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File 166094410787.png - (3.12KB , 200x200 , p0.png )
1041341 No. 1041341 ID: 9ea24b

Deliver the Amazone package to the President of the United States of Averica or die trying.

A short parody of Return to Sender: https://questden.org/wiki/Return_to_Sender
Expand all images
>>
No. 1041342 ID: 9ea24b
File 166094411491.png - (3.84KB , 200x200 , p1.png )
1041342

The name’s Mascoe. I’m a living Averican dream who likes guns, cigars, beautiful women, and bird Jesus.

I work with an elite team to make sure packages from the Amazone warehouse are safely delivered to the loyal Averican customers supporting our noble economy. Today we received a special item, one that needs to be delivered to the President of the USA.

When we landed in DC, I wasn’t expecting an attack, much less from a dream like myself.
>>
No. 1041343 ID: 9ea24b
File 166094412295.png - (3.78KB , 200x200 , p2.png )
1041343

Now my only hope is my two teammates. They’re birds, who I know have trouble with gender reading dreams, but this is just ridiculous.

I’ve been tied to a chair by my foe, but my beak is still free.

“Guys, look at her tits! Her tits!”
>”Do you see any breasts? Don’t listen to this treacherous commie slime.”
>>
No. 1041344 ID: 15c72a

>>1041343
Clearly we need to do a touch test.
>>
No. 1041345 ID: 770c6f

Ask for waffles
>>
No. 1041346 ID: 2ca3ce

Bite the chest, deflate those anti averican balloons
>>
No. 1041347 ID: b435f1

Tits as in tit birds?
>>
No. 1041349 ID: 899c9f

You may be half majestic bald eagle, but don't forget the strengths of your buffalo half! Snap your restraints by manspreading.
>>
No. 1041351 ID: 6c448c

No, wait, it's obvious!

That one's tail is thinner! They can't be the real Mascoe! Who are you, thin-tailed impostor!
>>
No. 1041352 ID: d12a15

Use your powerful baritone that woman could ever imitate.

If that fails, cry the tears of existential hipocrisy that only someone who follows bird Jesus but still loves shooting birds can ever cry.
Communals don't believe in religion so they can't cry that bad.
>>
No. 1041475 ID: 9ea24b
File 166111359073.png - (2.97KB , 200x200 , p3.png )
1041475

>Her tail’s thinner
The imposter is slightly smaller than me, but we’re close enough in shape and size that Polit and Echoa won’t be able to tell.

>Touch test
“Polit, come over here and feel her chest.” The bird might not be able to see them clearly, but he should be able to feel a pair of Averican freedom balloons, right?

>”Feeling up another fella isn’t very heterosexual and feeling up a lady is rude.”
“Then Echoa can do it!”
>”Wow, double standard much, imposter slash Mascoe?”
“I AM NOT A COMMUNIST. Look Polit, we have so many good memories together, eating barbecue, having waffles, your cooking is the best and so Averican and only the real Mascoe would know that. Also, if I were a commie would I be able to sing our beautiful national anthem praising our strength and unity in my signature baritone?”
>>
No. 1041476 ID: 9ea24b
File 166111359552.png - (3.41KB , 200x200 , p4.png )
1041476

Polit seems convinced and nods slowly. His specialty is food and drink, so he’s unarmed, while Echoa, the fuel expert, uses a flamethrower which isn’t great for indoors.

The imposter levels twin pistols at them.
>“Put your hands up and back away slowly, birds. I won’t allow that package to be delivered.”

My strong buffalo legs are unbound, so I stand up, still attached to the chair. How do I defend my brothers in arms from this traitorous attack?
>>
No. 1041477 ID: 899c9f

Get her in a headlock.
>>
No. 1041478 ID: e51896

Charge and tackle, like a true Averican Talonball player. Sadly you don't have your arms free, but you should be able to knock her down with your whole body.
>>
No. 1041479 ID: 2ca3ce

get her in a choke-hold with your FREEDOM THIGHS(tm)

It's the averican way.
>>
No. 1041483 ID: 8483cf

Deflect the bullets with your thighs
>>
No. 1041516 ID: 9ea24b
File 166113964038.png - (3.24KB , 200x200 , p5.png )
1041516

>Deflect bullets with thighs
Thanks to Polit and Echoa’s strong Patriotism fueled by red meat, God, and an hour of flag waving every day, bullets aimed at them will inexplicably miss as long as they make a good effort to duck for cover. I’ll focus on attacking.

>Headlock via powerful thighs
It’s awkward since I’m tied to a chair, but I take a mighty leap and tackle the imposter to the ground. Her Patriotism is strong, I’ll give her that, the dream barely grunts when 250 pounds of Averican freedom slam her to the ground.
>>
No. 1041517 ID: 9ea24b
File 166113965880.png - (3.43KB , 200x200 , p6.png )
1041517

She counterattacks viciously, punching my chest with her pistols and pecking at my legs. I’ll have painful and visible bruises, but no permanent or lingering damage. Unfortunately the same is true for my enemies, if they’ve been imbibing in light lager beer and voting regularly.

My best hope is restraining her, like what she was trying to do to me before the birds came in.
>>
No. 1041518 ID: 8483cf

Time for some good old-fashioned pistol twirling. With your tail.
>>
No. 1041519 ID: 15c72a

>>1041517
Uh, use your beak to grab her guns?
Burst out of the ropes in a display of manly strength then use them to tie her up?
>>
No. 1041522 ID: 899c9f

Attack her patriotism to lower her defenses. She's less averican than apple pie! I bet she doesn't support the troops! Her taste in beer isn't bad enough!
>>
No. 1041523 ID: 8a236d

Nice pecking. How about YOU take a bite out of crime!
>>
No. 1041550 ID: 9ea24b
File 166119802583.png - (1.64KB , 200x200 , p7.png )
1041550

>Grab guns
I use my tail and beak to wrestle the pistols away. With firearm safety restored, Polit and Echoa hurry over to help untie me and use the ropes to bind my attacker’s wrists and ankles.

>Lower her Patriotism
This is a tricky thing. If we keep her tied up for long enough, she’ll slowly lose her buffs over time, but I’m sure she has backup from whatever organization sent her.

Time for a good, old-fashioned interrogation. It’s a win-win since we’ll get information and she’ll bolster her Patriotism by valiantly resisting. What should I ask her?
>>
No. 1041557 ID: 8a236d

You know for communism to work everyone has to be self-giving? And you and your bosses are all greedy. That means you were your real enemy all along!
>>
No. 1041570 ID: 15c72a

WHO SENT YOU!?
WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!
WHO SIGNS YOUR PAYCHECKS?!

Also like, what was she trying to do exactly? What was the plan after she took your place?
>>
No. 1041572 ID: 9ea24b
File 166122481487.png - (2.54KB , 200x200 , p8.png )
1041572

>Communism
It still stings that the lady called me a commie since I am a strong believer in the invisible hand of the free market. I’ve run into a few Ptitsa spies in my time as a delivery worker, but never one who was a dream.

“What’s your name?”
>”Raiden.”
“Are you a dirty communist?”
>”Of course not, the thought of publicly owned capital turns my stomach.”
“Well then who do you work for?”
>”None of your damn business. I was sent to stop your delivery, and I still intend to do so. That package is going to start a full-fledged war.”
>>
No. 1041573 ID: 9ea24b
File 166122482380.png - (3.09KB , 200x200 , p9.png )
1041573

“How’s it supposed to do that?”
>”By killing the president, genius. Open it and see for yourself.”
“That would be in direct violation of consumer privacy! How dare you suggest such a thing!”

Raiden shrugs and proceeds to paste the most hardcore unimpressed look on her beak while Echoa and Polit fruitlessly yell at her.
Hm. We planned to take the package to the White House after lunch and I’m definitely hungry for some freedom fries. If I leave Raiden alone, she might escape and get the bird brains confused again.

A. Stay with Raiden (switch to Polit POV)
B. Freedom fries are more important than national security
>>
No. 1041574 ID: 2ca3ce

BBBBBBBB

FFFFREEEDOM FRIEEEES
(With a side of kamikaze ketchup)
>>
No. 1041576 ID: 899c9f

Go get some fries. Tell Echoa to just spray her with the flamethrower if she moves. It's so simple she couldn't possibly miss.
>>
No. 1041577 ID: 8a236d

Wait, I know. What if we cover the entrance to the interrogation place with those cattle-stopping roadblocks, only Polit and Ecoa will be able to remove it and you can enjoy yourself!
>>
No. 1041579 ID: 15c72a

>>1041573
This sounds like a bomb threat. Hand the package over to the bomb squad to check it for bombs etc.

Also, B
>>
No. 1041599 ID: 19975a

Call up the president; ask if you can pretty please open his mail to check for a (blue-footed) booby trap
>>
No. 1041601 ID: 8483cf

Breedom Bries
>>
No. 1041647 ID: 9ea24b
File 166129671209.png - (3.96KB , 200x200 , p10.png )
1041647

>B
Living in Averica means I have the freedom to eat the fries I so deeply desire without worrying about the long term health consequences or short term assassination attempts. Echoa volunteers to watch the prisoner while Polit prepares me a greasy basket of golden, starchy goodness.

>Install cattle grates
Sadly, I’m not allowed to alter the Amazone employee building.
>>
No. 1041648 ID: 9ea24b
File 166129672669.png - (2.98KB , 200x200 , p11.png )
1041648

>Call the president to ask permission to check his mail
The package in question is in a safe until it’s ready to be delivered. I phone up the president under the guise of updating him on the status of the item.

“Hello this is you Amazone delivery attendant, your package will be with you shortly but there’s been a small concern about the safety of the contents.”
>”Who the fuck is this?”
“Mascoe the dream, sir.”
>”Mascoe if you don’t get me what I ordered by this afternoon I’m having every single one of my interns leave you a one star review. Are we clear?”
“Crystal, sir.”

Well he didn’t exactly say I couldn’t open it.
>>
No. 1041649 ID: 15c72a

>>1041648
Alright let's open it.
>>
No. 1041666 ID: 899c9f

Open it without looking at it, to preserve doctor-patient confidentiality and in case there is an explosion inside.
>>
No. 1041667 ID: 8483cf

Open it!
>>
No. 1041668 ID: e5709d

>>1041666
Seems legit. You do have an army surplus war drone lying around somewhere, right?
>>
No. 1041669 ID: 8e592e

Have Polit open it instead,
>>
No. 1041716 ID: 9ea24b
File 166138030962.png - (2.70KB , 200x200 , p12.png )
1041716

>Open it and have Polit examine the contents
Genius, that way neither of us can claim we violated the customer’s privacy. Polit fetches the heavy cardboard box and I slit the tape with a talon before averting my eyes and holding it out to the bird.

“What is it? If it’s a bomb you should be fine as long as you look away.”
>”Seems to me like a load of black sand. Ooo, it’s moving a bit.”
“Black sand can move?”
>”I dunno, maybe it’s some kind of advanced sci-fi robot thingy, I’m not a tech expert.”
>>
No. 1041719 ID: 9ea24b
File 166138160167.png - (3.33KB , 200x200 , p13.png )
1041719

Unfortunately, none of my crew is particularly sci-fi savvy. I tape the box shut again and tuck it under my arm so I can enjoy my fries.

I’m still eating when the fire alarm goes off. Oh no! Echoa must have used her flamethrower at severe risk to company property.

What should I do?
A. Save the Amazone branded army surplus war drone
B. Run to Echoa and Raiden
>>
No. 1041720 ID: 899c9f

A. I'm not a science guy but in theory splashing the war drone with the science goo will upgrade it into an even more badass robot and cooler friend than Echoa anyway.
>>
No. 1041744 ID: 9ea24b
File 166139589957.png - (3.76KB , 200x200 , p14.png )
1041744

>A
The drone is a valuable member of the team and I trust Echoa to make it out alive. Box under one arm, drone on my back, I fight my way past the burning asbestos to the exit. A lot can be said in praise of Amazone employee buildings, including their magnificent flammability.

>Splash war drone with science goo
I get the brilliant idea to upgrade our beloved drone with the black sand. Being very careful not to look, I pour the contents onto the fiberglas shell.
>>
No. 1041745 ID: 9ea24b
File 166139590562.png - (2.43KB , 200x200 , p15.png )
1041745

The sand wriggles across the sheer white surface, before giving up and flopping on the ground in a sad heap. I help it back into the box.

Not much to do at this point except deliver the package.
>>
No. 1041747 ID: e51896

Do that
But first
Pet the drone!
Who's a good drone? You are! Yes you are!
>>
No. 1041756 ID: e51896

Anyway, lets have the drone deliver the package for us! Because having machines do the jobs we dont want to do as we laze around on the sofa watching Averican talonball all day with a beer is the averican way!
>>
No. 1041757 ID: 899c9f

No, we have to deliver our special packages in person! Have the drone keep an eye out for Raiden.
>>
No. 1041767 ID: 8483cf

Provide emotional support to the goo
>>
No. 1041789 ID: b7732e

Use your powerful calves to jump up towards the White Nest, just like Superbird!
>>
No. 1041799 ID: 9ea24b
File 166145782755.png - (2.05KB , 200x200 , p16.png )
1041799

>Pet the drone
I don’t do that because I am aware the drone is an inanimate object used to kill remotely and/or deliver packages and its only value is as company property.

>Have drone deliver President’s package
These damn robots won’t take my job! I won’t allow it!

>Console sand goo
I pat the top of the box to very little effect.
>>
No. 1041800 ID: 9ea24b
File 166145784450.png - (2.98KB , 200x200 , p17.png )
1041800

>Use your powerful calves to run to the White House
I bid farewell to Polit, who doesn’t have the muscles for a five mile sprint, then head for my destination.

The building is styled after a large, cozy nest. Security clears me to enter and I’m escorted to the Egg Office where the President resides. I hand over the box and am quickly dismissed afterwards.

When I’m walking away from the office, I hear a terrible scream!
>>
No. 1041810 ID: 899c9f

Oops, the sand goo may have imprinted on you and now treats the president as a stranger! You need to go back and tell it down, boy!
>>
No. 1041816 ID: 15c72a

Let's go see what the fuss is about.
>>
No. 1041843 ID: 773d69

Are you a bad enough birb to rescue the president?

Yes you are! Get in there and kick some ass.
>>
No. 1041845 ID: 9ea24b
File 166148359213.png - (2.61KB , 200x200 , p18.png )
1041845

The sand goo must be attacking the president! My God, Raiden was right all along.

It’s my noble Patriotic duty to save and protect the ruling class, so I turn around and get ready to kick some ass. Security took my assault rifle which means I’ll have to use my bare talons.

I enter to see the goo has sunk into the President’s chest. His eyes are glowing red. If he weren’t a bird I’d have more to comment on but honestly the guy is mostly a ball of feathers to my eyes.

“Mr. President, are you hurt?”
>”No, Mascoe. I feel powerful. It’s time for every person in Averica to control their own destiny and become truly free!”

He charges at me with the fury of a whole murder of crows.
>>
No. 1041847 ID: 899c9f

>the guy is mostly a ball of feathers to my eyes.
How do you know he’s a guy? Gender blindness works both ways.
Start running backwards while exercising your second amendment rights.
>>
No. 1041848 ID: 8483cf

Freedom isn't free! This bird is living off the backs of the taxpayers. Steal their wallet and no more funding for the nanomachines!
>>
No. 1041856 ID: 15c72a

>>1041845
Restrain the president before he hurts himself. Ask security for some ice. Nanobots don't like ice.
>>
No. 1041862 ID: b7732e

Offer to help him while you fend him off! Freedom is what this country is all about!
>>
No. 1041885 ID: 9ea24b
File 166154214013.png - (3.22KB , 200x200 , p19.png )
1041885

>How do you know he’s a guy if you’re gender blind for birds?
There’s this magical thing called prior knowledge of the President’s gender.

>Restrain him
I dodge several untrained punches and tug one of fancy red velvet drapes on the wall off the hanger to wrap around the President. While he’s distracted I steal his wallet, which unfortunately gives him the opportunity to escape his restraints.
>>
No. 1041886 ID: 9ea24b
File 166154215539.png - (2.28KB , 200x200 , p20.png )
1041886

>Talk
“Mr. President, Averica is already the freest country in the world! Stop this madness and resist those nanomachines, they’re hurting you.”
>”No, we need to burn it all down and start again from the ashes, like a phoenix.”

>2nd Amendment Rights
Security can’t keep my guns from me in the interest of prudent safety. I focus my Patriotism to my hands and feel cool metal as a weapon magically appears in my grip.

A. Shoot President
B. Embrace him and use the power of love and friendship to remove the nanomachines
>>
No. 1041888 ID: 8483cf

A. Violence isn't the answer, but it is a question. The question is "do you want some of this?"
>>
No. 1041889 ID: a2d88b

B. Use the power of love, or failing that, the power of cold using the fire extinguisher.
>>
No. 1041892 ID: 899c9f

A. "You can kiss my ash, Mr. President."
>>
No. 1041913 ID: 918d8d

Focus the power of Averican cuisine and shoot him, with MICROWAVES! Electronics, such as nanobots, don't like microwaves, I hear.
>>
No. 1041921 ID: 9ea24b
File 166156515113.png - (3.54KB , 200x200 , p21.png )
1041921

>A
I open fire on the President. He doesn’t even try to dodge and the bullets just bounce off his nanomachine enhanced breast. I need to do something that will remove the bots.

“Cold microwave ultimate blast!”

I unleash a Patriot beam fueled by the thought of Polit’s homemade vanilla ice cream, apple pie, and funnel cakes. It hits the President directly and he collapses on his desk. The sand peels off his feathers and falls on the ground, and I give it a good round of fire.
>>
No. 1041922 ID: 9ea24b
File 166156515988.png - (2.84KB , 200x200 , p22.png )
1041922

I’ve successfully freed the president from that horrible goo without killing him. I call security and they help the poor bird recover by feeding him mashed potatoes and gravy. He promises to have an intern leave an especially glowing comment on my delivery, and I swagger out of the White House, immensely satisfied.

Achievements Unlocked:
Polit Pal
Employee of the Year
Pacifist

Thanks for reading this odd adventure.
>>
No. 1041926 ID: e5709d

>>1041922
>Pacifist
...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWeygZqnkTU
>>
No. 1041947 ID: 15c72a

>>1041922
Capitalism wins again!


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