tippler 2022/08/19(Fri)14:21 No. 1041342 ID: 9ea24b
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The name’s Mascoe. I’m a living Averican dream who likes guns, cigars, beautiful women, and bird Jesus.

I work with an elite team to make sure packages from the Amazone warehouse are safely delivered to the loyal Averican customers supporting our noble economy. Today we received a special item, one that needs to be delivered to the President of the USA.

When we landed in DC, I wasn’t expecting an attack, much less from a dream like myself.

tippler 2022/08/19(Fri)14:22 No. 1041343 ID: 9ea24b
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Now my only hope is my two teammates. They’re birds, who I know have trouble with gender reading dreams, but this is just ridiculous.

I’ve been tied to a chair by my foe, but my beak is still free.

“Guys, look at her tits! Her tits!”
>”Do you see any breasts? Don’t listen to this treacherous commie slime.”

>>1041343
Clearly we need to do a touch test.

Ask for waffles

Bite the chest, deflate those anti averican balloons

Tits as in tit birds?

You may be half majestic bald eagle, but don't forget the strengths of your buffalo half! Snap your restraints by manspreading.

No, wait, it's obvious!

That one's tail is thinner! They can't be the real Mascoe! Who are you, thin-tailed impostor!

Use your powerful baritone that woman could ever imitate.

If that fails, cry the tears of existential hipocrisy that only someone who follows bird Jesus but still loves shooting birds can ever cry.
Communals don't believe in religion so they can't cry that bad.

tippler 2022/08/21(Sun)13:26 No. 1041475 ID: 9ea24b
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>Her tail’s thinner
The imposter is slightly smaller than me, but we’re close enough in shape and size that Polit and Echoa won’t be able to tell.

>Touch test
“Polit, come over here and feel her chest.” The bird might not be able to see them clearly, but he should be able to feel a pair of Averican freedom balloons, right?

>”Feeling up another fella isn’t very heterosexual and feeling up a lady is rude.”
“Then Echoa can do it!”
>”Wow, double standard much, imposter slash Mascoe?”
“I AM NOT A COMMUNIST. Look Polit, we have so many good memories together, eating barbecue, having waffles, your cooking is the best and so Averican and only the real Mascoe would know that. Also, if I were a commie would I be able to sing our beautiful national anthem praising our strength and unity in my signature baritone?”

tippler 2022/08/21(Sun)13:26 No. 1041476 ID: 9ea24b
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Polit seems convinced and nods slowly. His specialty is food and drink, so he’s unarmed, while Echoa, the fuel expert, uses a flamethrower which isn’t great for indoors.

The imposter levels twin pistols at them.
>“Put your hands up and back away slowly, birds. I won’t allow that package to be delivered.”

My strong buffalo legs are unbound, so I stand up, still attached to the chair. How do I defend my brothers in arms from this traitorous attack?

Get her in a headlock.

Charge and tackle, like a true Averican Talonball player. Sadly you don't have your arms free, but you should be able to knock her down with your whole body.

get her in a choke-hold with your FREEDOM THIGHS(tm)

It's the averican way.

Deflect the bullets with your thighs

tippler 2022/08/21(Sun)20:40 No. 1041516 ID: 9ea24b
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>Deflect bullets with thighs
Thanks to Polit and Echoa’s strong Patriotism fueled by red meat, God, and an hour of flag waving every day, bullets aimed at them will inexplicably miss as long as they make a good effort to duck for cover. I’ll focus on attacking.

>Headlock via powerful thighs
It’s awkward since I’m tied to a chair, but I take a mighty leap and tackle the imposter to the ground. Her Patriotism is strong, I’ll give her that, the dream barely grunts when 250 pounds of Averican freedom slam her to the ground.

tippler 2022/08/21(Sun)20:40 No. 1041517 ID: 9ea24b
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She counterattacks viciously, punching my chest with her pistols and pecking at my legs. I’ll have painful and visible bruises, but no permanent or lingering damage. Unfortunately the same is true for my enemies, if they’ve been imbibing in light lager beer and voting regularly.

My best hope is restraining her, like what she was trying to do to me before the birds came in.

Time for some good old-fashioned pistol twirling. With your tail.

>>1041517
Uh, use your beak to grab her guns?
Burst out of the ropes in a display of manly strength then use them to tie her up?

Attack her patriotism to lower her defenses. She's less averican than apple pie! I bet she doesn't support the troops! Her taste in beer isn't bad enough!

Nice pecking. How about YOU take a bite out of crime!

tippler 2022/08/22(Mon)12:53 No. 1041550 ID: 9ea24b
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>Grab guns
I use my tail and beak to wrestle the pistols away. With firearm safety restored, Polit and Echoa hurry over to help untie me and use the ropes to bind my attacker’s wrists and ankles.

>Lower her Patriotism
This is a tricky thing. If we keep her tied up for long enough, she’ll slowly lose her buffs over time, but I’m sure she has backup from whatever organization sent her.

Time for a good, old-fashioned interrogation. It’s a win-win since we’ll get information and she’ll bolster her Patriotism by valiantly resisting. What should I ask her?

You know for communism to work everyone has to be self-giving? And you and your bosses are all greedy. That means you were your real enemy all along!

WHO SENT YOU!?
WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!
WHO SIGNS YOUR PAYCHECKS?!

Also like, what was she trying to do exactly? What was the plan after she took your place?

tippler 2022/08/22(Mon)20:20 No. 1041572 ID: 9ea24b
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>Communism
It still stings that the lady called me a commie since I am a strong believer in the invisible hand of the free market. I’ve run into a few Ptitsa spies in my time as a delivery worker, but never one who was a dream.

“What’s your name?”
>”Raiden.”
“Are you a dirty communist?”
>”Of course not, the thought of publicly owned capital turns my stomach.”
“Well then who do you work for?”
>”None of your damn business. I was sent to stop your delivery, and I still intend to do so. That package is going to start a full-fledged war.”

tippler 2022/08/22(Mon)20:20 No. 1041573 ID: 9ea24b
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“How’s it supposed to do that?”
>”By killing the president, genius. Open it and see for yourself.”
“That would be in direct violation of consumer privacy! How dare you suggest such a thing!”

Raiden shrugs and proceeds to paste the most hardcore unimpressed look on her beak while Echoa and Polit fruitlessly yell at her.
Hm. We planned to take the package to the White House after lunch and I’m definitely hungry for some freedom fries. If I leave Raiden alone, she might escape and get the bird brains confused again.

A. Stay with Raiden (switch to Polit POV)
B. Freedom fries are more important than national security

BBBBBBBB

FFFFREEEDOM FRIEEEES
(With a side of kamikaze ketchup)

Go get some fries. Tell Echoa to just spray her with the flamethrower if she moves. It's so simple she couldn't possibly miss.

Wait, I know. What if we cover the entrance to the interrogation place with those cattle-stopping roadblocks, only Polit and Ecoa will be able to remove it and you can enjoy yourself!

>>1041573
This sounds like a bomb threat. Hand the package over to the bomb squad to check it for bombs etc.

Also, B

Call up the president; ask if you can pretty please open his mail to check for a (blue-footed) booby trap

Breedom Bries

tippler 2022/08/23(Tue)16:18 No. 1041647 ID: 9ea24b
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>B
Living in Averica means I have the freedom to eat the fries I so deeply desire without worrying about the long term health consequences or short term assassination attempts. Echoa volunteers to watch the prisoner while Polit prepares me a greasy basket of golden, starchy goodness.

>Install cattle grates
Sadly, I’m not allowed to alter the Amazone employee building.

tippler 2022/08/23(Tue)16:18 No. 1041648 ID: 9ea24b
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>Call the president to ask permission to check his mail
The package in question is in a safe until it’s ready to be delivered. I phone up the president under the guise of updating him on the status of the item.

“Hello this is you Amazone delivery attendant, your package will be with you shortly but there’s been a small concern about the safety of the contents.”
>”Who the fuck is this?”
“Mascoe the dream, sir.”
>”Mascoe if you don’t get me what I ordered by this afternoon I’m having every single one of my interns leave you a one star review. Are we clear?”
“Crystal, sir.”

Well he didn’t exactly say I couldn’t open it.

>>1041648
Alright let's open it.

Open it without looking at it, to preserve doctor-patient confidentiality and in case there is an explosion inside.

Open it!

>>1041666
Seems legit. You do have an army surplus war drone lying around somewhere, right?

Have Polit open it instead,

tippler 2022/08/24(Wed)15:31 No. 1041716 ID: 9ea24b
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>Open it and have Polit examine the contents
Genius, that way neither of us can claim we violated the customer’s privacy. Polit fetches the heavy cardboard box and I slit the tape with a talon before averting my eyes and holding it out to the bird.

“What is it? If it’s a bomb you should be fine as long as you look away.”
>”Seems to me like a load of black sand. Ooo, it’s moving a bit.”
“Black sand can move?”
>”I dunno, maybe it’s some kind of advanced sci-fi robot thingy, I’m not a tech expert.”

tippler 2022/08/24(Wed)15:53 No. 1041719 ID: 9ea24b
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Unfortunately, none of my crew is particularly sci-fi savvy. I tape the box shut again and tuck it under my arm so I can enjoy my fries.

I’m still eating when the fire alarm goes off. Oh no! Echoa must have used her flamethrower at severe risk to company property.

What should I do?
A. Save the Amazone branded army surplus war drone
B. Run to Echoa and Raiden

A. I'm not a science guy but in theory splashing the war drone with the science goo will upgrade it into an even more badass robot and cooler friend than Echoa anyway.

tippler 2022/08/24(Wed)19:51 No. 1041744 ID: 9ea24b
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>A
The drone is a valuable member of the team and I trust Echoa to make it out alive. Box under one arm, drone on my back, I fight my way past the burning asbestos to the exit. A lot can be said in praise of Amazone employee buildings, including their magnificent flammability.

>Splash war drone with science goo
I get the brilliant idea to upgrade our beloved drone with the black sand. Being very careful not to look, I pour the contents onto the fiberglas shell.

tippler 2022/08/24(Wed)19:51 No. 1041745 ID: 9ea24b
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The sand wriggles across the sheer white surface, before giving up and flopping on the ground in a sad heap. I help it back into the box.

Not much to do at this point except deliver the package.

Do that
But first
Pet the drone!
Who's a good drone? You are! Yes you are!

Anyway, lets have the drone deliver the package for us! Because having machines do the jobs we dont want to do as we laze around on the sofa watching Averican talonball all day with a beer is the averican way!

No, we have to deliver our special packages in person! Have the drone keep an eye out for Raiden.

Provide emotional support to the goo

Use your powerful calves to jump up towards the White Nest, just like Superbird!

tippler 2022/08/25(Thu)13:03 No. 1041799 ID: 9ea24b
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>Pet the drone
I don’t do that because I am aware the drone is an inanimate object used to kill remotely and/or deliver packages and its only value is as company property.

>Have drone deliver President’s package
These damn robots won’t take my job! I won’t allow it!

>Console sand goo
I pat the top of the box to very little effect.

tippler 2022/08/25(Thu)13:04 No. 1041800 ID: 9ea24b
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>Use your powerful calves to run to the White House
I bid farewell to Polit, who doesn’t have the muscles for a five mile sprint, then head for my destination.

The building is styled after a large, cozy nest. Security clears me to enter and I’m escorted to the Egg Office where the President resides. I hand over the box and am quickly dismissed afterwards.

When I’m walking away from the office, I hear a terrible scream!

Oops, the sand goo may have imprinted on you and now treats the president as a stranger! You need to go back and tell it down, boy!

Let's go see what the fuss is about.

Are you a bad enough birb to rescue the president?

Yes you are! Get in there and kick some ass.

tippler 2022/08/25(Thu)20:13 No. 1041845 ID: 9ea24b
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The sand goo must be attacking the president! My God, Raiden was right all along.

It’s my noble Patriotic duty to save and protect the ruling class, so I turn around and get ready to kick some ass. Security took my assault rifle which means I’ll have to use my bare talons.

I enter to see the goo has sunk into the President’s chest. His eyes are glowing red. If he weren’t a bird I’d have more to comment on but honestly the guy is mostly a ball of feathers to my eyes.

“Mr. President, are you hurt?”
>”No, Mascoe. I feel powerful. It’s time for every person in Averica to control their own destiny and become truly free!”

He charges at me with the fury of a whole murder of crows.

>the guy is mostly a ball of feathers to my eyes.
How do you know he’s a guy? Gender blindness works both ways.
Start running backwards while exercising your second amendment rights.

Freedom isn't free! This bird is living off the backs of the taxpayers. Steal their wallet and no more funding for the nanomachines!

>>1041845
Restrain the president before he hurts himself. Ask security for some ice. Nanobots don't like ice.

Offer to help him while you fend him off! Freedom is what this country is all about!

tippler 2022/08/26(Fri)12:29 No. 1041885 ID: 9ea24b
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>How do you know he’s a guy if you’re gender blind for birds?
There’s this magical thing called prior knowledge of the President’s gender.

>Restrain him
I dodge several untrained punches and tug one of fancy red velvet drapes on the wall off the hanger to wrap around the President. While he’s distracted I steal his wallet, which unfortunately gives him the opportunity to escape his restraints.

tippler 2022/08/26(Fri)12:29 No. 1041886 ID: 9ea24b
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>Talk
“Mr. President, Averica is already the freest country in the world! Stop this madness and resist those nanomachines, they’re hurting you.”
>”No, we need to burn it all down and start again from the ashes, like a phoenix.”

>2nd Amendment Rights
Security can’t keep my guns from me in the interest of prudent safety. I focus my Patriotism to my hands and feel cool metal as a weapon magically appears in my grip.

A. Shoot President
B. Embrace him and use the power of love and friendship to remove the nanomachines

A. Violence isn't the answer, but it is a question. The question is "do you want some of this?"

B. Use the power of love, or failing that, the power of cold using the fire extinguisher.

A. "You can kiss my ash, Mr. President."

Focus the power of Averican cuisine and shoot him, with MICROWAVES! Electronics, such as nanobots, don't like microwaves, I hear.

tippler 2022/08/26(Fri)18:52 No. 1041921 ID: 9ea24b
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>A
I open fire on the President. He doesn’t even try to dodge and the bullets just bounce off his nanomachine enhanced breast. I need to do something that will remove the bots.

“Cold microwave ultimate blast!”

I unleash a Patriot beam fueled by the thought of Polit’s homemade vanilla ice cream, apple pie, and funnel cakes. It hits the President directly and he collapses on his desk. The sand peels off his feathers and falls on the ground, and I give it a good round of fire.

tippler 2022/08/26(Fri)18:52 No. 1041922 ID: 9ea24b
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I’ve successfully freed the president from that horrible goo without killing him. I call security and they help the poor bird recover by feeding him mashed potatoes and gravy. He promises to have an intern leave an especially glowing comment on my delivery, and I swagger out of the White House, immensely satisfied.

Achievements Unlocked:
Polit Pal
Employee of the Year
Pacifist

Thanks for reading this odd adventure.

>>1041922
>Pacifist
...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWeygZqnkTU

>>1041922
Capitalism wins again!