot to take his uh, medicine... apparently? Um. Well, we're uh just..."

"..."

>"His er, WIFE, has come take him home, and we're just helping him get out to her car now."

"Nice one, Harry"

Remy smiles politely.

>"Oh, alright, then! Good luck, boys! By the way, Shane, you look pretty good in those new pants."

"Oh- oh, thanks! You too!"


"Shit!"
>>
No. 627201 ID: a10c54
File 142521279020.png - (20.40KB , 800x800 , XIX.png )
627201

>>627200


You head down to the car park, where you and Harry load James into the back seat of Harry's car.

You both get in the front, and sigh with relief - but the situation isn't resolved yet. You wipe the tears that had gathered in your eyes, and try to swallow away the lump in your throat. Harry puts the keys in the ignition, but doesn't start the engine.

"Fuuuuuuuck. What are we going to fucking do with him, man?"

Harry lights a cigarette and breathes deeply before answering.

>"I dunno."

"Well, we've gotta fucking take him somewhere, Harry! Right?"

>"Yeah, we could put him in one of our houses, and fuck off to Germany."

"No man, he'll fucking get out and tell the cops. Then they'll be waiting for us when we get off the plane."

>"Well, shit I dunno. Why don't we just finish the job and drop him in a forest somewhere?"

"I JUST FUCKING BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING THIS?"

>"DO YOU HAVE A BETTER FUCKING PLAN, THEN?"
>>
No. 627206 ID: 153bce

>You too

You done fucked up
>>
No. 627209 ID: d90668

You have to put him in some crazy incriminating scene so when he wakes up he doubts his own sanity.

Or wait Harry gets his heroin from somewhere right? Get some roofies and dose him up. Then he will forget the past day and be confused as hell.
>>
No. 627210 ID: 8f27ea

>>627209
This plan, there is no better way i would think of. Except to get your fuckn papers to the boss before you leave, you dont want to get fired for the trivial things.
>>
No. 627212 ID: 3c17ca

>>627209
Just dont OD him. too much. only a little. also plan a gun on him, send him towards a liquor store if he comes too but is out of it. Remember Shane, this man made fun of you once for beating off at work....because he was out to get you, not because you are a waste of a bird...man...thing. ARE YOU GONNA LET THOSE PHANTOM LAUGHS RING IN YOUR EARS FOREVER OR ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE CHARGE AND PUNCH HIM IN HIS UNCONSCIOUS FACE RIGHT NOW!? "Fuck you guy! fuck you!"
>>
No. 627231 ID: 6cb462

Look behind you, find out that he is waking up.
>>
No. 627249 ID: 8d99f5

What places don't extradite criminals?
>>
No. 627287 ID: 03f11c

>>627201
well maybe blackmail to keep him quiet? try to search his place for dirt maybe?
>>
No. 627333 ID: 9b1eec

>>627201
Just drop him off at the hospital, man, say he's gotten in an accident. Maybe shoot some of Harry's drugs in him, but not much, just a very small dose, so it seems that something bad happened to him.
Combined with our awkwardness, it wouldn't seem like James had gotten in trouble with the mafia. No, not at all.
>>
No. 627461 ID: 8f01e8

First, confirm that you are in possession of your own wallet and cell phone and James has his. Then, papers to Doug.

After that, or possibly at the same time, Harry drives to the nearest hospital. Emergency room. Tell the triage nurse "He fell and hit his head, we found him unconscious on the bathroom floor." The best kind of lie is almost completely true.
>>
No. 627473 ID: 3009b4

>After that, or possibly at the same time, Harry drives to the nearest hospital. Emergency room. Tell the triage nurse "He fell and hit his head, we found him unconscious on the bathroom floor." The best kind of lie is almost completely true.

Add that he also shat his pants.
>>
No. 627559 ID: 8f01e8

>>627473
No. Anyone who cares would be able to draw that conclusion themselves. Amateur liars frequently get caught up in adding too many details to a story.
>>
No. 627570 ID: 3009b4

>No. Anyone who cares would be able to draw that conclusion themselves. Amateur liars frequently get caught up in adding too many details to a story.

Clearly you do not appreciate the comedic value of hypercritically drawing attention to our former co-worker's shitty pants. Shane was doomed the moment he shart; clearly the only good end must be one of a blaze of glory by going on a rampage!
>>
No. 627572 ID: 3c17ca

>>627570
if this does not end in a stolen space shuttle full of cocaine, with harry and the fox <who now has brain damage> as part of our buddy story, and yet somehow seem reasonable to anyone i will be sad.
>>
No. 627664 ID: 3009b4

I hope the fox is like Brainless Randy from Illbleed now.
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