If cops don't exist, then... anyone can arrest anyone else, and bring them to prison? Then without anyone whose job it is to collect evidence on crimes (that's a thing cops do), it's just what, the accused's word against the accuser?

How about make your job title "Good Boy"

Can we fit "Boner Inspector" on that thing?

You are real police, because that's what you've been doing, semi-professionally. You've been policing the town, with the mostly-consent of the populace and the mayor. That makes you police.

>>975343
I'm going to have to vote for The Fuzz.

Yes, The Fuzz is good.

SLUTS.

I like the Fuzz.

Put F.U.Z.Z. on the badge, it stands for absolutely nothing.

1/3 Frillsby 2020/09/02(Wed)09:29 No. 975483 ID: 5fc3a0
File 159906416522.png - (178.16KB , 800x800 , 733.png )

"Pro pals. Smash club."
>"Oh that's good. What about 'the fuzz'? Wait. F.U.Z.Z. It stands for Fuzz."
"There has to be a cooler acronym. Something like OCPS."
>"What's that stand for?"
"Uh... Overt Classy... Pants... Seekers."
>"Frillsby you've never sought out pants in your life!"
"Ogling Cheerleaders Prevention Squad."
>"Prevention?"
"Fine, we'll do something like Dorb City Smash Club."
>"OCPS stands for Dorb City Smash Club?"
"No! And what's the point of erasing Police if we replace it with police slang?"
>"We gotta have an acronym. We just gotta. They're cool and we can't show our faces around town if no one thinks we're cool."
"We can and I'm sure we will."

2/3 Frillsby 2020/09/02(Wed)09:29 No. 975484 ID: 5fc3a0
File 159906419512.png - (139.80KB , 800x800 , 734.png )

I grab a sharpie out of the depths of our utility drawer and get working.

"There's no law stating we must be cool."
>"But there's a fake law for it."
"There isn't."
>"I just made it up."
"Smash Club. CFB Division."
>"Ohh okay I can get behind that. And I will because it's a badge. Now it's time for the real questions, if we're real fake cops, who's authority are we under? I mean, if it gets out that all cops are fake, anyone could arrest anyone! Can you imagine if we were chasing Vabrelius and we were all 'you're under arrest!' but then he slapped us with a 'no you are'. What would we do? We'd be in jail that's what."
"We've got the authority because Mayor told us we could."
>"Well who made her mayor? What if I wanted to be Mayor? Or CEO! Who's stopping me?!"
"Civil responsibility, for starters. Uh... your impeccable sense of morality and respect? You know what, that's a good question. I'm going to ask Mayor some questions about these existential revelations."

3/3 Frillsby 2020/09/02(Wed)09:30 No. 975485 ID: 5fc3a0
File 159906423774.png - (142.23KB , 800x800 , 735.png )

I call the mayor's mansion, if just so she can extend her authority to the newfound Smash Club.

ring
ring

>"Get it Frillsby?" asks Gallsby. "I'm getting behind the badge." ring "Because badges go in the front." ring "And I'm behind it." ring "So I'm getting " ring "behind the" ring "badge."
"Gallsby I'm on the phone right now." ring
>"No, the phone's on you."

ring
ring

I don't think the Mayor is picking up. She must be back on her 23/7 sleep cycle.

go inside her mansion then call her again

Don't you live in a post apocolyptic crazy land?

Anyways go check with the mayor. She probably got voted in or something and thus is a proper official maybe.

As for you two you are as official as you are going to get. Wear your totally real badges with pride. You can get some fancier ones made later if you want.

Point out that Mayor is probably Mayor because literally no one else wants the job after the War destroyed all forms of centralized governance.

Hmm or maybe it's that anyone can arrest anyone but you still need evidence for any chance of conviction, and there's procedures for collecting evidence so not everyone can be *effective* at law enforcement.

May as well pay the Mayor a visit.

>>975485
Zoom out the camera, reveal the metaphorical badge he's talking about is someone with a Zoro mask and we had this conversation in the middle of a shirts and/or masks only, month early Halloween party.

The mayor is the mayor by default and by postapocalyptic meritocratic evaluation. If she's doing the job and she's literally named Mayor and she lives in the mayor's house you're going to have a hard time convincing anyone she isn't the mayor. So she's mayor by general consensus and by the fact that nobody can be any amount of assed to try to change the situation, which is significant because you really do need a lot of ass to change things.

Or maybe she's been mayornapped!!

She's not picking up, which means she's either sleeping or kidnapped. One of these is a problem; you two'd better head over there. Good opportunity to show off your "new" badges.

There's one last way to solve an existential crisis.

Get donuts.

>>975508
>you really do need a lot of ass to change things.
You're right! We need to find someone with a really big fat ass to make some changes around here! Let's start looking for that person!

Better check to make sure the mayor hasn't been mayor napped!

1/3 Frillsby 2020/09/18(Fri)14:10 No. 976623 ID: 5fc3a0
File 160046345259.png - (424.06KB , 1200x800 , 736.png )

"The phone on me isn't getting picked up. Mayor might be asleep."

"Or she's been mayornapped."
>"So either she's asleep or she's napping?"
"Napping while captured!"
>"Hold on a second do you think people are kidnapped every time they break line of sight with you?"
"It's a real problem, and it doesn't help that I might be right. Let's go."

We drive to Mayor's mansion.

2/3 Frillsby 2020/09/18(Fri)14:11 No. 976624 ID: 5fc3a0
File 160046349582.png - (115.52KB , 800x800 , 737.png )

"Alright, let me try calling again."

ring
> ring

"Oh it's the town hall's phone I've been calling." I say to myself since Gallsby's wandering down the hall.

ring
> ring

"I thought I was calling her cell phone. Oops."

ring
> ring

>"Oops!"

ring
> ring

>"Hey Mayor's door is wide open over here!"

3/3 Frillsby 2020/09/18(Fri)14:12 No. 976625 ID: 5fc3a0
File 160046353724.png - (195.33KB , 1200x800 , 738.png )

>"I can't believe mayor's ascended beyond her bed."
"I can, because if she didn't, she'd be here."
>"So you were calling the desk? I can't believe she doesn't have a cell phone."
"She has one. It's right there, on the bed."
>
>
>
>"... yeah so she clearly doesn't have it!"

Unplugged the alarm clock, too. Either Mayor started sleepwalking to avoid alarms or Ceo or someone who knows her equally well dragged her off somewhere. It's probably fine, wacky hijinks being conducted with no thought regarding legality.

It won't hurt to investigate a little bit more.

>>976625
Look out the window.

Maybe she's just wandered a bit in her sleep, or retreated to somewhere extra-secure against being woken up. Look under the bed and in the closet and things like that.

Were those hanging stars always there? That sounds to me like something Ceo would have done while Mayor was asleep as a joke. The fact that there are things on the bed is strange, though. Why unplug the clock AND move it onto the bed? Hm. And the door was wide open, you say? But if she'd left she'd have locked the place up. Very strange! This could be a crime scene after all! Time to hunt for clues.

With delicacy. This is a lady's boudoir, you know.

She could just be in the shower.

>>976628
And under the bed, let's be fair.

Check the window for signs of a break-in, in defiance of the obvious fact that anyone could have walked in the front door.

>>976625
Check under the bed, and search the graveyard next.

Check the grave yard to make sure she wasn't ghostnapped.

1/2 Frillsby 2020/10/17(Sat)18:32 No. 978799 ID: 5fc3a0
File 160298473223.png - (371.67KB , 800x800 , 739.png )

"If there was a mayornapping here, it was done clean and without a fight. No broken anything, no glow in the dark space objects yanked off the ceiling, pretty sure all these were here when we were last in Mayor's room. She did leave her room wide open, and that doesn't seem right."
>"She could've just forgot. I forget things all the time and I'm not as tired as she is."
"Yeah true but let's walk around the house a bit and see what we can find."

Not under her bed, in the shower, all windows are shut, no signs of activity in any rooms on the first or second floor at a quick peek inside each. It looks like Ceo might've moved in here, but she's not here now.

2/2 Frillsby 2020/10/17(Sat)18:33 No. 978800 ID: 5fc3a0
File 160298480503.png - (248.60KB , 800x800 , 740.png )

I finish by looking over the graveyard.

>"Hey Frillsby, is the mayor out there?"
"Nope."
>"Good!"
"'Good?'"
>"Good that she's not buried in the graveyard!"
"No one said anything about being buried."
>"Good! Yeah! Hold on what're you standing in front of?"
"You mean... grass?"
>"The flat grass!"
"What the hell are y - oh footprints I see. They're too big to be Mayor's. I think? Maybe? Wait, Gallsby, how big were Mayor's feet?"
>"How would I know why're you asking me that?!"
"You might know I don't know!"
>"What a wild thing to ask!"

>>978800
next priority discover mystery eye thief who victimized the good ol falcine radium Gallsb

or call Ceo to ask about Mayor feet

>>978801
wait fuck Gallsby looks weird and he doesn't know things you'd reasonably expect anyone to know this is a shrek you've been attacked by a shrek again quick ask him how big villi's dick is

Are those footprints going out into the graveyard, or in towards some external basement door or something?... Is there a basement? Did you look in it? Is there a room up behind the clock, or an attic?

Those are odd shaped footprints. Like someone walked sideways towards/away from the house?

Alright get Gallsby down here and you both follow the footprints.

I... actually don't remember about Mayor's feet. We can't rule out if these are hers or someone else's.

Once you've finished at Mayor's house it's probably worth following them regardless, who knows where they might lead?

The mayor's feet are pretty normal/smallish-sized: >>/questarch/904548

>>978800
Try contacting CEO, maybe she dragged Mayor into something or at least knows what's up

Probably best to call up CEO and ask if she knows what's up? Or let her know the Mayor's missing now.

1/2 Frillsby 2020/10/28(Wed)12:44 No. 979882 ID: 5fc3a0
File 160391427677.png - (217.64KB , 800x800 , 741.png )

I look at the footprints but no latent tracking talent gets awakened in me. It's like a semi-circle. No, semi-circle. Hooves? Hooves if there were no split toe. Hooves with shoes. Or just big shoes in that shape. I could try calling Ceo to ask if Mayor had any giant hooved feet all this time and I never noticed, but I'll follow these tracks while I think of how I could possibly phrase that question to Ceo without imploding.

"Wait a minute, the Gallsby I know doesn't know anything, and here you spotted tracks outta nowhere. Are you another layered ogre? Prove you're the real Gallsby, and tell me how big Villi's dick is."
>"I dunno Frillsby because I'm the real Gallsby and apparently the real Gallsby doesn't know anything so how would I know his dick is this long?!"
"Whatever, get down here so we can follow these tracks. They look like they're going away from the graveyard."

Gallsby leaps off the balcony, and gracefully somersaults onto the ground like a clump of seaweed.

"Why have you done this."
>"It was faster. Here's Villi's dick."

He draws a dick on the ground with his claw. It's a crude representation, but I could believe that's about the right size.

2/2 Frillsby 2020/10/28(Wed)12:44 No. 979883 ID: 5fc3a0
File 160391429083.png - (191.93KB , 1200x800 , 742.png )

We follow the tracks beyond the trees, and I call Ceo on the way.

>"Leave a message!"
"Have you seen Mayor? If so call me back."

The tracks continue on for awhile before stopping at the edge of a back road. We look around, but they don't pick up on the other side.

"Well I'm stumped. What're you doing over there?"
>"Sniffing to detect lingering smells."
"What do you smell?"
>"Dirt."
"Oh. Then - oh, I just remembered. Mayor's feet. They're a little small, but still pretty normal."
>"Okay that's a really weird fact to know, Frillsby, I'm not sure I needed to know that!"
"Yet now you have to carry the weight of this pretty normal knowledge forever."

We either keep looking, or just wait for Ceo to respond.

Either search Mayor's house for secret places she could be hiding in or... the only thing I can think of that would entice Mayor would be those gas station energy drinks you guys found before. Go to the gas station and see if Mayor is craving that Intellifuck.

>>979883
So, I guess Mayor got taken into a vehicle. Check to see where this road goes. The car could have gone either direction, after all... but you may be able to tell by the tracks if the car was on this side of the road or not. If it was on this side then you can follow it as if it was driving on this side, so to your right.

It is almost halloween. Maybe the Mayor turns into a giant monster once a year.

Keep looking while waiting for CEO. Check for tracks and direction of said tracks. Then figure out where this road goes.

>>979891

Or maybe a more regular-sized person who just isn't tired all the time?

That'd be really spooky, honestly.