TALK ABOUT THE CLOUD AND HOW GREAT IT IS ON THE XBONE

Make sure your body is Reggie for this.

Get the crowd on your side! Call out "HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO HALLWAY ON A BOAT!?"

say something vague about dogs

Talk about smartglass

Make sure to mention the amazing allways on retinal scanner that lets you hunt for known terrorists in your own home!

Trout 2013/06/10(Mon)11:25 No. 515998 ID: 52c28e
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The lights dim to almost complete darkness as the intercom starts up.

"And here to talk about our most recent, INNOVATIVE game, is Brett McSellout!"

In the back of the room, a few of your coworkers cheer and go wild. No one else really does.

"Uhh... uh... HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO HALLWAY ON A BOAT?"

Your coworkers absolutely lose their shit.

"WELL NOT YOU CAN! With our, uh, INNOVATIVE cloud computing system dubbed the, uh, the DOG BONE, we can, um, register ADVANCED HALLWAYS in realtime with an INNOVATIVE roguelike procedural generation system!"

SHIT BRETT YOU'RE LOSING THEM.

Talk about your new partnership with Sweat Mt and Boritos.

>>515998
let's be honest here, you never really had them to begin with.

Quick mention the allways on motion capture system. You can boat while you boat!

The multiplayer, FOR GOD'S SAKE MENTION THE MULTIPLAYER

Game journalists love animals, only one course reveals itself.

"MULTIPLAYER DOGS! EVERYONE IS DOGS!"

Trout 2013/06/10(Mon)11:44 No. 516008 ID: 52c28e
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"NOW UH let's, uh talk about our INNOVATIVE new partnership with Sweat Mt. and Boritos! We're offering an exclusive deal in which YOU, yes, YOU can funnel UNLIMITED AMOUNTS of delicious Sweat Mt. Lime Burst and Boritos Taco Flavored Boritos into your mouth as you play our latest desert-wandering simulator Halo 5!"

The crowd gives a half-hearted cheer, the notion of snack foods seeming to lift their spirits. But despite that, your SWEAT LEVELS are reaching critical! You may have to dab yourself off.

Your boss screams at you through the little microphone dealie on the side of your head.

"TALK ABOUT THE GAME, YOU MORON!"

Talk about the always on bloom hallway connection. Your system will share blooms with your friends even when you can't play, and you'll always have access to buy DLC boats! That's more than worth any inconvenience, right?

Talk about the inovative new motion sickness simulator that lets you feel like you are on the boat all the time!

just take a dump and order the crossbone to clean it up, then talk about watching tv on the toilet.

Talk about the smartgass integration that lets you play the game with your flatulence

Is this where you talk about PROJECT FART or is it after BREAD RISING 3?

Talk about the INNOVATIVE post processing effects!

Trout 2013/06/10(Mon)12:14 No. 516020 ID: 52c28e
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"A-ALWAYS ON," you choke you. "The Xbox one will have an ALWAYS-ON system, allowing YOU to share your blooms and hallway experiences even when YOU CAN'T PLAY, and BOAT WHILE YOU BOAT with our exclusive day-one download boat DLC anytime, all with our MOTION SICKNESS SIMULATOR so you can feel the boat boat while you boat boats!"

You can see a few yawns (except for your always-enthusiastic collaborators). Time to break out the big guns.

"MULTIPLAYER!" You yell. Most of the audience perks their heads up.

"DOG-BASED MULTIPLAYER! YOU ARE ALL DOGS!"

A cheer! And not just from your paid co-workers, but from the younger audience and the ones in the backward baseball caps.

[b]"DOG-BASED KILLSTREAKS! DOGS ON BOATS! BITE OUT THROATS IN REAL-TIME WITH THE KINECT PLATFORM!" You shake your head violently as the screen shows a dog tearing some Russian's throat out, giving yourself a good bit of whiplash in the process. They're LOVING it!

I guess it's time to wrap it up, here. How are you gonna finish?

Mention the low price of the system!

Give them a lowdown on the tablet integration of this sucker.

Talk about those new havok physics and how they let everything explode into chunks! Chunks of hallway! Chunks of boat! Chunks of dog! Chunks of gun! Chunks of bloom! All in realtime thanks to cloud processing!

"Every dog loves ... THE XBONE!"

"Thank you Good night! im Brett alwaysonlinenousedgamespaymorefeeMCsellout! its been great!"

Then run like hell before they work out what you just said.

Pump some artificial cheering into the crowd to get them more hyped up.

Masturbate.

Your pièce de résistance- a special port to integrate and connect their own dogs into the game for a full on immersive experience.

SOCIAL
MEDIA
NETWORKING

Trout 2013/06/10(Mon)12:47 No. 516038 ID: 52c28e
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"You can integrate tablets, you can integrate dogs, you can integrate boats with your tablets! You can tell your friends over your favorite social media websites; Facebook, twitter, Reddit; about how much you are integrating with CALL OF HALLWAY: BLOOM RUSSIANS 5: MECH BOAT EDITIOn! Use our DOGPORT to connect your DOG TO THE GAME for a FULL IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE! All compatible with Windows 8! Also compatible is the Havok physics engine! Everything is chunks! Chunks of hallway! Chunks of boat! Chunks of dog! Chunks of gun! Chunks of bloom! All in realtime thanks to our INNOVATIVE cloud processing!"

You hammer the HYPE BUTTON behind your back. The room is flooded with cheers, 90% of which is artificial. But it is cheering nonetheless!

Trout 2013/06/10(Mon)12:47 No. 516040 ID: 52c28e
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b]"AND THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT FOLKS. Every dog loves ... THE XBONE! For only four hundred and ninety niiiiineee...[b]"

The world slows around you. You can feel every keyboard in north america pump with unfettered outrage at the 500 US dollar pricetag. The percussive rhythm of the keys are like wardrums to your ears. Wardrums signalling the march of a million angry men, outraged at the price, marching on through the internet.

Time to make your exit.

Trout 2013/06/10(Mon)12:48 No. 516041 ID: 52c28e
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"Thank you and good night! I'm Brett alwaysonlinenousedgamespaymorefeeMcSellout! It's been great!"

You make for the window as the audience tries to understand what just happened.

Knocked it out of the park there. Put me down for three pre-orders.

lol that was great.

hahahaahah i dont even know what the fuck

TOO BAD THE PSQUAD REMAINS SUPERIOR

I can't wait for the release date.