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In memory of Flyin' Black Jackson
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561203 No. 561203 ID: 431163



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No. 561204 ID: 431163
File 139172979506.png - (14.01KB , 1100x750 , 1.png )

You are a phasebear. It has been a long winter hibernation, but it is time to wake up for the summer. You are absolutely famished, or at least not as fat as you should be.

You may do what all phasebears may do, which includes:

*Wander Aimlessly
*Growl and roar
*Maul and kill
*Look for lady phasebears
*Jump through time and space
*Forage for berries

What shall you do first?
No. 561205 ID: d2995c

Find berries. Eat berries. Jump through time/space to repeat.
No. 561208 ID: db9156

well, is the nourishment from simple berries enough to maintain the phasing? I'd think that would require something more substantial

either way, why not go out and Maul and Kill some ethereal bunnies?
No. 561211 ID: a87e3a

What's bear-future like?
No. 561212 ID: 431163
File 139173158397.png - (28.00KB , 1100x750 , 2.png )

Although berries, or even rabbit sounds very tasty right now, they are both very hard to find immediately outside of your moon cave. Perhaps hibernating in space was not as good of an idea as you thought it was.

Your stomach growls.
No. 561215 ID: db9156

test lunar surface for cheesiness contents
No. 561217 ID: 88960e

We're a phase bear? Obviously, we should be hunting blink frogs.
No. 561218 ID: eaa372

Forage for lunar rovers. Space bears clearly need some silicon and lightweight metals in their diet. If you eat enough lunar rovers astronauts will come investigate and then you can maul the astronauts.
No. 561224 ID: 91e607

It's simple: phase down to North America and catch some river salmon.
No. 561225 ID: 431163
File 139173705622.png - (24.28KB , 1100x750 , 3.png )

You eat a small moonstone, but spit it back out. It just tastes of rock and solar radiation. Momma bear and Poppa bear lied to you. Your eyes swell with bear tears for a moment, but a bear does not dwell.

You search high and low for lunar rovers, but do not manage to find any. You do find three monoliths, a UFO which quickly takes flight at the sight of you, an abandoned moon base filled with dead clones, a few passing satellites and a flag, but no lunar rovers.

You are getting very hungry.
No. 561227 ID: a87e3a

Can't you just teleport down to Earth to find some bunnies?
No. 561228 ID: a87e3a

Wait no, I have another idea. Phase back in time to when the astronauts were here, and eat them!
No. 561274 ID: 0b54f4

Are the clones edible?
No. 561305 ID: c04e3e

Salute the flag and shed a single tear. Then proceed into the moon base to look for berries.
No. 561321 ID: db9156

I second the idea, clones should be eadible, even if somewhat crunchy, after all, not enough bacteria to decompose them that much right?

we should head over to examinate monolith #2 afterwards
No. 561324 ID: 505e40

you're a motherfucking bear. bears don't settle for stale food. phase right into an african bush elephant and eat it from the inside.
No. 561330 ID: 431163
File 139180987352.png - (20.36KB , 1100x750 , 4.png )

No. 561331 ID: 431163
File 139180987870.png - (22.59KB , 1100x750 , 5.png )

No. 561332 ID: 431163
File 139180992446.png - (45.14KB , 1100x750 , 6.png )

Your bear stomach is filled with elephant meat.

You are somewhat bored now.
No. 561335 ID: c04e3e

Go play with some somalian pirates
No. 561340 ID: 505e40

go either monolithways or lady phasebearways. I mean, those are just my personal recommendations. I would never presume to tell a bear what to do.
No. 561342 ID: d9bed9

Wander aimlessly.

Through an office skyrise building.
No. 561408 ID: 379075

If you have friends or family maybe you want to look some of them up? Unless they're all jerks or something.
No. 561439 ID: 4a20fa

This seems a perfectly reasonable course of action.
No. 561711 ID: 431163
File 139198876636.png - (92.88KB , 1100x750 , 7.png )

Although it would be nice to see Momma and Poppa again, you do not know where they are. Phasebears tend to lose things often.

You decide to mix it up and jump across dimensions for awhile, until you find some Somalian pirates working in an abandoned office building.

"Rrrrrhhhrrr," you say, ready to play.
No. 561712 ID: 431163
File 139198879606.png - (91.69KB , 1100x750 , 8.png )

But the pirates do not seem to be in the mood.

Tracing background art is wrong and intellectually dishonest, and should never be done in any serious piece of work. However bears are free spirits who don't conform themselves to any of your fucking rules, man.
No. 561725 ID: 4a20fa

Dive at that guy and tackle him out the window.

Phase back up just before you hit asphalt and casually claim the couch.
No. 561731 ID: 41dd9e


do the opposite of this. as in, phase right outside the window, then jump through it to maul the guy.
No. 561772 ID: 3419eb


neither of these, grapple the guy, phase out with him, walk towards the window and phase back in such a way that the guy's head is outside of the window as you phase back in
No. 561801 ID: 0b54f4

When you're not busy playing with pirates, perhaps you can explain to us the extent of your phasing abilities. Like: how far, how accurately, can you bring stuff, how MUCH stuff, can you phase other things and NOT yourself, can you detect the place you're about to phase into....
No. 561803 ID: a87e3a

Phasing is so one-note. Let's use our mauling ability here instead.
No. 561845 ID: ee80f6

send them to another dimension, preferably one without oxygen
No. 562015 ID: 431163
File 139211251705.png - (76.58KB , 1100x750 , 9.png )

You are a bear. You can phase.

You have literally never before given so much thought to defining your phasing abilities. But you clearly have a knack for it. Perhaps you should have been a scholar bear after all, and damn Poppa and his vicarious bearsport dreams.

Using a delicate and beautiful process the phasebear elegantly refers to as "Time Fucking", you attempt all of these at once.

The pirate makes a pleasing slurking noise, as he is torn into three clean pieces.
No. 562016 ID: 431163
File 139211253844.png - (234.78KB , 1100x750 , 10.png )


The barely-coherent pirate screams most horribly as his body rejects the reality of this dimension, and he is ripped asunder into his constituent pieces.

Serves him right for not playing with you.

What should we do now?
No. 562018 ID: bfbe79

If you can phase through time, then find some real fucking pirates, like Blackbeard era. Actually fuck it. Just find Blackbeard and maul him in the snout to assert superiority, then put on his hat and become king of the bear pirates. Then take your legit pirate ship and crew and hunt down Hitler.
No. 562028 ID: 59d71b

say hello to that lady hiding under the desk. maybe she wants to play. I suggest opening with GROOOAAANNNKKKK PLAAAAYYY WITHHHH MEEEEEEEEEE
No. 562090 ID: 37aa84

Can you time fuck yourself into the past, or is it just for doing multiple things at the same time? If you can Time Fuck yourself and maul Hitler because that is what you are supposed to do with time travel.
No. 562091 ID: a87e3a

Why not play with some polar bears?
No. 562241 ID: 431163
File 139224364486.png - (258.06KB , 1100x750 , 11.png )

Mauling is not the only way a Phasebear can kill Hitler. They have developed many nuanced and beautiful methods of hunting. Observe!
No. 562242 ID: 431163
File 139224365067.png - (98.00KB , 1100x750 , 12.png )

No. 562243 ID: 431163
File 139224366930.png - (92.63KB , 1100x750 , 13.png )

Nobody suspects a thing!

You now control Nazi Germany.
No. 562244 ID: 53ba34

instead of having the jews burned, have them brought to you, to eat.
No. 562247 ID: 37aa84

Challenge Winston Churchill to an arm wrestling contest to prove Nazi superiority.
No. 562249 ID: 4e75e1

rename Germany. here's a few ideas:


also announce that bears are the new master race and go invade Peru and Bolivia so you can have a lake called Titicaca in your country.
No. 562297 ID: 3f0c1b

Demand that your parade car is replaced with a tank, it's more awesome that way.
No. 562302 ID: a87e3a

Get them to feed you the most delicious honey and berries.
No. 562444 ID: 761017

Reaffirm your alliance with Great Britain, and send off a missive to Sir Bearington.
No. 562494 ID: 4a20fa

Reaffirm your alliance with Russia, indomidable land of bears, and send a bomber wing to Sir Bearington.
No. 562529 ID: 3f0c1b

No, those Russian bears will be part of our master plan to successfully take Moscow by attacking from two fronts.
No. 563542 ID: 431163
File 139285375874.png - (110.59KB , 1100x750 , 14.png )

The Nazi Republic of Bearistan is entering a new era of prosperity. Our newly befriended ursine friends in Russia are rebelling against their communist masters, and soon their land will be ripe for the taking. Bomber bears are on their way to bomb the foul country of Britain, while their prime minister is on his way now for our peace talks (where he will be humiliated in paw wrestling and forced to concede surrender).

Besides that, for the last week you have been gorging on the finest of German honey and fruit.

Life is good.
No. 563543 ID: 431163
File 139285377248.png - (149.44KB , 1100x750 , 15.png )

Except for that.

The pirate is apparently not quite as dead as you thought it was.
No. 563544 ID: f4b0d3

maybe if you did whatever you did to him to yourself, you could become an interdimensional horrorterror yourself. you'd be Bearthulhu. it'd be awesome.
No. 563545 ID: 0b54f4

On the other hand, that might also be kinda like "Turn yourself into an eternally damned soul! It'll be sweet!" Just a grain of salt.
No. 563546 ID: a87e3a

Well this is bad. Hmm. You could phase back in time and stop yourself from doing that to the pirate? Then he'll disappear in a puff of paradox.

Or we could try to find someone who is capable of dealing with extradimensional horrors such as this. Lovecraft, perhaps?
No. 563552 ID: 53ba34

just kill them again. you were born to phase, they simply manged to contain it.
No. 563559 ID: 37aa84

Phase it into the middle of London. They can destroy each other, and if we're really lucky the Prime Minister will hear of it just after his humiliating defeat to our right to Bear Arms.
No. 563564 ID: f562ed

phase it to Pearl Harbor.

then you'll have pirates, boats, and a staggering deviation from known history
No. 563575 ID: 4a75fa

Phase the pirate inside the core of the first atom bomb test. That should be happening about now.
No. 563577 ID: ce1af9


and have a Dr. Pirate Manhattanthulhu on our hands?

...you know what, I'm cool with that.
No. 563594 ID: 45aeb1

The natural predator of the pirate is a ninja, no?
Simply repeat what you did to the pirate on a ninja and have the problems solve itself.

(This may or may not end in a ridiculous chain of incrementally powerful phase beasts)
No. 563604 ID: 3f0c1b

Phase ninjas probably exist already, you just need to go to Japan and get one. Japan are your allies right?
No. 565513 ID: 431163
File 139418057933.png - (269.21KB , 1100x750 , 16.png )

No. 565514 ID: 431163
File 139418058560.png - (237.12KB , 1100x750 , 17.png )

No. 565515 ID: 431163
File 139418059933.png - (419.85KB , 1100x750 , 18.png )

As a phasebear, you are able to see across time to witness the consequences of your actions.

The Pirate will destroy London, down to every last man, woman and child. But London will prove no match for the Pirate. Sustained by the casualties, recovering more life for each that it takes, the Pirate will grow and grow. It will swallow cars, tanks and humans alike under its tremendous rolling bulk. It will wrap around buildings and bridges, blowing out into every direction until all that is left of London is The Pirate, collosal in size.

But London will not be the end. The Pirate will expand outward, seeking more flesh, more biomatter to fuel its own deranged, feral inhuman growth. It will swallow Bristol, Leeds and Liverpool before the hour is done. By the time the world has finally realized what is happening to it, the Pirate will cover a full half of the land, and three quarters of the ocean. Within two days the seas will be filled with congealing blood and boiling mucus, the ground covered by a thick sheet of warm living flesh. Every noxious breath that seeps from the Pirate's fifty colossal malformed lungs will fill the already unlivable atmosphere with more toxic carbon dioxide, until even the very air is acid.

And still the pirate will not be done, for his growing hunger will drive him to push fleshy tendrils out into space. Fuelled by the dimensional warp storms raging over the Earth, these tendrils will grow at exponential rates. Within a few short years, they will find their first target. The V'ian of the Hein So star system won't know what hit them; in a few short minutes, their entire system-spanning empire disappears. And they will hardly be the last. A hundred billion stars will be snuffed out from the night sky as they are cleansed. Mighty empires, fledgling tribes, strong reptilian giants or tiny weak rodents- it does not matter. Each and every one is dragged, kicking and screaming, into one of trillions of gibbering, teeth chattering mega-mouths.

In a mere twenty years time, there will be virtually no life left in this galaxy. Only a mere handful of stragglers are crafty enough to avoid the omniescent eyes, surviving amongst the ruinous valleys of shit and filth. Countless planets are left covered in the everflesh, spewing bile and piss and blood in the skin ravines where prosperous civilizations once stood. Uncaring desolate isolation will be the only reminder of countless eons of progress and culture.

But none of that matters because it wasn't even your dimension anyway!

So, how will we celebrate the pirate's AND London's defeat? They won't be bothering you any more!
No. 565517 ID: bfbe79

Phase Bear for ultimate Dr. Who villain. 

To celebrate the defeat of London and the foisting of a universe ending problem onto another dimension, find a dimension where Dr. Who is real and take a bear shit in his TARDIS to declare yourself as Bear Who is Basically a God in Charge of Everything Who Does as He Pleases so Deal With It You Wimp.
No. 565519 ID: 0b54f4

Well, frick.
No. 565526 ID: 37aa84

Take a small fishing trip with some of your top lieutenants.
No. 565656 ID: ae7db7

maybe you should skip this dimension of reality since you pretty much Cronenberg'd the whole thing now.
No. 565713 ID: 0b54f4

Ummm...are you...sure you can't just stop the pirate?
No. 565719 ID: 37aa84

We did stop the pirate. We shunted it to a dimension separate from our own where it can never try to harm us again.
No. 565741 ID: eb10ea

The pirate came for us twice now, he'll do it again.

He must be stopped.
No. 565744 ID: 37aa84

Actually he only came for us once. We went to him the first time we meat him.
No. 565747 ID: eb10ea

And then he shot us. Maybe that doesn't qualify as 'coming at us' but he still tried to kill us twice.
No. 566460 ID: 753e50
File 139494066286.png - (90.45KB , 1100x750 , 19.png )

You take a quick moment to reassert your dominance over Britain, but then you are left with nothing to do.

Your mind wanders back to the German generals whom you left behind, who do not yet know the horrors that will befall them. You consider bringing them out for a fishing trip, when you recall the sage words of your old Bear Physics 101 professor, Mr. Honeypaws.

>"For the LOVE of our sweet merciful bear christ, listen to me you little shits! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU could destroy the multiverse and everything in it! Each one of you spoiled little undisciplined fuckups could EASILY screw it all up for ALL OF US so PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T FUCK SHIT UP TOO MUCH! I'M LITERALLY ON MY KNEES BEGGING YOU, PLEASE!"

What a kidder, that Mr. Honeypaws! But he is probably right. You should leave that dimension alone before the warp seams start tearing into neighbouring universes.

Your mind reels at all the other possibilities before you, all the well deserved vacations you could take. To narrow it down, you choose three at random to pick from.
No. 566461 ID: 753e50
File 139494068565.png - (739.93KB , 1100x750 , 20.png )

There is always the Prostitute and Cocaine Party Planet of dimension #314,558,000,132. Can't go wrong with snorting some bear coke off a hooker's ass. Or snorting some bear coke off a hooker's tits. Or snorting some bear hooker off a coke's ass, it's all good.
No. 566462 ID: 753e50
File 139494069369.png - (119.41KB , 1100x750 , 21.png )

You know of a fantastic all-you-can-eat buffet in dimension #132,994,854,900,232,410,001,428. The little piglets are left to roam free-range for anywhere between ten to fourty plus years, and it's all as fresh as it could get. A meal that'd be fit for our beloved Bear King!
No. 566463 ID: 753e50
File 139494072078.png - (611.06KB , 1100x750 , 22.png )

Finally, you could wander the endless forgotten wastelands of the Infinite Fog Plains of dimension #84 for a few decades. Maybe, with any luck, you could find your poor, lost parents. The very thought brings a bear tear to your eye.
No. 566478 ID: bfbe79


No. 566528 ID: 3f0c1b

The buffet sounds perfect.
No. 566543 ID: a97618

Obviously you should collect some free range piglet takeout, and then go snort bear cocaine off it while eating it off a hooker's ass.
No. 566617 ID: be48b2

Always remember: Nothing good ever comes from getting intoxicated with an empty stomach. So hit the buffet!
No. 566621 ID: a585b8

...what's in dimension #1?
No. 566622 ID: 113912

Not puking out your guts because there's nothing to puke out?
I say we risk certain death wandering the infinite fog plains trying to find the decaying remains of our parents by tripping over whatever killed them. I think we should do this because that would be a stupid idea, and sometimes you just have to make the wrong decision.
No. 566662 ID: 37aa84

Can't go wrong with bear coke.
No. 567270 ID: 753e50
File 139546036587.png - (574.34KB , 1100x750 , 23.png )

> ...what's in dimension #1?
So many Phasebears.

You don't really like to go to Dimension #1. There was this one incident- who can honestly blame you? They're a bunch of bear dicks for bringing it up every single time. I mean, it was the middle of breeding season, and who's fault is it really if Derrick can't work the feminine fat off his worthless bear ass, seriously, you can't tell who the bear christ is who in that pile and probably everybody's done it before anyway without even realizing it so what stupid high ground are they on, the hypocritical assholes.

Bunch of bear jerks.
No. 567272 ID: eb10ea

>dimension of infinite bears
Jesus Christ how horrifying

Would your bear parents even appreciate the trouble you would go through to find them, or will they just bitch and moan about you being a disappointment? If they're impossible to please, just go to the coke party and sniff coke off all of a hookers body parts at once.
No. 567274 ID: 2c6ff1

What about... DIMENSION #0?
No. 567282 ID: 753e50
File 139547349667.png - (782.40KB , 1100x750 , 24.png )

Going out and intentionally searching for your long lost bear parents was a pretty dumb idea. Why would you want them around anyway? Spoiling your fun. Spoiling your freedom. It is much better to do what you want and screw the consequences; now THAT is the true Phasebear way.
No. 567283 ID: 753e50
File 139547351408.png - (766.51KB , 1100x750 , 25.png )

As a side note, cocaine tastes like delicious candy. Or it does after awhile. First snort didn't taste like candy but goddamn does that shit get waaay fucking good so good it doesn't even matter that your face is numb but who cares

Fuck this hooker is hot you could do this for hours
No. 567284 ID: 753e50
File 139547353929.png - (766.52KB , 1100x750 , 26.png )

Oh my bear god have you ever been a stripper before this shit is so much fucking fun hahaha

You should get more takeout because you could eat a fucking small african nation or no, a big one, they're too skinny for a good meal anyway

Doesnt matter just keep shakin that big bear booty yeah baby
No. 567285 ID: 753e50
File 139547355668.png - (761.07KB , 1100x750 , 27.png )

man fuk mom and fuck dad youre fuckin invinclbe u dont need them you dont need anybody cept maybe these whores but well see cause it doesnt matter cause u can do anythng an the very very very last thing u need is

oh hey its mom an dad
No. 567287 ID: 2c6ff1


Phase somewhere else until the drugs and panic fade, then come back like one second after you left.

Then I dunno something like "Oh my god I thought you were lost forever why are you HERE of all places?" is appropriate.
No. 567292 ID: 6695ba

It's just the coke. Keep partying or the strippers are going to think you're some kind of dork, growling about your mom-n-dad during sex. You'll look just like one of those guys that cries afterwards and that always makes it really awkward when they ask for the money.
No. 567293 ID: 37aa84

Assess whether it is truly mombear and dadbear or if they are still lost in the infinite fog plains and this is just a coke fueled hallucination.
No. 567295 ID: a97618

Immediately break down and begin crying with happiness and pulling them into a group hug. You've been acting tough and talking shit, but you missed them.
No. 567298 ID: 7d8412

what are they doing in the coke and hookers dimension

that place is for scum

shame on them
No. 569193 ID: 753e50
File 139664288107.png - (247.39KB , 1100x750 , 28.png )

You... you start to...

They are... they-

Oh, mommy! Pop pop!




Oh faceless alien hooker slut!

"... ~ <3 ~ ..."


No. 569194 ID: 753e50
File 139664290561.png - (216.25KB , 1100x750 , 29.png )




"... ?!?! ..."


Oh, bear jesus. Now you remember why you tried to ditch these two deadweight losers in the infinite fog plains.
No. 569197 ID: 2c6ff1

Get them addicted to hookers and blow. Then sneak out and go visit the Universe's Biggest Circus.
No. 569200 ID: 461142

I don't get it. but if you want to ditch them, feel free to phase into the ninja dimension.
No. 569201 ID: 88960e

Dude, get over it. They're family. You work through it and put up with it.
No. 569355 ID: 753e50
File 139674610181.png - (740.68KB , 1100x750 , 30.png )

No no no! You can't just hide with the ninjas or visit the circus every time you have a squabble with your mommy and pop pop. You need some time to think this over.

So you freeze time.

In about twenty seconds chronomatic aberration and desyncing will cause cataclysmic tearing in dimensional spacetime, which will almost immediately explode every atom in this plane of existence.

But twenty seconds is plenty of time. No need to worry about it. Unless some other phasebear has already frozen space in this dimension before, but really... who would be stupid and reckless enough to do that?

Anyway. The solution is clear. You need to murder your parents. Unfortunately they are also phasebears, which makes it a little more difficult.
No. 569358 ID: 2c6ff1

Can't you just invite them to your dimension but give them the dimension number of the Pirate, and a location that's too dangerous to escape from once there?
No. 569367 ID: 37aa84

Not if they're babies! Killing babies is usually incredibly easy so I'm guessing baby phasebears will be more difficult than normal babies but less than adult phasebears. You just have to locate both when and where your parents were when they were young.
No. 569368 ID: ffa549

...I'm still confused as to why you need to murder them.

Or even easier, you just need to prevent their conception. Go cock-block your grandparents.

The really trick bit is how you prevent yourself from ceasing to exist along with your parents, though.
No. 569370 ID: 53ba34

wait, kill dad bear right after you are conceived and he is tired. and mom bear right after you are born. she will be tired from birthing.
No. 569391 ID: d6c045

And then raise yourself to beardulthood.
No. 569419 ID: 66272e

This is a perfect plan and nothing could go wrong.
To the past!
No. 569423 ID: ffa549

...wait a second, we've already been shown to have parricidal tendencies. Do we really want to raise little us?
No. 569613 ID: a7868d

If we do this we've already done it and you raised yourself. And thus killing your dad right now would be killing you at another time. You shouldn't do that, just dump them in doomed-pirate-verse.
No. 572090 ID: 753e50
File 139829340994.png - (21.01KB , 1100x750 , 31.png )

>kill dad bear right after you are conceived
>and mom bear right after you are born

You may have slept through most of WaterBear High, but even you paid attention in sex ed. You're not sure why you thought you might need to make a distinction between the two, but you dismiss the mental misstep and move on.
No. 572091 ID: 753e50
File 139829341618.png - (22.61KB , 1100x750 , 32.png )

No. 572092 ID: 753e50
File 139829342280.png - (27.71KB , 1100x750 , 33.png )

No. 572093 ID: 753e50
File 139829343750.png - (27.15KB , 1100x750 , 34.png )

The deed is done and the child you is yours. As you cradle yourself in your own loving embrace, you think to the future, of how much different things will be this time around. Never again will you be denied a ticket to the elephant ride and buffet at the bear circus, or the bearcycle you so desperately wanted as a young teenage bear. Every weekend will be spent stuffing both of your own faces with honey and ice cream, fishing at the local lake and hanging out with yourself, doing whatever the hell you and you want. Never will you be parted from yourself, no. You will pamper and spoil yourself until your last parting breath and by god nobody, and that means NOBODY, will ever change your years of well-earned dedication to your own well being.

On the other hand, you're starting to come off your high. Phasebear metabolism is much higher then a puny humans, of course... although, you're not sure what possessed you to think that, or what relevance it has to anything. But you know what DOES have relevance. With this kid in tow, there will be no more hookers OR cocaine. No more pirate fights, no more moon vacations. The little shitbag is nothing but a deadweight on your good times and you need to do something about it.
No. 572095 ID: 99624f

Find a trustworthy person you can leave yourself with that will spoil you rotten.
No. 572097 ID: 53ba34

who says you can't take hm wit you to the hookers? i am sure one or two would love watching him.. you... it, while you handle business.
No. 572098 ID: ca65e6

Just abandon him in an orphanage. He doesn't deserve anything. He'll probably grow up to be a parricidal hitler impersonator.
No. 572099 ID: 37aa84

Is there an alternate universe where you didn't kill your parents? If so you could phase the little one into alternate universe mom's womb just as she goes into labor and be raised with your own identical twin brother/alternate reality self. They hopefully won't question why one of you were born without a Umbilical cord.
No. 572103 ID: e1609c

before you drop him off give him some tits so when you are a teenager you have something to have fun with
No. 572104 ID: eb10ea

Leave him in the care of some impressionable tribal species. They will undoubtedly raise him as a gift from the gods or something.
No. 572114 ID: d6c045

You know what to do. Eat him and gain his powers. You will ascend and become Paradoxbear.
No. 572118 ID: d0f81e


holy shit you're right.
No. 572137 ID: 37aa84

eating our past self sounds just like the sort of thing Mr. Honeypaws warned us never to do, I say as we stand over our parents corpses shortly after our birth and almost immediately after I suggested being raised as the twin child to our alternate universe self. You know what just do whatever,we are probably far beyond what Mr. Honeypaws would consider fucking stuff up too much.
No. 572166 ID: 4a20fa

This is the only rational course of action at this time.
No. 572178 ID: 824f43

>The little shitbag is nothing but a deadweight on your good times and you need to do something about it.
What? No he's not, you're a phasebear. You can have as much fun with him as you want, and then fuck off when you want to do anything else. And then you can time travel back right to the moment you abandoned him when you're done, so there's no child neglect. You could only spend one day a week, or less, raising yourself and still be a full time parent.
No. 572189 ID: 6ab296

Except we'll keep aging as we raise him. You think raising him now full time will be hard, by the time he's one year old we'll be seven years older, we'll have aged fourteen years by the time he turns two. I don't know how long phase bears live or take to grow up but if we age and grow decrepit at all he's going to become a much bigger chore to raise especially once we have to start chasing him through time and dimensions.
No. 573760 ID: 753e50
File 139967750042.png - (64.82KB , 1100x750 , 35.png )

As delicious as that sounds, the thought makes you feel a little... strange. Uneasy and unpleased. As if you could almost feel the pain another bear is going through, even though you obviously can't. You can't say you've ever felt anything like this before. And with any luck, you won't feel it again.

The problem with this is that sort of shit takes work. And the more time you spend worrying about this little brat, the less time you're snorting pure coke off a hooker's fat tits. No. The little fucker has to be taken care of.

But first, you thought of possibly the greatest idea you've ever had in your entire bear adulthood. So you swing by the very best hospital you can find in the north-west region of this back-country dimension who'll work for fourteen bear dollars and a pocketful of lint.
No. 573761 ID: 753e50
File 139967751279.png - (85.21KB , 1100x750 , 36.png )

And then you deposit the little shit off at the closest orphanage. Good riddance, you little fucker! Now, it's time to get back to the hookers and bl--
No. 573762 ID: 753e50
File 139967752624.png - (295.46KB , 1100x750 , 37.png )

...oh. Maybe you desynced that dimension a little too much.

Well whatever! There's plenty more where that came from! And without the little shit to bog us down, we're a free agent! Hell yeah!

Where shall we go now? What awesome adventures should we get into?
No. 573764 ID: 753e50

Sorry about the slow 2-3 week updates. I was busy with life for awhile, and after that I had lost my momentum. But I've found motivation again and worked into a better schedule so this should all go faster from here on out.
No. 573766 ID: c170fd

The warp seams aren't tearing into neighboring universes are they? I mean, you should try not to fuck everything up for everyone, so if this isn't localized you might want to fix it.

If not, let's goooo tooooo... the universe with the biggest waterpark!
No. 573768 ID: e1609c

lets head into some other quests and fuck some shit up.
No. 573769 ID: c170fd

No. 573770 ID: e1609c

but yes though
No. 573795 ID: a95b2e

...roast some tasty marshmallows over the plasma fires of that dying universe. Nothing quite bakes in the flavor like burning spacetime.
No. 573887 ID: 6ebbbf

come on out here and give us a bear hug.
No. 574142 ID: 753e50
File 139992955724.png - (17.18KB , 1100x750 , 38.png )

You decide to go fuck up the other quests a bit.

Already, you're hitting a snag. Just look at this shit. Is this what modern questing has become? Poorly drawn walls and doors, a terrible cityscape in the background. The only colour in the entire goddamn scene is on the busty slut in the foreground. No fucking wonder she had some goddamn attention put into her! And still she doesn't even have a real face! Who the fuck made THIS dogshit?

Ruining this would be more depressing then amusing. It's clearly already scraping the bottom of the barrel. How much lower could it go?
No. 574143 ID: 753e50
File 139992957774.png - (16.71KB , 800x600 , 39.png )

Now THIS is a proper quest. Old but gold.

Time's all fucked up here, though. You can feel it. It'll stop for a few weeks, months, then burst forward again. And stop. And go. It would take ages and ages for them to come back and realize you've fucked it up. And then time would stop before it could sink in, and you'd have to wait ages and ages more.

What is the point of reckless carnage without an audience?
No. 574144 ID: 753e50
File 139992959886.png - (322.16KB , 1052x744 , 40.png )

Actually, you have nothing to say about this one. Seems pretty pleasant.

But none of the quests you see here are a worthy candidate for destruction and fucking up! Not one quest about anything cool, like bears or phase shifting. Screw it. You can do better then this.
No. 574145 ID: 753e50
File 139992961266.png - (22.31KB , 1100x750 , 41.png )

No. 574146 ID: 753e50
File 139992963424.png - (13.24KB , 1100x750 , 42.png )

You are an insignificant little human, toiling about your insignificant human life. You have a full fridge of honey and berries, but your wife is hibernating in the caveroom. What will you do?
No. 574152 ID: 189a54

Contemplate why you are so eager to stock up on such bear-like food products, and think of your wife sleeping in such a bear-like way.
No. 574153 ID: c170fd

Go brag to your friends about how much honey and berries you have.
No. 574154 ID: 753e50
File 139993173240.png - (13.25KB , 1100x750 , 43.png )

You spend a moment to think about how you eat berries and sleep. Then you move on because that's a dumb thing to think about because of course bears humans do those things.

You go meet your friend HUMAN 2 and brag about how much berries and honey you have.

He congratulates you for being so prepared for the winter but asks why you do not have any MEAT.

Oh, shit! You forgot the MEAT. You must get MEAT.
No. 574155 ID: c170fd

Bears have meat! Go hunt a bear.
No. 574158 ID: d6c045

Kill human 2 for meat.
No. 574161 ID: 753e50
File 139993534234.png - (8.73KB , 1100x750 , 44.png )

Bears are far too big for an insignificant human like yourself to take down, but perhaps you can use your friend as a meatshield while you try to stab him in the back. Maybe it'll work. And if it doesn't, you can always kill your friend for meat later.

You are in the bear woods. There are bears in these woods. But you do not know where they are.

Human 2 talks about how fast his son is growing. He talks about the love he has for his wife and how he is only two weeks from retirement.
No. 574162 ID: 37aa84

Tell Human 2 he sounds like the old grizzled cop 10 seconds from dieing in literaly every action movie ever. Then locate a cave where a bear lives.
No. 574164 ID: 189a54

Warn Human 2 that he's going to jinx the hell out of himself and end up dying horribly by a bear attack if he doesn't watch what he says.

Also, did you even bring weapons?
No. 574216 ID: 166ec0

yeah, don't stand within 15 feet of that guy.
No. 574261 ID: 753e50
File 140001071498.png - (14.94KB , 1100x750 , 45.png )

There is a bear cave off in the distance. There must be bears there!

You have your human claws and your human fangs.

You give Human 2 a wide berth and tell him to stop being a cliche. He apologizes, but says he is has been so happy ever since he started sponsoring a poor african family. Also, his adopted dog is beginning to grow past his abusive family and trust people again, and his son's big graduation ceremony is coming up so soon.
No. 574265 ID: 189a54

Dammit, Human 2! At this rate you're not going to even last five seconds!

Also, you seem to have quite a bear-like mentality about how to kill game. Humans need weapons like guns to fight, since their teeth and claws are not meant for that sort of thing--but of course you knew that since you're a human.
No. 574266 ID: 753e50
File 140001335857.png - (14.67KB , 1100x750 , 46.png )

Oh, well! Of course you knew that. Which is why you also brought along.... a hammer. A bear hammer. That is a weapon that humans use.

Human 2 speaks fondly about the beauty of this valley and of life in general. He says that he has been missing having a little tyke around the house, and he may adopt again, and if he does would you like to be the godfather?

You are faced with a dilemma. The bear will have more MEAT, but you are just a puny insignificant human and you may die. Your friend has less MEAT but he is weak and feeble.
No. 574267 ID: 189a54

At this point, sending Human 2 in first would be useless--he's jinxed himself so much he'd be killed before he was two steps into the cave, and that'd leave you fighting a bear without backup. You'd better lead the way, and have him follow behind with his own bear hammer.
No. 574336 ID: abb19c

bear hammer? you mean bear mace? you know, the stuff that melts the eyeballs of a human and thus is enough to make a bear flee? because that'd make a lot of sense.
No. 574402 ID: 753e50
File 140009979461.png - (14.81KB , 1100x750 , 47.png )

Maces are old and outdated. Hammers can be bought at the human store. You've seen it once. When you bought it, that is. You saw it and then you bought it from a human store because that's what humans do.

You give him another bear hammer but lead the charge.

Inside is the mighty phasebear. It is so big and mighty that you can only see the hand of it.
No. 574408 ID: c170fd

Smack it with your hammer oh god
No. 574410 ID: 189a54

Quick, power up to Super-Human and fire a few Humanity Shots at that hand! You do remember that humans can do that, right? Since you are a human?
No. 574516 ID: 9a281a

Use your human cunning to trick the phase bear into attacking itself.
No. 574533 ID: a49316

use hammer on claw.
No. 574553 ID: 753e50
File 140017474568.png - (14.98KB , 1100x750 , 48.png )

Bullshit, you have never seen a human ANOTHER human do those things.

A puny insignificant human could not ever hope to outsmart a phasebear!

You hit the bear claw with your hamm OW FUCK
No. 574554 ID: 753e50
File 140017477340.png - (14.82KB , 1100x750 , 49.png )

No. 574555 ID: 753e50
File 140017478324.png - (14.97KB , 1100x750 , 50.png )

Oh look at that your hammer disappeared!

What do you do now, human?
No. 574562 ID: 37aa84

Sacrifice Human 2 to secure your escape then realize escaping a phase bear is impossible even with a distraction.
No. 574564 ID: 497ec2

Circle around away from the claws and bite! If your partner is around direct him to hit where you did, make that crack go further!
No. 574565 ID: 189a54

Are you sure you're a human? Because humans power up to Super-Human like all the time. But if you really can't, the only thing to do is bite the hand while Human 2 circles around with his hammer!
No. 574574 ID: 753e50
File 140018169427.png - (15.44KB , 1100x750 , 51.png )

With Human 2 nowhere around to serve as a handy distraction, you are forced to bite the MOTHER FUCK OW

Fucking... the other human, Human 2, he comes in and apologizes for being late. He just got a call from the lottery to tell him he won a twenty million dollar jackpot. He tells you he plans to spend it all on charity as soon as he gets home.
No. 574575 ID: 2bfcdf

Tell him to help you out and hammer this giant bear hand so you can get some of its delicious meat.
No. 574594 ID: 3f0c1b

Remind human 2 that he is two days away from retirement and that it's wiser to save the winnings for that.
No. 574597 ID: fe4bfc

Oh man you know how filthy human mouths are. That's how they hunt you know. They bite there prey and it gets horrible blood poisoning and dies. Then they molest its corpse with there horrible opposable digits.

Anyways now that you have doomed the bear to a slow death congratulate your friend on winning the lottery. Then retreat to a safe distance to wait for the bear to die.
No. 574612 ID: 189a54

Shut up and start beating that hand with your hammer, Human 2! Aim for the claws, try to break them!
No. 574646 ID: 4d82d5

offer human 2 as a sacrifice to the almighty phasebear in exchange for MEAT.
No. 574683 ID: 9a281a

Tell human 2 to invest some of that money on anti-phase bear tech R&D. We could sure use a cool human weapon right now.
No. 574715 ID: 753e50
File 140027352690.png - (16.20KB , 1100x750 , 52.png )

You urgently tell Human 2 to help with OWW JESUS!

Fuck this!
No. 574716 ID: 753e50
File 140027353428.png - (15.62KB , 1100x750 , 53.png )

No. 574717 ID: 753e50
File 140027355993.png - (15.34KB , 1100x750 , 54.png )

You belatedly ask Human 2 to spend some of his millions on anti-bear weapons research. He tells you he certainly can.
No. 574718 ID: 753e50
File 140027357108.png - (17.45KB , 1100x750 , 55.png )

Oh no! The bear is summoning forth the boiling waters of the angry mountain! What will you do?
No. 574719 ID: 2bfcdf

No. 574720 ID: b9c596

Laugh at the bears cheap boob job.
No. 574733 ID: 30e06f

climb through like the ambitious bastards that you are.
No. 574734 ID: 189a54

There's no way you can escape the full boiling wrath of a phase-bear. Grimly tell Human 2 that he's probably not going to see that retirement money.

That being said, you're not going to die like wimps, you're gonna die like the huMANS you are! Climb through the rift and die in a blaze of glory, charging at the bear!
No. 574739 ID: 37aa84

Jump through the hole and drop to the floor running to escape.
No. 574797 ID: 4a20fa

Hells yes.
No. 574802 ID: 4ddc02

pop its fake tits.
No. 575041 ID: 753e50
File 140053744115.png - (24.86KB , 1100x750 , 56.png )

No no no! Goddamn it! They're getting out!

You knew it was a bad idea to start your quest in the Drawings Can Come Alive And Do Things And Hurt Their Creators Too Sometimes dimension. But you thought it might make it easier if they could do the work for you.

Goddamn this reality and their fucked-up laws of physics and reality! Now you have two little stick shits trying to kill you for real real. And you just spilled your kettle, just fantastic!

And don't encourage them to pop your beautiful, bountiful bear bosoms! You just got those!
No. 575043 ID: 2bfcdf

You could just go get a big slab of beef and toss it at them. Then they'll take it and go away.
No. 575045 ID: 4a20fa

Smother them with your disturbing Hitler cleavage. They'll be too confused to react.
No. 575046 ID: 189a54

Oh geeze, that whole human thing was just part of your quest? I thought we had actually switched to some random humans, they were so life-like!

I guess we could suggest them to run away or you could satisfy them with some meat from the fridge or something.
No. 575079 ID: 9a281a

Just climb up on a piece of furniture till they get tired and go away or die.
No. 575107 ID: 4447b0

Did you draw that beautiful bosom yourself? Better be careful it doesn't come to life and try to kill you too.
No. 575116 ID: e22313

Draw a phasebear to fight them off.
This is a perfect plan and nothing can go wrong.
No. 575120 ID: 3f0c1b

The humans from your quest wanted meat, so draw ALL THE MEAT.
No. 575124 ID: e1609c

Combine these into the ultimate boss: the Phaseshank! A godlike shank of meat shaped generally like a bear for the humans to attack and devour.
No. 576054 ID: 753e50
File 140114623218.png - (14.83KB , 1100x750 , 57.png )

Man, sometimes you just need shit to be simple and free of 'phaseshank' madness. You've already ended two universes today, which is probably the sort of thing Mr. Honeypaws was yammering on about. And it's not even your house anyway, so screw it. You'll just give the little bastards some meat.
No. 576055 ID: 753e50
File 140114624799.png - (15.57KB , 1100x750 , 58.png )

Now where in the hell do humans keep their fridges? Why can't they just keep everything in one big rocky alcove like anybody sensible?
No. 576056 ID: 753e50
File 140114625840.png - (13.31KB , 1100x750 , 59.png )

Ah, there it is. No meat in here, though. What is all this crap? Metal cans and cardboard boxes and plastic? You can't eat this shit. Humans are dumb.

Oh, there's another fridge up top. Why in our bear god's name do they need two? They can't even fill one with berries and honey and meat. Well whatever, found some meat anyway.
No. 576057 ID: 753e50
File 140114627153.png - (21.24KB , 1100x750 , 60.png )

Come on you little blighters, take it and- oh, shit.

For fucks sake! You were going to play it by the rules. But now you have no idea where the little ankle-biters could be hiding.
No. 576060 ID: 189a54

Try checking those drawers, and after that check through that door on your right. And careful with your breasts, if those stick figures have human throwing capabilities they may be in danger of flying bear hammers.
No. 576061 ID: 2bfcdf


Just dump the meat on the floor and stand back, imo.
No. 585154 ID: 753e50
File 140597384083.png - (76.32KB , 1100x750 , 61.png )

Well forget all that. You are now Young Phasebear.

Fifteen bear years ago, you were cruelly torn from your mother and father. You were brought to this hellhole and left to rot, where you were fed a mere three round meals a day and scolded most unfairly for mauling the other children, when they annoyed you first. Worst of all, you were allowed only as many toys as could fit inside a large wardrobe eight feet tall.

Fortunately, the nightmare is over. Yesterday your phasebear powers finally matured, and today you will escape this gilded cage and kill the bastard who took your life from you.

Today, your quest begins. Now, where to begin?

As a phasebear, you may:

*Wander Aimlessly
*Growl and roar
*Maul and kill
*Look for lady phasebears
*Jump through time and space
*Forage for berries

Additionally, you believe the cape and mask combo you fashioned from spare sheets will give you increased stealthiness and maybe even the ability to fly. You have not tested this yet, however.
No. 585339 ID: 6d3b18

Become Bat-phasebear. You will be a crazed, super-trained vigilante to avenge the deaths of your parents.
No. 585359 ID: 2fd516

I think we should start with Wander Aimlessly Through Time and Space.
No. 585361 ID: 53548a

Would you even recognize them if you saw them now? No point in seeking revenge, it is far too stale. Better to move on and do new things with your life.
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